QI

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-d evening,

good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

and welcome to QI.

Now, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single question,

where the hell did I leave my passport?

I lost mine in a plane once

- and it had gone down under the cushion of my seat. - Oh! Yeah.

- The actual plane seat. - Yeah. I once had to have a...

I was on the plane for ages, I refused to get off the plane.

You have to have your seat disassembled.

And eventually I found it.

- That was the end of the story. - Oh!

That's a beautiful story.

That is... That is a lovely, lovely story.

Is it specifically you, where did you leave YOUR passport?

No, it's this technique. The University of Wisconsin.

When you lose something, it actually helps to say the name of the thing

that you have lost, or you are looking for.

- Dignity. - Yes, for example! Very good.

- Brilliant. You see? Exactly. - For me that would make it worse.

That would just draw attention to it.

- Your wallet has a name?! - Well, no, just...

"Peregrine! Peregrine!

"Bah!

"Peregrine?"

That's how...

- It might work. - It has now.

Yes, from now on, it will be called Peregrine.

But anyway, that's not the point.

The point is, for example, you open a cutlery drawer

and where the hell's the garlic peeler?

But if you just say garlic peeler, garlic peeler...

Yes, the garlic peeler, again, of course.

- "Andrew! Andrew!" - You're missing my point about names here.

I just mean the word we give the thing.

Its normal description as found in a dictionary,

not from a list of given names.

It isn't Julian the cheese grater.

- Have you ever had a macaroni pie? - I don't believe such a thing exists.

- Have you? - Yes, I have. - Yes?

I had one in Glasgow last week, it's the most astonishing thing.

It's a pie, but it's filled with macaroni cheese.

You look at it and you think, "I am going to have a heart attack."

Immediately, before you've eaten it.

Sandi came up to my home town,

and I thought I could show her many of the delights of my home town,

or I could take her to a bus stop and give her a macaroni pie.

And so we stood, because if you eat it outside,

it's like al fresco, it's European.

- And we stood just in a bus stop... - Yes. In the pouring rain.

Two lesbians eating a macaroni pie in the middle of Glasgow,

- it created quite a stir. - Yes.

How many times have you dreamt of two lesbians eating a macaroni pie?

Let's be honest. Girl on girl macaroni pie action.

Stephen, I'm out of my comfort zone, I'm out of my comfort zone.

- Well, in America... - That's niche. That's niche.

- In America they... "That's niche!"

Adults are to blame, they always read into things,

something filthy with the children's stuff.

- I know, they do, they do. - You know. What's that one, Bert and Ernie?

- They always thought something was going on there. - Yeah.

- With those two sleeping together. - Yes.

I mean, obviously, there is something going on there, but that's fine.

- That's a bad example. - Yeah, that's right. I know.

Noddy, there's another one.

- You know, something's going on there with those shoes. - Yes.

They're marvellous.

Though sometimes there genuinely is, do you know what I mean?

- Like... - Yes. Anal Witness 4, for example,

- there's only one way of looking at it. - Well, that...

But like, I sort of read, I think having kids you do read into...

Like Fireman Sam, you know Fireman Sam?

- Here we go, what's wrong with him? - Listen to this.

This is a social issue, right.

You know Norman, the kid who sets all the fires?

- Oh yeah, he's annoying. - "Norman!" - He's annoying. He's naughty.

- "Norman, have you been setting fires?!" - You know him, right.

He's this little ginger... I've not got anything against ginger people,

I'm just stating a fact, he's a little ginger kid.

But he's from a single parent family... again,

I'm just letting you know the facts, right, never, we never know his dad.

One episode I was watching,

they did a group photo of the whole of the village.

Fireman Sam took his helmet off,

he's the only other ginger in the village.

- Oh! - That's all I'm saying.

Those fires - cry for help.

- That's what they are. - Wow! - That's what they are. - Whoa.

"I just want to know who my dad is!" That's what he's doing.

But I've got an interesting experiment,

and I do love, as you know, to do an interesting experiment.

- He does love an experiment. - Now these will represent red ants.

And this is just... I just find this magical.

It's something you can do at home, ladies and gentlemen,

this is what's fun about it.

- And... - Will we form an island and swim across the jar of water?

No. This is red coloured sand and this is floating on top.

You'll notice wherever I drop it, it tends to start clinging together.

So you've got... Here's your little raft of red ants,

there they are, in the water.

And I can put my finger in it like that

and my finger will come out completely dry.

- Absolutely dry. - That's bizarre. - Holy cow!

Yeah, there you are, there you are.

And I've got no sand on my finger at all. And it just... But...

Are you a devil?

Watch this. This will excite you.

- I'm going to pour all this in here. - Blue ants are attacking red ants!

Yeah, all these blue ants here, it's just horrible.

And look at that, it's all clustered down below.

But this is the magic part.

I get my spoon and I get all this sand that's underwater now,

and I just pick up a little bit of it like so.

- And it's completely dry. - Hey! - It's utterly dry.

- Witchcraft! - Sorcery!

- Burn him! - It's completely dry. It is, look. - Witch! - There it is.

Sand, absolutely dry, even though

there are odd drops of water next to it.

- Isn't that magical? - That really is. - That's just sand and water?

Well, I can tell you. It's the special nature of the sand.

It's been, as it were, coated.

And without wishing to give away the name of a brand of spray

that you are encouraged when you buy suede shoes

to use to protect your suede shoes,

that might be called something that rhymed with Gotch Scard...

If you wanted to try this experiment at home,

you would get a can of that Gotch Scard

and spray the sand with it,

and you will be able to amaze your friends,

if, but only if, you're as sad as I am.

And there you are. Hooray!

APPLAUSE

Where did Beethoven put his Jingling Johnny?

- BELL RINGS - Yes, Sarah? - Mrs Beethoven?

Somebody had to say it.

- Jingling Johnny? - Yes. What do you think?

I can't imagine a Jingling Johnny,

and it's something that the good folk at Durex

have obviously missed out on.

A seasonal range, that actually, you know, with a bell in the, um...

Ohhh!

You'd be going like the clappers.

- With holly round it. - Yeah. Be nice.

- Flavours, flavours. - With holly round it? I'd stop you... - Ooh, turkey.

- Ohh... - Stuffing!

Well, how lovely to start our...

Plum duff.

Imagine, and as a special treat as you walk into the bedroom,

a little brandy on it. Wooofff!

"Happy Christmas! Oh!"

I'll take that copy of Fifty Shades Of Grey away from you.

What did Watson do twice as often as Holmes?

Oh, I don't want to say now.

- I guess he had more time on his hands. - Stick with it, stick with it.

- Oh, no, I do know. - Yes? - It's, er... It's...ejaculate.

Ejaculate is the right answer.

APPLAUSE

This is the one thing I know about Sherlock Holmes,

because it's in the book.

- Yes. - It's an old term meaning to...

- To exclaim. - Exclaim. - Expostulate.

He's constantly, "'But Holmes!' I ejaculated." You get a lot.

I mean, the books are brilliant anyway,

but every twenty pages that happens and you go, "Hur hur hur..."

Yes, there are 23 ejaculations in the canon, as it's known.

Oh, Christ!

- The canon is the... - And one up the spout!

- Oh...! - As in the word canonical.

- I give to you the canon. - Yeah.

- Stand back. - Yes.

There's approximately 23 ejaculations,

48 terabytes of information coming your way.

- I'm so wishing... - Stand by! JIMMY: - You're a very lucky lady.

- Watson ejaculates 11 times. - Christ on a bike!

Holmes, on one occasion, refers to Watson's ejaculations of wonder

being invaluable to his art.

Watson does ejaculate from his very heart,

in the direction of his fiancee.

Holmes gives six.

But there is one which it's quite hard to tell who it is. So...

- That can happen, Stephen. - Who's ejaculating here?

Let's just, let's just imagine.

"So he sat as I dropped off to sleep, and so he sat

"when a sudden ejaculation caused me to wake up, and I found..."

Oh no, he's having one now.

Have you ever been woken up by a sudden ejaculation?

You've talked enough about your dreams.

There's a fellow called Phelps in the wonderful story

The Naval Treaty, he ejaculates three times, actually.

And the only other ejaculator is Mrs St Clair's husband,

who ejaculates from a second floor window.

This is the most fun I have ever had on this show.

Name something interesting you can do with a Slinky.

- Well, it's a... - Well, you can't untangle it.

That's certainly... Oh God, I got through so many as a child.

They're the most, it is the most...

You go to the top of the stairs, and look at this, it's... Oh no!

And then that would be it.