It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Hey, knock, knock.

Oh, hi, Charlie.

Hey, Ma.

Listen, you're doing me a solid offering to do this laundry, all right?

Well, we never get to talk.

That's why I offered.

We don't talk, and it's good that way.

Hello.

Hey, Mac's here.

He brought his laundry.

Thanks a bundle, Mrs. Kelly.

I got Frank's stuff, Dee's stuff, Dennis' stuff, so you're gonna be working.

Oh, okay, well, what I wanted to talk to you about... Ooh, talky, talky, talky,

talky, talky.

You know, Mom, we're busy.

We got a whole big day planned.

Yeah, we got to go back to Paddy's and polish off a couple

beers, so it's like... Beers, you know, but hey.

Time is of the essence.

We'll come back when it's folded and good and done.

I'd like to bring it up now.

Um, I have cancer.

Yeah, but I got to... I'm sorry. What?

I have lung cancer.

What?

But how?

You don't even smoke.

Well, you know, it's just one of those freak things.

And then Psychic John said that he could tell I

was under a tremendous amount of stress and that my heart was

filled with sorrow.

Now how would he have known that if he wasn't psychic?

I'm not giving you any money for your dumb psychic.

But he says I'm gonna have a tremendous windfall of cash.

You're losing your mind.

You're being scammed.

I'm losing my mind?

How many pairs of shoes have you lost this month, Frank?

Three.

Hmm?

Four. That's not the point.

The point is my mind is as sharp as a... what do you call it?

Um, it's a... Knife?

No, uh, what you put... What you... What you... I just don't understand why

it's my fault.

It's your fault because your mom is directly responsible.

Yeah, but we both decided to move them in together, so you

know, you deserve half the blame.

You want to put half the blame on me?

Guys, my mom has lung cancer.

Oh, God.

You know, geez.

That's-that's terrible.

What the hell was that, dude?

That didn't sound very genuine.

No. Sorry.

What was I supposed to do?

What are you... Are you kidding me?

Are you screwing with me right now?

No, I'm sorry.

I think the cancer thing, for whatever reason, is just not...

You know, it's just not grabbing me right now.

Not grabbing you?

My mom is dying!

Okay, calm down, calm down.

Okay, because my mom has a doctor that can cure the cancer

for 4,200 bucks, so no big deal.

4,200 bucks? To cure cancer?

That's it?

No, I mean, that's a scam.

That's what I was saying.

Do you think it's a scam?

Come on, people take advantage of old people and scam them all the time.

Thumbtack.

What?

Thumbtack.

We were talking about things that earlier that were sharp,

and a thumbtack is sharp.

Thumbtack?

Yeah.

All right. You see what I'm talking about?

People get old and then their brains turn to mush, and then

people come along and take advantage of them.

Now, Frank, give me the hundred bucks you were excited to give

me for my psychic.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Where the hell are we?

I mean, your mom's totally screwing my mom again with this doctor scam.

No, it's not a scam, Charlie.

She's been seeing this guy for years, and she doesn't have cancer.

Yeah, I got to say, though, this is a strange place for a doctor's office.

What's this guy's name?

Dr. Jinx.

Dr. Jinx is the name of a monkey, not a man.

Come in.

He lives in a garage?

Yeah. Guys, look, let's just give him a shot, all right?

If we don't like what we see, we reassess.

All right. Go.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Are you Dr. Jinx?

Indeed I am.

Have a seat.

Goddamn it.

So, what are we gonna do, guys?

I'd just like to say this is, uh, this is weird.

Now, I can understand your suspicions.

Now, when most people think of a doctor, they don't think of a

black man living in a garage surrounded by houseplants.

I normally think Asian.

Yeah, or I think of an Indian guy.

Or white.

Middle Eastern. Pretty much anything other than black.

Is that racist?

Hell, yeah, it's racist.

Your parents ain't let you watch The Cosby Show when you was coming up?

Oh, my parents would never have let me watch something like that.

Let's not make this about racism.

Let's make this about the man who's living in a garage

treating my mom for cancer.

Hey, hey, now, look, here's my deal: I use ancient homeopathic remedies derived

from the Mother Earth.

You can't get no cleaner than that.

Homeopathic from Mother Earth, huh?

Dr. Jinx, I have an eczema situation that's burning me up good.

Do you have anything for that?

Oh, shit.

Well, that's not eczema.

What you have there, my friend, that's sailor's rot.

Sailor's rot?

I'm not a sailor, Dr. Jinx.

When was the last time you've been to Haiti?

Never. I've never been to... I've been to Kensington.

When you was in Kensington, did you have intercourse with

any hoes, ladies of the nights, or prostitutes?

No. No. I have... Don't worry about it.

Doctor-client privilege.

Don't worry about it.

I got what you need, okay?

Oh! Oh! Oh, that burns!

Mother Earth don't play.

Do you have anything from the Mother Earth that would be

sprayed on me and cause me to have feelings again 'cause I'm

having trouble feeling things.

Oh, you want feelings?

Oh, I have something for that.

Dr. Jinx got something for feelings.

Okay, so that was a scam, right?

Yep.

Oh, absolutely, yeah.

I think he sprayed me with Miracle-Gro.

All right, guys, my mom has real problems.

I need real help.

Oh, I got it.

I know exactly who we need to turn to next.

Holy, holy, holy.

Lord God of power and might, heaven and earth are full of your glory.

This is ridiculous.

What are we doing here?

We're turning to the big man upstairs.

He's gonna make this right.

I can't believe you think this is a real solution to our problem.

Dennis, what do you think of all this?

Shh. Amen.

I'm just trying to embrace this.

I want to see if I can knock some emotion loose.

This is ridiculous.

Hey, hey, hey, don't say that; now kneel.

Why do I have to kneel?

I don't see the point.

Because God wants it.

Look, just do what the priest says; don't ask why, just do.

Look, our moms are here.

They see the value in it.

Why can't you?

Where's your mom going?

Oh, she keeps a cigarette burning out on the steps

outside, so she's gonna go hack a butt.

So, she just comes and goes as she pleases?

There's no sort of rules for her?

She's put her time in here, all right?

The Lord makes an exception for her.

Jesus Christ, man.

Hey... stop using his name in vain; now, stand.

Stand?

Yes, and give me some money for the baskets.

No, I'm not giving you money.

We have to give money... Thank you, thank you.

Look, maybe the church should give us money, you know?

They seem to have plenty of it.

Dude, the church doesn't give money; it takes it, all right?

That's the way it works.

And then you go to heaven.

Now, kneel.

Kneel? I got to kneel again?

Actually, it's over.