American Housewife

Don't you see it?

That little bump?

Oh, I see it.

There is no bump. You do not have a bump.

It's nothing you should obsess over.

- You have a great nose. - Mm-hmm.

No, if you're gonna change something,

- I would go with your lips. - Mom!

It's not her fault that she got my thin lips.

If I had started juicing at her age,

mm, my whole life would have been different.

I could have been an MTV VJ.

What's that?

Oh, God, I've lived too long.

It's Westport's plastic surgery season.

People get their work done now

so their scars heal before their Christmas pictures.

I want to punch this entire town in the face.

You don't need to,

nor should you, change anything about yourself.

She is perfect.

You got braces when you were Taylor's age.

That's changing something.

Mom, could I talk to you over here for a second?

- I'm good. - Mnh-mnh.

What the hell is wrong with you?

I told you. I don't like my lips.

Mom, you always put way too much focus on outward appearance,

especially when I was growing up.

It took me a very long time to unlearn it.

Oh.

But you did.

I am trying very hard not to do that with my kids.

And I don't need you coming in here

and suggesting that they have plastic surgery!

Fine.

Raise them to love themselves no matter what they look like.

I am not the bad parent here!

But I gotta hand it to her. She has kept it high and tight.

- Dr. Ellie! - You're back!

- Hi! - Principal Ablin said

you were recovering from an operation.

Is everything okay?

Everything is just fine.

Dr. Ellie got her boobs done.

Permission to giggle?

Permission granted.

Who's the new kid?

That's Andrew VandeVorde.

He just transferred from Milwaukee

after getting into a fist fight with a choreographer.

They call him "The Bad Boy Ballerino of Brew Town."

- Oh! Did you see Andrew's calves? - How could I miss them?

They're like two coconuts underneath a pair of Danskins.

You know what's underrated?

Being in proportion.

Oliver, don't be jealous.

There is nothing wrong with being flat-calved.

What's my desk doing in the foyer?

The real question is

what's wrong with you and your gene pool?

You stuck me with flaccid calves!

What are you talking about?

I feel bad about taking over your office, you know?

This way we each have our own space.

These aren't the legs of a strong male dancer.

These things belong in a Lady Bic commercial.

I don't know what's happening!

Seasons are winter, spring, summer, and fall.

What kind of town has plastic surgery season?

Oh, well, apparently Katie-complaining season

- lasts year-round. -

Just to be clear,

the point of Second Breakfast is to complain.

Stop calling me out.

Also, Greg's nose is whistling again.

Ew.

Ooo, cake.

Every day is cheat day when you're Katie Otto.

Look who I have here.

Hi, Katie.

Hi.

Do I know you?

You sure do.

- It's me. It's Evelyn. - Ahhh!

Evelyn...?

The fattest housewife in Westport Evelyn?

Not anymore!

She got gastric bypass surgery.

If she eats more than a thimble-full of food,

she craps her pants,

but boy, does she look good.

Why did you do this?

Were there health issues?

No, I just, uh, wanted to be invited to parties.

And it worked.

With Evelyn losing all this weight,

you know what that makes you?

I do.

The person who's gonna smash you over the head

with this bottle of olive oil

and then put flowers on your grave.

Come on, Evelyn.

There's a new restaurant I want to try

- that only serves smells. - Mmm.

Oh, my God. Chloe's right.

Thanks to plastic surgery season,

I am now the fattest housewife in Westport.

I can't believe Evelyn gave in to the peer pressure

and had her stomach lassoed.

They're definitely gonna get rid of the Chico's at the mall now.

I can't keep that place in business on my own.

You're not the one with the odd body.

They are.

Anyplace else, you're thin. In Canada you're a waif.

First of all, next trip, Canada.

I don't know why I'm letting it bother me so much.

I am comfortable with who I am.

It's my superpower.

What's my superpower?

You always pick the slowest checkout line.

- Take that, Superman! - Ugh.

Look who got inspired to slim down!

That is not what this is.

I'm just hiding from my family.

Well, I'm proud of you.

I don't want you to be proud of me!

I am!

I can't take walks with you anymore.

People are going to think that I'm trying to exercise,

and I don't want to give Chloe Brown Mueller

or any of the rest of those crazy bitches the satisfaction.

It's absurd you would stop taking walks, which you enjoy,

just to spite someone who thinks you're trying to get healthy.

Isn't that also giving in

to the Westport body image nonsense?

I'm all over the place, Greg!

You knew that when you married me.

She moved more of my stuff.

This is ridiculous.

So just go to your office on campus.

I would, but my assistant Grant is there...

Grant, wouldn't it be easier just to hand me the coffee?

Sure, but not as fun!

You are the boss.

Sit him down and tell him to be less annoying.

I'm concerned if I confront him,

he'll get all defensive and...

make things uncomfortable.

Just tell your mom to stop moving my stuff.

Greg, it's time that you do it yourself.

Confrontations can be fun.

I can't go a week without four or five good confrontations.

I've noticed.

I could have done without

the one about me getting butter in the jam jar.

Two knives, Greg. That's all I ask.

...Now that your lip liner is done,

it's time to apply your liquid lipstick.

Then...

What are you guys doing?

You two look absolutely ridiculous.

What is that smell?

It's called "Calf Blast."

Guaranteed to blast your calves in twenty-four hours.

Why are you blasting your calves?

There's this new hot ballerino

who's been flaunting his bulging calves

and Gina can't take her eyes off them.

Your legs are fine... your lips are fine.

We are all fine.

A few crunches wouldn't kill your father.

What are your feelings about boob jobs?

A person who gets a boob job needs a brain job,

because it's stupid.

The women on "The Bachelor" who obviously have them

I refuse to take seriously.

I refuse to take seriously

a mother who takes moral stances

based on "The Bachelor."

What's so urgent Dr. Ellie had to call us in?

I had to cancel my office hours to come here.

Hey, I have a job now, too.

And I already figured out the two words

that get me out of everything:

- "lady problem." -

...As of late,

Anna-Kat has been uncharacteristically dismissive of me.

Yeah, yeah.

Anna-Kat, you love Dr. Ellie. Why would you do that?

Mama told me to.

I thought that'd be the answer, but I was hoping otherwise.

Anna-Kat, I did not tell you to be dismissive of Dr. Ellie.

Ohhh.

You said people with fake boobs are not to be trusted.

I never said that.

I said they are not to be taken seriously.