The Chaser's War on Everything

APPLAUSE

Yes, thank you very much. Good evening.

Welcome to the War for another week.

Great to have you, company's always in peace.

Quite a lot of the grounds to cover this week.

Well, there is, it's been a week of extremes, hasn't it?

On the one hand, David Hicks pleaded guilty,

but everyone still thinks he's innocent.

And at the other end, in thought, pleaded innocent.

Everyone thinks he's guilty.

Maybe they should swap places on the guest here.

There's been a lot of cynicism about the Hicks plea bargain.

And look, the conditions imposed upon him are quite strict.

I mean, he's not allowed a ticket-tape parade.

He can't do any media for a year,

but in the cruelest condition of all, he can appear on the catch-up.

That's terrible.

What I like about the deal is that he actually gets released in Australia

on New Year's Eve, presumably,

so he can use his terror trade into bump-off,

which would Wilkins down at the Opera House.

Either that or they'll be using him to personally fire off the fireworks

on the harbour they should.

Speaking of which, did you follow this last Saturday night,

Sydney turned its lights off for an hour to raise awareness of climate change?

Now, it wasn't compulsory or anything,

but you'd assume, Chris, that if you were someone with an interest in the environment,

you'd get involved and do your bit, wouldn't you?

Look, you would assume that crag, but just to check,

we've set up a camera outside the home of the Environment Minister himself,

Malcolm Turnbull, very modest to bow,

and you'll never believe what we saw.

I think there's some lights there, Craig.

What are you doing?

I'll just...

Seeing whether you turn your lights on.

No, they're all off.

These lights go on with the emotion,

just for someone coming to see me.

Right.

You've got to make sure that the...

Make sure that the whole fellow doesn't fall out with Greg's neck.

If he was serious about climate change,

he would have turned off those emotions since the lives of people.

Malcolm and his motion sensor lights a single-handedly destroying the planet.

Yeah, I mean, it's true.

I'm just looking at the data.

They're the biggest producers of carbon in the world.

He's a traitor to his portfolio now, certainly.

It's horrible, but moving on to sport crag,

if we can and, gee, that Ben Cousin's scan

continues to rock the reputation of the West Coast Eagles in the ISO.

He's only half the story.

The club's got a record of co-canned abuse,

and one of their plays, Daniel Curse,

even been busted making phone calls to drug dealers.

So, this week, we met them at the airport

with some extra support staff to deal with their needs.

Hey, guys.

Oh, hi there.

Hi, guys.

After a long flight, boys, come on.

Hey, I'm new mascot.

The West Coast Eagles!

Yeah!

It's cool, guys. Come on.

I've got the halftime in here, boys.

Come on, boys.

Come on, boys.

Here's a high crease. Come on.

Now give us an A.

Come on.

Come on, Daniel.

Show us some love, mate. Come on.

Don't turn your back on me now.

I didn't used to be this way, Daniel. Come on.

I'm the official dealer for the team, mate.

I'm sorry.

Come on, guys.

I'll be great for you.

At least I can admit I got a drug problem. Come on.

What is the last boys? Party bus.

Let's get in the bus.

Oh, guys.

And bus.

Oh.

Anyone who dropped that?

Bloody hell.

He's straight for the party.

I can't wait.

What?

Can we get out?

Oh, it's sprung.

I don't think I wanted a sociable anymore.

Which is OK, guys?

No.

I've got a stony one.

Oh, man.

I just need to sit down and walk.

Jesus, my stomach won't knock. Come on, boys.

You can never get in the way.

Let the show in the front.

Come on, boys.

That's good shit.

Ryan Hyde.

Woo!

He's on the bus and train.

His phone calls are a pain.

He's quiet.

The slightly too long can you turn?

Sorry.

Oh, hello.

Hello, is that Dr. Beaty?

Yeah, hi. It's Clive.

I need to book an appointment, please.

Well, I've just found that my penis

is starting to bend to the left quite a lot.

So, to the left?

Yeah, well, I always use my right hand.

So, I'm...

No, no, the purpose saw was, they vanished ages ago.

I mean, occasionally won't crop up on the frangilum.

But, like, well, I think I might get a second opinion on that.

Thank you.

Thanks, bye.

And...

Excuse me, do you know anything about bendy penis?

I don't know how to fix a bendy one.

No.

He's quiet.

The slightly too long can you turn?

Yeah.

Now, Chairs, as you know, there are many things I've had in this world.

But, you know, the thing I really heard at the moment?

Tattoos.

Oh, yeah, they're so past-same.

I mean, every two bits of Everest got one these days.

Angelina Jolie, Lachlan Murdoch, even David Oldfield.

I mean, look at that.

Please tell me, you're not going to join the bandwagon, Jules.

No, mate. I will always hate tattoos.

In fact, I'm so sure I've had my position inked.

Look at that.

How old people have got tattoos deserve, mate?

Let me guess.

I tick it.

Bingo.

What's this?

What's all this?

Fuck.

We don't have any tattoos in this part of town.

All right, we're cracking gallons. It's graffiti.

I mean, sorry, I feel you're going to have to look at that.

What's this?

Teed drop.

Teed drop.

Well, you'll be crying now, my friend, because that is $200.

Don't even get me started on the dragon.

What is that on your back?

Sorry.

I have New Zealand.

So, I'm from New Zealand.

Well, you can't remember that.

What is this?

That's an obscene tattoo.

It's $100 fine.

Is it?

Yeah.

Now, I want you to either get rid of that, or at least put some clothes on it, all right?

Yeah.

That's a wanky band.

Yeah, that's $75 fine, my friend.

What's this?

What's it to you?

So, what's it to me?

Well, looking at it, just off the bat, I'd say about $150.

So, it's skin condition or tattoo?

Tattoo.

Tattoo.

All right.

So, I'm happy, um, tattoo.

Sorry, mate, it's just my job.

It's $150 fine for wearing tattoos in this area at the moment.

Well, it's not like I've washed them off.

Well, have you tried?

It's hardly indescribable.

I know the new stuff.

The new stuff's all symbolic.

Don't want to hear it, mate.

That's $250.

What sort of tattoo?

New Zealand.

Yeah.

Are you in New Zealand?

No, I'm Italian.

Well, you're just being pretentious, are you?

No.

That's pretentious tattoo.

Hey, don't touch me, man.

That's a photo as well.