Skins

Tony!

Tony! For Christ's sake, Tony!

Tony!

Sorry! The volume's bust again!

-Turn it down! -I'm trying!

Every fucking morning! Why don't you just get the sodding thing fixed?

All right. All right.

-Pull the plug out! -What?

Pull the fucking plug out, you twat!

Jesus Christ, Tony!

Pull the plug out, you pillock!

Tony!

-Tony! -

Oh, shit!

Bugger!

How long you gonna be in there?

Not long now.

Oh, fucking, bollocking, twat, fuck.

How come I'm never allowed to use my own sodding bathroom?

- -

Oh, Jesus wept.

Hey, sweetheart, do you want some eggs?

No, thanks.

Effy's having some. She didn't sleep too well.

Get out of the bathroom.

-I need a piss! -

Tony! He won't even answer me.

I mean, what's he doing up there?

Perming his fucking pubes or something?

I mean, Anthea, what is he doing?

I think that lock's messed up again.

I put the drill under the sink.

You take me for a complete James Blunt, don't you?

-Do you want an egg? -I want a fucking piss.

Jim, I was wondering, do you have to swear all the time?

Sodding, fucking, bollocky shit, wank. Where is the twat?

Every fucking morning!

Fuck off.

-Wake up, Sid, you twat. -I'm asleep.

No, you're not.

Or just too bored to speak to you so leave a message.

You're a lazy turd, Sid. We have plans, remember?

Concerning your cock. Ring me.

Waaaagh! Got you! I'm not here, you wankers. Leave a message.

Jesus, dozy fuckers.

Tony? What?

Hey, Jal. Can you nip round and wake Sid up?

Nip round? He lives half a mile away.

Just nip round and quickly give him a...

I'm trying to fucking practice here. Tony.

Hang on. I've got another call coming. Stay on the line.

- Jesus. -Hi, Nips.

-Stop calling me, Nips, Tony. -It's a funny name.

I've seen a few nipples, Nips, and yours are fucking hilarious.

My nipples are not funny, OK?

That's your opinion. Anyway, you said you'd help out with Sid today?

-What? -With Sid. The virgin thing.

You weren't serious?

Look, he's got to pop his cherry and I've nominated you to, you know, help out.

Oh, God, Tony. Do I have to?

You promised. Hang on, I've got Chris on the line. Stay there.

Whatever.

Yeah, man. You rang?

Where the fuck is everyone? It's nine o'clock.

Oh man, I'm in bed.

Can't you go and get Sid?

I can't. I'm busy. Busy-busy, you remember?

-Ah, Buck Tooth? -Yo!

Give her a big hello from me, yeah?

You already did that, didn't ya. It's my turn now. All right, laters.

So, anyway, it's not that much to ask, Nips.

Sid's almost 17. He's gotta get laid

before his birthday otherwise he can't be my friend, obviously.

What the fuck are you talking about, Tony?

-Sorry, Jal. Wrong call. Can you hold? -No.

Perhaps you could help out with Sid's cherry.

I don't think so, Tony! You need someone deaf,

blind and stupid for that.

-That's unkind. -Bye, Tony.

Wanna come to a party?

Goodbye, Tony. And stop calling Michelle Nips.

It's a funny name. She's got a funny nipple.

You still there?

-All right. -Huh?

All right. I'll help Sid out if he's so desperate.

Safe. We'll do it at the party tonight, yeah.

-Meet us in the cafe so we can plan. -I have to plan?

-Oh, yes. Later, Nips. -I said don't call me--

They're fine!

I can't talk right now. Ooow!

Cheers, Tony.

Tony?

Hello, Mr Jenkins. It's Tony.

Hi, Tony. What can we do for you?

We're a little worried about Sid. He's got a sociology test in ten minutes and...

What? He's what?

Wake up you lazy, bone-idle, little fucker!

Ah.

Up! You complete and total fucking sodding waste of fucking space!

-What? -Cafe now!

-We've got things to talk about. -Like what?

-Virgins. -Huh?

Virgins. Virginity.

-Whose? -Yours, you anus.

- -I'm listening.

-Hang on. -

Tony?

Cheers, Tone. My uncle wants to stone me to death now.

No, he doesn't. Your uncle's lovely.

What was it?

Party tonight. Sid's getting de-cherried.

Chris promised Maxxie were gonna go to his big gay night out.

Is Chris gay?

-No. -Are you gay?

No. But Maxxie says there's gonna be lots of hot women there...

desperate because there's nobody to shag, except for me and Chris.

Anwar, you dippy twat. Sid's flying solo down the tunnel

of love and he needs support, yeah?

Could we watch?

-Oh, Jesus! -

Yup.

Hey, Maxxie. We need you tonight.

Sorry, bruv. Big, gay night out.

-Me and the lads. -The lads?

Yeah. I'm going to take them on a voyage of wonder and discovery.

Fuck that! Look, Max, for Christ sakes!

Maxxie, can you stop fucking tap dancing? I can't hear myself think.

Sorry, Tone. Gotta get these moves. You know, for the show.

Do they have tap dancing in Death of a Salesman?

It needs a number. I've always said that.

Anyway, meet me on the green before psychology, yeah?

Got ya.

God, I'm good.

Sid.

Sid, you still there?

-Sid! -Er, yeah?

A personal briefing is essential. Cafe, 20 minutes.

Tonight, Sidney my Cherry o' Baby,

you present Mr Happy with the keys to the Furry City.

Tonight, Mr Happy.

The Furry City.

I'm crap in the mornings.

You're always crap. No exercise. Rubbish food and too much caffeine.

Fuck off.

I didn't have a Sociology test, did I?

No.

Fucker.

This better be good.

Trust me, Sid. Tonight we go to a party and you finally pop the cherry.

You finally get the VIP tour of Netherland. You finally...

Fuck off! "Finally".

It's embarrassing.

It's common and quite normal for someone of 16 to...

No. It's embarrassing, Sid.

Shit.

All right. How?

We go to the party and we get a girl catastrophically spliffed up.

In her confused state, she comes to believe, however momentarily,

that you're attractive enough to shag.

Who's the lucky girl, then?

Well, I think you're gonna like this, Sid.

Oh, yes. You are a very, very lucky little boy.

Michelle?

-I'm gonna do it with Michelle? -Hang on, Sid.

Oh, my God! I'm gonna dock the ferry with Michelle.

Cheers, Tony. You don't know what...

- -Hi.

What this means.

Are we getting me laid or shall I just start filming

and take it back for private time?

All right. Who's stupid enough to fuck Sid?

-Cassie. -She's still in hospital.

No, she's not. They let her out. She's just not allowed to handle knives.