The Simpsons

The Simpsons S19E20 (KABF13) --- Season Finale --- All About Lisa

Welcome to the 38th annual Springfield Showbiz Awards.

There are more stars here tonight than you can see in the sky,

thanks to light pollution.

Here comes the magnificently-mammaried,

mistress of midnight movie mayhem, Booberella.

The twins look happy tonight.

And what have we here?

It's ventriloquist Arthur Crandall and his walnut wingman, Gabbo.

- Gabbo! - Gabbo, over here!

Get a job, parasites.

We now come to our final award, "Entertainer of the Year."

An award so prestigious, that it recently won

the "Award of the Year" award at the 2007 Awardy Awards.

This year's nominees are an eclectic group.

This distinguished-looking gentleman

is a highly-respected actor.

It's not important what he says,

or who he's a parody of.

Only one person here really matters...

the recipient of this award.

No, it is not me.

I am but your humble narrator in this tale of fame,

betrayal and coin collecting.

But more about that later.

Nor is it him.

Nor him.

Nor ham.

No, tonight is about her.

This year's award goes to...

Lisa Simpson.

Surprised?

Let me start at the beginning,

and tell you a little bit about Lisa.

In fact, All About Lisa.

And now, in honor of Krusty's 4,000th episode,

put your hands together for Drew Carey.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Wow, 4,000 episodes.

It seems like just yesterday Krusty stole his first joke from me.

Seriously, though, I remember watching

him as a kid, and I thought,

"I could do that, and I'm a kid."

What I love about Krusty is, he's always on...

but to find out what, you've gotta test his pee.

Pee!

Seriously, test his pee.

He's a danger to the community.

And now I give you a man whose act will never grow old,

because it started out that way:

Krusty the Clown.

Thank you.

I never thought I'd make it past 400 episodes,

what with the drinking and the smoking

and the fact that I'm just not that good.

It seems like just yesterday that we started the show,

with the original Krusketeers.

Who's our favorite TV clown who likes to clown around?

K-R-U...

S-T-Y...

Hey! Quit steppin' on my solo, ya creepy little show monkeys!

And here they are today.

Come on out, Krusketeers.

I'm Jesse.

C.J.

You owe me money, Krusty.

I did time for you, clown.

Hard time.

Isn't that great. They all came back to see me.

That's right. All except the successful ones.

Now guess what, kids?

The Krusty Show is searching for a new Krusketeer.

It could be any of you.

As long you're willing to sign

a 20 year personal services contract

where I get 99% of all your earnings.

I am so gonna try out for that.

Me, too. But I hope you get it.

No, I hope you get it.

Well, I really hope you get it.

Yeah, I hope I get it, too. Later.

For a second there, he hoped I got it.

A great man once observed:

"90% of success is showing up on time."

Sorry I'm four hours late.

Now let's pick a Krusketeer!

For my first impression...

I'm a lantern fish.

Now I'm a jack-o'-lantern.

E.T.

B.E.T.

Yay, Bart!

My son's a good-for-somethin'!

Uh, yeah, okay.

You kids were all terrific.

I wish I could make each of you a Krusketeer,

but we only have enough money for one.

Plus, I don't really want to.

So after much consideration of all your talents,

my new Krusketeer is...

What's your kid's name again?

Nelson Muntz.

Wilbur Mudd.

That's me.

- Here's Mudd in your eye. - Ow!

I can't believe I lost.

That's not fair Bart was great.

Hey, Krusty,...

you're making a huge mistake not hiring my brother.

Why don't you hire them both?

It won't cost you anything you could call Bart an intern.

In fact, the intern thing could open up

a whole new world of free labor for you.

Did you know the Discovery Channel

doesn't have a single paid employee?

Hm. Okay, kid, you've convinced me.

To make Bart a Krusketeer?

Hell, no. To make you my new intern.

You're a real go-getter.

Now go get me my dry-cleaning,

which is my code word for scotch.

And get me a scotch,

which is my code word for my bookie.

Also, go get my dry-cleaning.

- Wha... but... - Wha, but, wha, wha, wha, but.

What are you standing around for?

I wish I was paying you, so I could dock your salary.

Lisa didn't know it then,

but she had just dipped her toe into the business of show.

And it is a business, as you shall find out in about three seconds.

Two... one...

Over the years, show business

has been home to scoundrels and saints,

thespians and harlequins, Abbots and Costelli.

And they all had one thing in common...

an underpaid assistant.

Cancel my 1:00. Move my 2:00 to 1:00 and cancel that.

Oh, and go to my joke file and make all the"Sophia Lorens"

into "Lindsay Lohans."

So do a global change?

What am I, Al Gore? Just do it.

What are you lookin' at?

I'm just trying to hit my marks.

And I don't? Is that what you're saying?

No, no. I think you're a consummate pro.

Oh, so now you're judging me.

Well, what do ya think of this:

you're fired.

Yeah, well, my mom says you're a selfish lover.

I know what I want and I get it.

I'll trash you in my memoirs!

Pay attention you'll be writing my memoirs.

I'll never last here.

Chin up, little gofer.

You can succeed with Krusty.

A few hints: Always carry a cigar in case he asks.

Never meet his gaze.

And if he mentions Mitzi Gaynor, and he will,

for God's sake act like you know who she is.

I got pastrami stuck in my teeth,

and that's everybody's problem.

Who's got floss?

Here you go, Krusty.

Nicely done, kid.

You're the best thing that's happened to this business since...

Mitzi Gaynor?

I was gonna say "cheap Korean animation," but sure.

I can't believe you're working for Krusty and I'm not.

I know everything about that clown.

Favorite blintz: blueberry.

Favorite horse in the 2004 Belmont: Smarty Jones.

Krusty lost a bundle and had to

endorse baby wipes in Norway.

Which I have a case of.

Krusty klovnen baby visker!

Stupid Krusty...I hate this...

Bart's having girl trouble. You better go talk to him.

It's clown trouble.

That's your responsibility.

I thought I was in charge of bedtime stories and pets dying.

Yeah, well, we're adding clowns.

Oh! Fine.

But you just bought yourself "ear piercing" and "strange new feelings."

Fine.

Lisa's got school, career, posture.

Why did she have to steal Krusty from me?

Son, the healthy thing is to get rid of

everything that reminds you of Krusty...

which appears to be everything.

Hey, maybe we should give Lisa this room.

You know she works for Krusty now.

Okay, here's my offer:

All this prim Krusty merchandise

for that copy of "Radioactive Man vs. Muhammad Ali."

My counter offer:

"Radioactive Man Meets the Kansas City Royals."

How about "Radioactive Man vs.

Restless Leg Syndrome"?

Let us try a different tack.