Police Academy

Hello...

...Tackleberry.

We're all gonna miss you around here.

The Police Academy's getting itself a real fine recruit.

May I, uh...

...go now?

Affirmative, sir.

Ten-four.

Yes, of course. Ten-four.

You guys.

Surprise.

Lot's full, mister.

Look, don't give me that crap.

- You've got a space. - The lot's full, sir, really.

Find a spot, dickhead.

- Dickhead? - That's right. Where's the manager?

Dickhead?

Park the car, butt breath.

- Butt breath? - Yeah.

Wait a minute. Hold everything. That's a wig, isn't it?

- Ahem. Park the car. - Yeah, that's a wig.

Wig! Wig! Dong-dong-dong!

- Wig alert! Wig alert! Dong-dong-dong! - Park the car, asshole. Shut up.

Girls. It's a rug.

What the hell's going on here? Hi, Lou.

- Lou? - This rude little punk won't park my car.

Mahoney, park this car.

If you can find a spot...

Do it now or you're fired. You understand? Fired.

Fired? That's not fair, the guy has a bad attitude.

Do it, okay?

I want you to apologize to this man, then park his car.

Yes, sir.

- I'm sorry. - Get out of here.

And clean the ashtray while you're at it.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Lou. You just can't get good help these days.

- Respect for anything. They don't respect customers.

They don't respect property. They don't respect respect.

Holy shit. Jesus.

It fits. Damn thing fits.

I thought there were no more spaces. Am I an idiot or what?

Hi, fellas.

Hey, guys, just...

Hey, hey!

Guys, I don't think I'm supposed to get the photos wet.

You're going to pay for this. Mark my words.

And you want to know why? Huh?

I'll let you know why. It's no secret. Everybody knows.

I'm joining the police force. Ha, ha!

What do you think of that, huh? Huh?

Now who's in charge?

Hey, sarge, it's him again.

I'll call Captain Reed. Sit over there, Mahoney.

All right, let's go.

Sit. And stay there.

- What are you in for? - I'll show you.

[JONES MIMICS MACHINE GUN FIRE OVER PA]

Goddamn it! Stop that!

Oh, no, sir. No, not you.

That's terrific. Really.

- What's your name? - Jones. Larvell Jones.

Monsignor Larvell Jones.

M.D.

- Let's go, Mahoney. - See you around, monsignor.

Doctor monsignor.

Why can't you stay out of trouble?

I mean...

What's wrong with you? Last week: Disturbing the peace.

Week before that: Destroying private property.

And I'm getting tired of saving your butt.

I only do it because of your father.

- He was a good friend. - Yeah, I know.

Now, Mahoney, I've made a decision.

I ain't gonna help you this time.

You're going to the county lockup.

- Lockup? - Mm-hm.

Why? I didn't do anything really major.

- Then I'll make a deal with you. - Anything.

I want you to go to the Police Academy.

The Police Academy?

Even if you never graduate, the training will be good for you.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Reed?

Listen, you've seen the commercials on TV.

The Academy's taking all kinds these days.

Anybody can get in.

Even you.

No deal. That's nuts.

Well, it's either that or the lockup.

- Police Academy or jail. - Will I get my own squad car?

You'll get 14 weeks of Academy training and discipline...

...starting Monday morning. - Fourteen weeks.

Oh, they can throw you out.

But you can't quit. You quit, and you're back in jail.

That's the deal.

- Can I bring a friend? - Who?

Monsignor Larvell Jones, my personal physician.

You decide.

Honey, please don't go. I love you. I don't want to see you hurt.

I worry about you. You're so accident-prone.

And the Police Academy is such a dangerous place.

- Honey, don't worry. I'll be okay. - Unh!

Everything'll be okay.

You start that car and you're a dead man, buster.

Honey, I'm late.

You pull out of that driveway and I'll have your head on a pole.

Come back here, you turkey!

[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON RADIO]

You move this car an inch and you're finished, mister. You hear me?

[SOFT CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

Of all the things that you could be in this world, why a policeman?

A policewoman, mother.

But why?

Because it's exciting, it's different.

It'll give me a chance to meet interesting and unusual people.

Right now! If you don't pull over...

People who aren't like you and me.

- Hey, look, it's the chief. - Really?

Hey, mention my name.

Cadet Kyle Blankes reporting for duty, sir.

Get away from me, you asshole.

Yes, sir.

- Where are we, man? - Ecuador.

Okay! Oh, here we are. I got to go now. Bye.

- Bye, sweet-pea. Bye, cutie-pie. We'll miss you.

- Okay. Bye!

Okay, girls. Remember, I love yous.

- Bye! - Introduce yourself around, man.

Bye! Bye, babies. Goodbye.

Hey, excuse me.

- Do you know all those women? - Sure.

- They're my girlfriends. - All of them?

- Yeah. - Carey Mahoney.

I'm George Martin, Carey.

We should be pals. You're an interesting guy.

You a cadet?

I am until I can get myself thrown out of here.

I'll be gone by 10:00.

You, like, joined the Academy to get thrown out?

That's right.

Hey, you're a pretty interesting guy yourself.

Look at that.

Just look at that.

Look at that scum. When I went through this academy...

...every cadet was the right weight, the right height, color...

...and they all had Johnsons, Lassard.

Every single one of them.

Johnsons?

You know...

Oh, yes.

Back in the old days, there were Johnsons as far as the eye could see.

And what a lovely sight it was.

Have you seen these applications?

Have you seen what our new lady mayor has brought us?

Do you know she is attempting to dismantle...

...one of this country's great institutions of law and order?

What do you say to that, Lassard?

The bitch.

Commandant? - Yes, chief.

The mayor says we've got to take this flotsam.

But that doesn't mean we have to put them on the force.

You get my drift?

Weed the undesirables out.

- Get rid of them. - No problem, chief.

We'll start washing them out this morning.

We don't throw them out.

They must be encouraged to quit on their own.

- Do you understand? - I think I understand, sir.

Thank you, Lieutenant Harris, I'm sure you do.

- Lassard? - What?

Do you understand?

- It's clear as glass, chief. - Good.

Then we all know what to do.

That's it...

There sure are a lot of spades around here.

Which I think is good.

Very good for the Academy.

What the hell are you doing here?

I want to be a police officer.

What? I can't hear you.

I want to be a police officer.

- Don't unpack. - Well...

...time to get thrown out.

Princess. Princess! Prin...!

- What's your name, Cadet? - Thompson, sir.

- You live around here? - No, sir.

What's your telephone number, Thompson?

Come on, eyes front. Telephone number.

5-5-52-4-6-7, sir.

Okay, let's see the thighs.

Come on, come on. I haven't got all day. The thighs.

- What in the hell are you doing? - Meeting women, sir.

What's your name, dirtbag?

- Dirtbag? - Your name?

Mahoney, sir.

Back in line, Mahoney.

Sir, can I have a second with you? Um, listen. Uh...

I don't really belong here. I'm not right for this.