Nip/Tuck - Fifth Season

- Ms. Mckracken, tell us-- - It's not Mckracken. It's Carol.

Mckracken is something I just use for legal stuff--

Divorce papers, bankruptcy notice, that sort of thing.

- And Carol is your maiden name. - No. My professional name

As in Christmas carol.

I manage the Deck the Halls store in Reseda,

spreading cheer throughout the year with the widest assortment

of Christmas decorations south of the North Pole.

Oh, and these are the spirits of Christmas.

Somebody have a little too much eggnog and crashed the sleigh?

No. We don't drink and drive.

We stroll and sing.

You're professional carolers.

We're all proud members of the screen actors guild,

on honorary withdrawal.

Deck the Halls keeps us in bread pudding year round

so that we can give the gift of live music for free.

That's what we were trying to do before our trip to Venice.

- Oh, your group performed in Italy? - California.

There we were in our red hats and scarves...

Singing a winter wonderland watching the sunset on the beach

when a tattooed man in blue approached and advised us

that we were in Crip territory.

Well, I happen to speak Crip, so I told him, "Chill. We were friendlies."

But then 5 men in blue approached

and asked if the red scarves meant that we were sent by the bloods to diss them.

I said fo-shizzle, we were just spreading the word

and please not get up in our grills.

Then I reached for my pitch-pipe--

- They beat the crap out of you. - Maybe they weren't music lovers.

How did you escape unhurt?

I took their advice and hauled my cracker ass out of there.

Ms. Carol, does your status at the screen actor's guild entitle you to

- accident insurance? - Oh, no.

That's why we're here.

We saw a notice on the Sag bulletin board

for the Hedda Grubman cosmetic surgery fund.

For all four surgeries?

In return for your services, we're prepared to render ours.

- You want to sing for your surgeries? - Not just sing.

"Deck the Halls". We will open our store room to you.

Mcnamara/Troy will be turned into a winter wonderland

with live music courtesy of "The Spirits."

Mrs. Grubman did love Christmas.

Synchro: _/Yellow Sub\_

Synchro: Metalmarco ::ITA-SA::

Season 5 Episode 08 Duke Collins

Sean, really. What are we, 5?

Oh, come on. We've been doing secret Santa since college.

It's a holiday tradition.

So's mince meat, whatever the hell that is.

Well, I think it's sweet. I mean, it's nice to have some sort of a tradition,

especially when you celebrate Christmas every year

in a bathing suit and sunblock.

Think of it as a challenge

finding something original and meaningful for under $10.

Good. So, you won't mind another "pull my finger Santa?"

Look-- we haven't all been together on Christmas in a long time.

Maybe it is stupid, but I want to do it, OK?

I want to do the tree, the big turkey dinner.

If we can't take the time to celebrate being together as a family when we are,

we're going to regret it when we're not.

All right. Let's do it.

If you get your own name, we throw them all back

- and we try again. - Yes, yes.

Hello.

How bad?

Um, we're on our way.

Matt's in the hospital.

He's got second degree burns over 30 percent of his body,

mostly back and legs.

We had to wait for his vitals to stabilize in the ER

before transferring him over here.

Honey, can you hear me? Everything's going to be all right.

- Pulse is 160... - Hang in there, buddy.

- He'll need excision and grafting. - We'll do it.

Fine. We'll just prep him and check your privileges.

My God, I just don't understand how this could have happened.

Methamphetamine lab explosion. Excuse me.

- Meth lab explosion? - We thought he was clean.

- And you didn't tell me? - He told us it was over.

That he'd gotten help and had it under control.

He asked us to trust him, Julia.

We'll be back when we're finished.

He's lucky to be alive.

We have to focus on that.

I'm angry at him, too, you know?

How are you feeling, sweetie?

The surgery went well. We had to do some grafting.

We took some skin from your ass.

You know, the place where you keep your brains?

Thank you.

They said you were lucky.

That you could have been killed.

How could you do this to yourself? I just don't understand.

In the ambulance I heard them.

They didn't think I was going to make it.

And all I could think about was Jenna, about leaving my baby.

Don't give up on me, OK?

No one's giving up on you.

We're your family.

You'll be out in time for Christmas

- and we'll all be together. - No, we won't.

You're not invited.

Your promises are shit, man.

I'm done saving your ass. I'm done being sucked in by your lies,

your pathetic cries for help.

You know what it's like to be a parent-- peeling skin away

from the body of your own child?

The child you delivered with your own hands? I'm through!

Don't worry. He'll come around.

I'll talk to him.

The bullet entered at a strange angle.

Whoever did this must have been up pretty close.

He was sitting on my lap.

Oh, so this was a lover's quarrel.

What are you talking about?

It was a kid, 9 or 10 years old.

Sorry. I thought that--

Look, I needed some extra cash last Christmas, so I

took a gig playing Santa.

Merry christmas, Jacob.

I had a line a mile long.

The store was going to close in a half hour.

From the minute he climbed those steps, I knew something was wrong.

Thinking back, it was like he was on a mission or something.

I asked him what he wanted for Christmas.

Same as last year. Don't you remember?

Every christmas I give you a list--

a Nintendo, an iPod, a digital camera.

And every time you tell me you'll get me that stuff, if I'm good.

Yeah, right. Being good doesn't get you anything, does it?

You lying sack of Christmas shit.

They shot Santa!

Did they catch the kid?

Yeah. But I didn't press charges.

I mean, the kid's had it tough enough.

Why make it worse?

Well, that's very magnanimous of you, Mr. Collins.

I'm not sure many people would have responded quite that way.

We'd have to reopen the wound,

clean the scarring and damaged tissue,

and then create something called a "Limberg flap,"

which we'd rotate onto the enlarged hole.

I could schedule you for sometime after the--

No. I want it done now.

I want to be out in time to be Santa on Christmas eve.

Look, doc,

I've spent a year nervous around kids, you know?

It's like post-traumatic stress syndrome.

I've got to get back on the reindeer. I like kids.

I don't want to spend my life afraid of them,

have them afraid of me.

Mmm...I talked to Sean about Matt.

He'll come around.

This doesn't feel right-- Sneaking around.

That's why we should tell him. Just be honest about it.

I'm going to wait 'till after the holidays.

It was going to be hard enough this year

with everything going on with Matt.

It'd just be cruel.

What about Olivia? You have to tell her, too.

No. She has too much going on with Eden.

I want to wait 'till after the holidays. Please.

It's important to me.

Shit!

Jesus!

I thought you said he was in surgery all afternoon.

- Someone must have canceled. - Hello .

I'm not getting in that closet.

Christian. Christian?

What are you doing?

Just working out.

I always do this after I masturbate.

Make sure I hit all the muscle groups.

I thought we'd go get a tree together.

I found this great organic tree farm down on third.

They've got Douglas firs and

- Colorado blue spruce-- - Sean, Sean, Sean!

You don't expect me to work out in front of the mirror

and not want to whack off again.

You're sick.

You go by yourself.

I can take all night.

I need a lot of foreplay.

I'll wait. I'm not due back in surgery for a couple of hours.

- Can I get you some water or something? - Get him out of here.

I'm not good in small, dark spaces.

I feel like I'm in a sealed coffin.

Are you done?

You go, man. I just want to take a nap and cuddle.

Come on. Get up and let's go!

You go. I'm all snuggled up here.

It's pathetic picking out a tree by yourself.

We used to always do it together, the 3 of us, rember?

Yeah, I know, I know. That was 20 years ago.

Now we do things by ourselves, like, tie our shoelaces

and pick up trees.

Fine.

I'll call Julia. See if she'll come.