Friends

Monica, that was the best Thanksgiving dinner ever.

It was so good. I think you killed us.

I couldn't possibly eat another bite.

I need something sweet.

Does anyone wanna watch TV?

Yeah. Sure.

Monica, your remote doesn't work.

Phoebe, you have to lift it and point.

Oh.

Oh, forget it.

Hey, you know what we should all do?

We should play that game where everyone says one thing they're thankful for.

Oh, I... I am thankful for this beautiful fall we've been having.

- Very nice. - Sweet, Joe.

Yeah, the other day, I was at the bus stop...

...and this lovely fall breeze came in out of nowhere...

...and blew this chick's skirt right up.

Oh, which reminds me, I'm also thankful for thongs.

It's not so much an underpant as it is a feat of engineering.

It's amazing how much they can do with so little material.

And the way they play with your mind. I mean, is it there? Is it not there?

Are you aware that you're still talking?

Is anyone thankful for anything else besides a thong?

Huh. I don't know what to pick.

Am I more thankful for my divorce, or my eviction? Hmm.

Wow, see, and I didn't think you'd be able to come up with anything.

I'm sorry. It's just this is the worst Thanksgiving ever.

No, no, no. I am the king of bad Thanksgivings.

You can't just swoop in here with your bad marriage...

...and take that away from me.

You're not gonna tell the whole story...

...about how your parents got divorced, are you?

No, no.

Come on. I want to hear it.

It wouldn't be Thanksgiving without Chandler bumming us out.

It's a tradition, like the parade.

If the parade decided it was gay, moved out and abandoned its entire family.

Now, Chandler, dear.

Just because your father and I are getting a divorce...

...doesn't mean we don't love you.

It just means...

...he would rather sleep with the houseboy than with me.

More turkey, Mr. Chandler?

You're right, yours is worse. You are the king of bad Thanksgivings.

I don't know about that. I've got one that's worse.

Really? Worse than:

"More turkey, Mr. Chandler?"

Did the little rich boy had a problem with the butler?

Yes, mine's worse.

More bandages! More bandages!

Please, can I get some more bandages in here?

This man is... Aah!

Oh, no.

In this life, Phoebe.

Oh, this life.

Oh, okay. No, Chandler's is worse.

Man, it must be so cool remembering stuff like that.

I don't have any past life memories.

Of course, you don't, sweetie. You're brand-new.

I know Monica's worst Thanksgiving.

- Oh, let's not tell this story. - Oh, come on.

Oh, no! I know! I know!

It's the one where Joey got Monica's turkey stuck on his head.

- What? - What?

Joey got a turkey stuck on his head?

Hey, it's not like it sounds.

It's exactly like it sounds.

Hello?

Hello?

Phoebe? - Joey?

What's going on?

Oh, my God.

I know.

It's stuck.

Step. How did it get on?

I put it on to scare Chandler.

Oh, my God. Monica's going to totally freak out.

Well, then help me get it off.

Plus, it smells really bad in here.

Of course it smells really bad. You have your head up a dead animal.

- Hey. - Hey.

Hey, did you get the turkey...? Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Who is that?

It's Joey.

What are you doing? Is this supposed to be funny?

No, it's not supposed to be funny. It's supposed to be scary.

Get that off now.

I can't. It's stuck.

Well, I don't care. That turkey has to feed 20 people.

They're not going to eat it off your head.

Hold on, okay? Let's just all think.

Okay, I got it. Phoebe?

All right. You pull.

I'm gonna spread the legs as wide as I can.

- Joey, now is not the time. Yeah. Sorry. Right, sorry.

Okay, count to three. One, two...

...three.

It worked. I scared you. I knew it. Ha, ha!

- I'm over here, big guy. Yeah, you are. Ha, ha!

I scared you. Whoo!

You did look like an idiot.

Hey, I wasn't the only one who looked like an idiot, all right?

Remember when Ross tried to say "butternut squash"...

...and it came out, "squatternut bosh"?

Yeah, that's the same.

That's it. That's my worst Thanksgiving.

Oh, wait. That can't be the one that Rachel was talking about...

...because she didn't even know that that happened.

- So, what's yours? What was it?

Um, I really don't wanna tell this story.

Oh, come on, Monica.

Reliving past pain and getting depressed is what Thanksgiving's all about.

You know, for me, anyway. And, of course, the Indians.

Look, of all people, you do not want me to tell this story.

What is that supposed to mean?

Monica, I think Rachel's here.

I'll get it.

- Happy Thanksgiving. - Not for me.

Chip and I broke up.

Oh. Why?

Well, what happened?

You know how my parents are out of town, and Chip was gonna come over?

Yeah, yeah. And you were gonna give him, you know...

...your "flower."

Okay, Monica, can you just call it sex?

It really creeps me out when you call it that.

Okay, and by the way...

...while we're at it, a guy's thing is not called his "tenderness."

Believe me.

- Hi. Hi, Rachel.

Happy Thanksgiving. You too, sweetheart.

Hey.

Oh. Hi.

Uh, everyone...

...this is Chandler.

My roommate and lead singer of our band. Heh.

Ross?

Oh. This is Monica.

Hi, I'm Ross' little sister.

Okay.

I'm so glad you could come, Chandler.

We've got plenty of food, so I hope you're hungry.

Oh, Mom, no, no, Chandler hates Thanksgiving...

...and doesn't eat any Thanksgiving food.

Oh. Well, I'm so glad you brought him here, then.

Hey, Chandler, um...

If you want, I can make you some macaroni and cheese for dinner.

As long as the Pilgrims didn't eat it, then I'm in.

Damn it.

So, uh, Rach...

Does it...? Does it feel weird around here now?

You know, since I've been away at college?

Oh.

No, not really.

That's cool.

So...

Ugh! I cannot believe Chip dumped me for that slut, Nancy Branson.

I am never going out with him again.

I don't care how much he begs.

I think his begging days are over, now that he's with Nancy Branson.

You know what? I've just had it with high-school boys.

They're just silly.

They're just silly, stupid boys.

I'm gonna start dating men.

Uh, I'm sorry, Judy.

I couldn't find that bowl you and Jack were looking for.

Call them Mom and Dad, you loser.

Monica.

Hey, Chandler?

Did you like the macaroni and cheese?

Oh, yeah. It was great. You should be a chef.

Okay.

Guess what.

All this stuff about Nancy Branson being a slut was all a rumor.

Chip dumped her, and he wants to come over to my house tonight.

- Oh, that is so great. I know.

Oh, gosh. Listen, if you and Chip do it tonight...

...um, promise me you'll tell me everything?

Oh, totally, totally. It's not that big a deal. We already kind of did it once, you know.

I know, but this time you're gonna definitely know whether or not you did it.

I know.

Oh, and Chip promised that this time it would last at least for an entire song.

So I'm thinking of asking Rachel out tonight.

You know, maybe playing her that song we wrote last week.

- "Emotional Knapsack"? Right on. - Right on.

Oh, uh, but don't take long, okay? Because we're testing our fake ID's tonight.

Right, Clifford Alvarez?

Listen, Roland Cheng...

...if things go well, I may be out with her all night.

Dude, don't do that to me.