Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Merry Christmas.

I made everyone stockings.

Lillian.

Titus.

Yours truly.

- Mimi. -

And Murasaki.

Murasaki doesn't do Christmas.

Gosh, I love Christmas:

the music, untangling things,

putting lights outdoors and trees indoors.

Say what?

And we're all together with so much to celebrate:

special friendships and new adventures

and giving a final "Later, gator"

to the problems of yester...

Yester... urp.

You heard me.

Honey, you should see a doctor.

It's like a mouse died in the walls of your body.

Ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas to all of youse!

Santa?

Santa.

Oh, I can't kiss you. I'm married.

The Jews took my painting.

Now it's a party.

Ho, ho, ho. You ho.

Sonja?

I'm gonna kill you.

Aah!

Three months earlier on this mess...

I've been wanting to bring you to this place

ever since I saw it was called Sliderz.

I apologize, though.

There aren't actually any slides in here.

But look at these tiny hamburgers.

They make you feel like a giant.

I'm gonna eat you up in one bite.

"Please, no, I have a family."

This is so fun, Kimmy.

I'm so glad I ran away from my green card marriage

to go on dates with you.

I'm a vegan.

Wait, what did you say?

I said, "I'm a vegan."

I thought you knew that when we met at that animal rights 5K.

Oh, I thought that was so animals could marry each other.

Well, I think this date is going...

Hated it.

Oh, it's hard because

you're still hung up on your ex.

I get it.

I still think about my first love, Bobby.

We went to summer camp together on Roosevelt Island.

Little Bobby Durst.

He was my first crush.

Literally, he tried to crush me.

It's just, I waited 15 years to get my life back,

and then I got a job, I got a boyfriend,

but then the world was like, "Psych!"

I know, dear, you want it all right now:

the career, the husband,

the teardrop tattoo.

But hey, have a little fun for five minutes.

Hey, let me take you out.

Ooh, I'm a great wingman.

Men find me very approachable

because my eyes are large

and my hair is like beautiful spaghetti.

I get 'em on the hook.

Then we'll slip 'em a disco biscuit

and pull a switcheroo.

Get 'NSYNC, Kimberlake. I got to go get divorced.

Oh, we're gonna paint the town red tonight.

Ooh, two questions.

Do you like Spanish guys, and can you roller-skate?

Yes, but only frontways.

And probably.

Oh, wait, I said that backwards.

Resync by CookiesMonsta

That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

Hey, your house is that way, dummy.

Oh, my God, thank you.

I've been standing here for hours.

Watch out. I pooped over there.

So, according to the license presented by Mrs. Wilkerson,

you two were married on June 6, 1998.

Barely.

And do you, Ronald Ephen Wilkerson,

take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Mm-kay.

And Mrs. Wilkerson claims that you abandoned her

on June 6, 1998.

Wait a minute.

That's the same day.

Is it? I wouldn't know.

You left before we even did our first dance.

And you know our choreography was on point.

Mm, you dropped me every time.

I thought at least you ran away to be with a man.

But here you are,

taking advantage of some other goofy girl

dressed like she's on Scooby damn Doo.

Thank you.

I can't believe you, Ronald.

Do not call me Ronald.

Rah-nald.

You think you can walk away from your problems?

Well, I found you,

and I'm gonna sue you for 17 years' worth of spousal support,

$400 for the wedding itself,

and I want my bridal jacket back.

I'm gonna take everything you got, Ronald Wilkerson.

Really, Titus?

You're just gonna run away from her again?

I hear Montreal has a vibrant theater scene,

so au revoir, les Felicieuses.

Maybe just go talk to Vonda.

You haven't spoken to her at all, and you guys were married.

Kim, you don't understand.

Mississippi was my bunker.

I start work Monday at Vonda's uncle's mulch business.

What's that you said?

I said I start work Monday at Vonda's uncle's mulch business.

What now?

I start work Monday... at Vonda's uncle's mulch business.

What, dear?

I said I'm a homosexual having a panic attack.

Oh, isn't that wonderful?

And now,

please welcome to the dance floor

as they begin this second and final part of their lives,

Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Wilkerson!

- -

Aren't you Ronald Wilkerson?

Who me? No, sir.

I'm...

Titus Andromedon.

Ronald Wilkerson, show your face.

It took all the courage I had to escape.

Titus saved me from a life of babies and mulch.

Now Vonda's gonna take away this beautiful world I built for my...

Damn silverfish.

What if I go talk to Vonda?

Maybe I could get through to her,

woman to woman.

Ew.

I'll take her out for ice cream.

You can't be mad with a cone in your paw.

Okay, but just in case, I'm gonna keep on packing,

at least until my blood sugar drops.

There it is.

We are here today to celebrate one of our own,

Anthony Black Elk,

who's going away to Dartmouth College in a few days.

Ugh.

Don't become some d-bag lacrosse player.

Honey, we invented lacrosse.

I don't think that's right.

Anthony, this sacred pipe,

the chanunpa,

was carved nine generations ago.

It survived Wounded Knee,

and we used it to pray for our brothers in Vietnam.

And today we will ask the Great Spirit...

What the holy hell is this?

It's a tobacco vape, Dad.

Katherine Heigl uses one.

Smoking kills, you guys.

Where is that pipe, Jackie Lynn?

I held it in the air, and a hawk took it.

Jackie Lynn...

Oh, fine, it's in the hall closet behind the board games.

Addict.

Who is that?

Jackie Lynn, just use your contact lenses.

You need the prescription.

No, Mom.

They turn my eyes blue.

And that's me giving in to white culture,

with their drone wars and lip-sync battles.

Well, then order plain ones.

Yesterday I saw you try to milk a male buffalo.

Whatever, Mom.

It worked. I put it in the fridge.

And when are you gonna give back that police car you showed up in?

- - There's a raccoon living in it.

Oh, he's not living in it.

He got stuck in the back because of the prisoner locks