Tales from the Crypt

AH HA HA HE HE HE.

I ALWAYS WANTED TO PLAY GUITAR,

BUT I COULD NEVER QUITE MASTER THE FINGERING.

HEH HEH HEH HEH.

SO I WON'T BE A ROCK STAR.

I'LL JUST HAVE TO SETTLE FOR BEING A SHOCK STAR.

I'LL JUST HAVE TO SETTLE FOR BEING A SHOCK STAR.

MY GROUPIES.

TONIGHT'S LITTLE RIFF IS RIFE

WITH SEX, DEATH AND ROCK 'N' ROLL.

NOW THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT.

HA HA HA HA HA HA!

YOU'LL MEET A PUTREFIED PROMOTER OF POP

WITH AN EAR FOR A HIT.

I DON'T WANT TO KILL IT FOR YOU.

LET'S JUST SAY WE COME INTO THE STORY

JUST WHEN HIS CAREER IS GETTING REAL HOT.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Man: PLEASE!

PLEASE! HURRY UP! LET'S DO IT!

HA HA HA!

HUH!

HA HA HA!

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A GUY IN SUCH A HURRY TO DIE?

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

HEE HA!

HO HA HA HA HA!

HAH!

WHAT? OH, YEAH.

YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT EVERYTHING, DON'T YOU?

WELL, YOU KEEP IT UP, BIG MOUTH.

YOU'LL GET YOURS.

WHOO! DO YA, HUH?

I GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU.

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR BRAINS, FRIED OR OVER EASY?

HA HA HA!

WHO'S HE TALKING TO?

COME ON! LET'S GO, GOD DAMN IT!

LET'S HURRY IT UP!

PULL THE SWITCH!

SHOOT ME THE JUICE!

FRY ME!

FRY ME!

UH!

UH!

THERE.

THERE IT IS, THERE IT IS AGAIN.

THERE. THAT'S IT.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HEARING THIS, MR. SLASH?

I--WELL-- I DON'T KNOW.

A COUPLE OF WEEKS,

BUT LATELY IT'S BEEN GETTING A LOT LOUDER.

WOULD YOU DESCRIBE WHAT YOU HEAR AS A RINGING?

NO, IT'S NOT A RINGING.

BUZZING, THEN?

NO, IT'S NOT A BUZZING!

WELL, THEN, WHAT IS IT?

IT'S LIKE...

WHOA WHOA WHOA OH.

WHOA WHOA WHOA! WHOA WHOA WHOA!

WHOA WHOA WHOA! WHOA WHOA WHOA!

LOOK, YOU'RE THE GODDAMN EAR SPECIALIST.

YOU TELL ME WHAT'S IN THERE.

THERE'S NOTHING IN THERE, MR. SLASH.

I CAN HEAR SOMETHING IN THERE.

WHAT YOU THINK YOU HEAR IS AN ABERRATION.

AN ABERRATION CAUSED BY REPEATED EXPOSURE

TO HIGH DECIBELS.

YOU'VE DONE SEVERE DAMAGE TO YOUR EARS, MR. SLASH.

IN THE SHORT TERM,

EAR PLUGS ALWAYS IN THE WORK PLACE,

EAR DROPS EACH NIGHT, EACH EAR, 2 DROPS.

PUT A LITTLE SALVE ON THE COTTON SWAB,

THEN GENTLY COAX IT INTO THE EAR.

THEN GENTLY COAX IT INTO THE EAR.

WHAT, THIS IS ALL I GET

FOR A FUCKIN' $200 VISIT?

THAT AND SOME ADVICE.

IF YOU WANT TO KEEP WHAT LITTLE HEARING YOU HAVE LEFT,

GET OUT OF THE ROCK AND ROLL BUSINESS.

GET OUT OF THE ROCK AND ROLL BUSINESS.

WOULD TONIGHT BE SOON ENOUGH, DOC?

ALL RIGHT!

EVERYBODY, SHUT THE FUCK UP!

YEAH.

THERE'S ONE FUCKER HERE WE HAVE TO FUCKIN' THANK

FOR PUTTING THIS WHOLE FUCKIN' THING TOGETHER.

IT WAS HIS FUCKIN' IDEA.

WE OUGHTA THANK HIM FOR THE FUCKING AIR

WE'RE FUCKIN'--

BREATHING RIGHT NOW.

YEAH, THERE'S THE FUCKIN' TREES

THAT MAKE THE FUCKING AIR.

SO LET'S SHOW HIM HOW MUCH WE...

FUCKING LOVE HIM!

MARTY SLASH!

HOW ARE YOU, MARTY?

HOW ARE YOU, MARTY?

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

IGGY POP AND LEATHER WEAZL.

IGGY POP AND LEATHER WEAZL.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR THOSE KIND AND MOVING WORDS.

I'M TOUCHED AND HUMBLED.

BUT, YOU KNOW, IGGY...

I THINK THE CREDIT REALLY BELONGS

TO ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.

BECAUSE THEY ARE THE ONES

THAT HAVE HELPED MAKE MY DREAM

A REALITY!

CHIEF KABUBI.

Audience: CHIEF! CHIEF! CHIEF!

CHIEF! CHIEF! CHIEF!

CHIEF KABUBI,

PLEASE TELL YOUR BRAVE AND BEAUTIFUL AMAZONIAN PEOPLE

THAT WE HAVE PUT $1 MILLION INTO THE BANK

FROM THESE BENEFIT CONCERTS.

AND I ASSURE YOU THAT THIS MONEY WILL GO

WHERE IT'S NEEDED MOST.

ROCK ON!

ROCK ON!

ALL RIGHT!

WE DO IT, AND I GET WITH IT,

DOING MY THING LIKE A SEX MACHINE!

MOVING! GROOVING! OWW!

1, 2, 3, 4!

WAS I OK, MR. SLASH?

YOU WERE--

YOU WERE GREAT, SID. YOU WERE GREAT.

LISTEN, LET'S JUST KEEP THIS BETWEEN YOU AND ME, HUH?

I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY, THE COST OF FLYING A REAL AMAZON IN...

WHOA, WHOA, MR. SLASH, YOU'RE SAYING WAY TOO MUCH.

I UNDERSTAND. TAKE A CAB HOME, SID.

WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR SPEAR?

WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR SPEAR?

THIS MONEY'S GONNA TO GO WHERE IT'S NEEDED, ALL RIGHT--

THE MARTY SLASH RETIREMENT FUND.

YEAH.

YEAH.

[STRUMMING GUITAR STRINGS]

[STRUMMING GUITAR STRINGS]

Man's voice: DON'T TOUCH THAT MONEY.

Man's voice: DON'T TOUCH THAT MONEY.

WHO'S THERE?

THERE'S NO THERE THERE, MARTY. JUST ME.

WHO'S "ME"?

YOUR CONSCIENCE.

MY CONSCIENCE?

I DON'T HAVE A CONSCIENCE.

OH, NO? THEN WHAT AM I, TALK RADIO? HA HA HA!

OH, NO? THEN WHAT AM I, TALK RADIO? HA HA HA!

OK, IT'S A JOKE.

COME OUT OF THE--

NO. I'M IN HERE. IN YOUR HEAD.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET THROUGH TO YOU FOR 38 YEARS.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET THROUGH TO YOU FOR 38 YEARS.

BOY, YOU LET A KID GET AWAY

WITH GLUING THE DOG'S EYES CLOSED,

THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW,

HE'S STEALING A MILLION DOLLARS OF CHARITY MONEY.

THIS ISN'T HAPPENING.

UH-HUH? WELL, STICK YOUR FINGERS IN YOUR EARS,

I'LL GIVE YOU MY HARRY JAMES IMPERSONATION.

UH!

I'M TIRED. I'M NERVOUS.

I'M A LITTLE JANGLED.

I'VE JUST NEVER HAD MY HANDS ON THIS MUCH MONEY BEFORE!

HEH HEH HEH!

MARTY,

MORALITY ASIDE, THIS IS A FELONY.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT 45 YEARS IN PRISON.

THAT IS AN ABERRATION,

JUST LIKE THE DOCTOR SAID IT WAS.