Seinfeld

You know that manslaughter is the least serious murder charge?

- You don't say. - Manslaughter.

Literally, the slaughter of a man.

- Sounds brutal, doesn't it? - Heinous.

Yet it's the most socially acceptable form of murder.

So you think we should change the name.

Yes, I do. How about "inadvertent life-ending"?

"Unintentional snuff-out."

How about "I can't believe it's not murder"?

Oh, boy, I was up till 4 in the morning watching that Omen trilogy.

- That's good stuff. - The devil? Forget about it.

Well, he was the devil's son, right?

- I thought he was the devil's helper. - He's pretty scary for a helper.

I can't keep doing this to myself. I'm exhausted.

Can't you grab a nap at work?

Not with that big glass window looking out onto the hall.

And I love a good nap.

Sometimes it's the only thing getting me out of bed.

- I'll see you. - Bye.

- So, what are you doing now? - Gonna take a stroll through the park.

With a gentleman caller?

Yes, his name is Hal.

The walking date's good. You don't have to look at the person.

Hey, it's the next best thing to being alone.

- Hey, hi. - Hi.

- Shower? - Oh, pool.

I just swam 200 laps.

You are kidding.

Yeah, look at those babies, huh? They're prunes.

You know, I saw Conrad going up to your place.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Those new kitchen cabinets. How's that coming?

Slow. I gotta hold this guy's hand on every decision.

Hey, Kramer, listen. You've seen The Omen, right?

What exactly was that kid?

Oh, Damien?

Nothing, just a mischievous, rambunctious kid.

George, have you seen that American League directory?

It's a big green book.

- Right here. - Thanks, kiddo.

You know Twinkies aren't cooked?

It looks cooked. It's dark on the bottom.

That's just the way it is. It's a substance.

Well, I don't care. They're delicious.

- You wanna sit down? - Oh, I don't sit on park benches.

- They're very bad for the back. - Really?

I threw my back out 15 years ago. Ever since, I've been careful.

I buy my furniture at an ergonomic store.

Oh, those places have the stupidest names.

Like... Like Back in Business...

or Good Vertebrations.

Not this one. It's called the Lumbar Yard.

Hey, Jerry. Jerry, are you okay with this hinge?

- Yeah. - I can get you any kind you want.

Four holes, two holes, bronze, no hinge at all.

You know, why don't we just go with the one in your hand?

- Well, these are different. - Drop one.

Left.

Jerry, look at my eyes.

A little less beady today.

Because I'm refreshed.

I finally found a way to sleep in my office.

Under the desk, huh?

I lie on my back, I tuck in the chair, I'm invisible.

Sounds like a cool fort.

Hey, Jerry, do you want a flat edge on this molding...

or do you want me to bevel it?

- I'll tell you what I'd like to do with it. - Hey, Conrad, is it?

Conrad, Connie or Con. Whatever you prefer.

Let me ask you a question.

Could you expand the space underneath a desk...

you know, give it a little more headroom?

George, he's kind of tied up here.

What? It would have to be a night job.

- You normally work after dinner? - There is no normal.

Whatever Jerry wants. He wants me here late, I'm late.

He wants me early, I'm early.

You know, why don't you just work on George's project for a while.

Whatever you want.

So how was Wednesday in the park with Hal?

It was okay. He's coming over later to watch a movie.

Hey, listen, what's better for your back:

The couch cushions or a folding chair?

I don't know.

Maybe we'll just stand and watch the TV.

I gotta go. Somebody's at my door.

- Yeah? - Delivery.

- Elaine Benes? - Yeah.

We're from the Lumbar Yard. Got your mattress.

Mattress? I didn't order a mattress.

Who sent this?

"Hal Kitzmiller"?

You think it might be possible to add a little shelf, like, for an alarm clock?

What, about maybe that big?

- I don't know, like this? - Like that?

- Like that. - I can do that.

Great.

You know, this could sound crazy...

but what do you think about adding a drawer for, like, a blanket?

- Blanket or a quilt? - Blanket.

- About that thick? - Maybe like this.

- Like that? - Like that.

- If that's what you want. - That's what I want.

Hey, George, do you want this cup holder...?

Want it mounted on the left, the right, the middle?

Whatever.

This is unbelievable.

This is better than my bed at home.

All right. It's been a long night.

You go home and get some sleep.

- If that's what you want. - That's what I want.

- Morning, George. - Morning, Mr. Wilhelm.

- I got pool problems, Jerry. - What happened?

Well, I had been swimming for three hours...

and I was in a real groove, so I decided to keep going.

But at 10, they start the aquacise.

Thirty-five geriatrics throwing elbows.

It was like I was swimming through a flabby-armed spanking machine.

- Well, how long did that last? - Half-hour. Then diving class started.

Well, that got a little messy.

I gotta find a new place to swim...

because that pool can't hold me, Jerry.

- How was the movie? - I cancelled.

Hal sent a mattress to my apartment.

- The nerve of that guy. - Why?

He's got a back problem.

So you think he was expecting a roll in the supportive hay?

After one date.

- What's that guy's last name again? - Kitzmiller.

Oh, that's right.

What are you gonna do with the mattress?

I don't know, chuck it?

Oh, wait, no, no, no. I'll take it.

Yeah, come over. See if it'll fit in my bedroom.

- Oh, all right. - Yeah, my old one sprung a leak.

- You have a waterbed? - Sand.

It's like sleeping on a beach.

- Hey. - Hi, Con.

Jerry, I'm sorry I'm late.

George and I, we've been up all night long.

I can make up the time to you any number of ways.

How about this? Finish this thing up today.

- Couple questions for you. - No, no more questions.

Just figure it out for yourself and get it done.

All right, Jerry, but I can figure it out by myself any way you want.

Just do it.

Costanza. Where's Costanza?

Have you seen Costanza?

I've seen him around.

He was humming this song yesterday. I can't seem to get it out of my head.

I gotta know the name of that.

She's a heartbreaker A love-taker

Brubaker run this prison like a man

Something like that. Very catchy tune. Very, very catchy.

Well, you know what? I'm gonna sit here and wait for that guy.

What is this, People?

"The Most Beautiful People" People.

Connie Sellecca. Nothing wrong that, huh?

Elaine, you're taking this the wrong way.

That's not what I intended.

Well, what did you intend, Hal?

I just wanted you to have the comfort and support you deserve.

That's why I had the mattress custom designed for you.

Custom designed?

They adjust the foam density and the spring tension to your body type.

I estimated your height and weight: 5'8", about 110 pounds?

Oh, that is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.

- So you do like the mattress? - I love it.

I'm glad I kept it.

Over there, that's Brooklyn.

That's where Spike Lee lives.

Hey, there's a man swimming in the water.

No, that's probably just a dead body, son.

You see, when the mob kills someone, they throw the body in the river.

Hey, Jerr.

- Hey, buddy. - Hey.

Well, my swimming pool problems are solved.

I just found myself miles and miles of open lanes.

- What is that smell? - That's East River.

- You're swimming in the East River? - Yeah.

The most heavily-trafficked...

overly-contaminated waterway on the Eastern Seaboard?

Technically, Norfolk has more gross tonnage.

How could you swim in that water?

I saw a couple of other guys out there.

- Swimming? - Well, floating.

They weren't moving much, but they were out there.

Hey, Kramer. It's Elaine.

Thanks for bringing my mattress back...

and I guess I'll just get my spare key from you whenever.

All right. Bye.

Oh, this is a good mattress.

Where is this guy? I've been waiting for three and a half hours.

Should I go? No way, Jack.

I'm not humming it at the record store again.

- Mr. Steinbrenner? - That's what they call me.

- Your grandchildren are here. - Oh, well, send them in.

- Send the tykes in. - Grandpa, Grandpa, Grandpa.