Preacher

Hey, get off. Get off.

Hey! Hey! I said scoot, didn't I? Go.

My goodness, you're adorable.

- Is this the right place? - Probably.

My cat ran off. Dusty.

He hasn't been back in five nights.

Which is not like him, you know? Not like him at all.

Uncharacteristic.

Very uncharacteristic.

And I was told about a lady here.

Might be able to help track him down for me?

Madame L'Angelle is a world-renowned spiritist,

diviner, mistress of the pyramids.

She sees through walls,

round corners,

into human hearts.

She'll find your cat.

I hope so.

He's not an outdoor cat, you know?

So, I'm worried that he might be...

Parking is $8.

Sorry. Right.

You can park out by the slave quarters.

Occult Room's in the big house. Gator tours on the hour.

Gift shop closes at 5:00.

Welcome to Angelville.

(SINGING) If you've got the money

I've got the time

We'll go honky tonkin'

And we'll have a time

We'll make all the night spots

Dance, drink beer and wine

If you've got the money, honey

I've got the time

There ain't no use to tarry...

Welcome to Angelville,

where the magic of the South comes to life.

Spare me the carny talk.

I'm here for the tombs.

Tombs? I... I don't know what that is.

Come on, little man.

I got money. I wanna see some blood.

I honestly don't know what...

Maybe you should ask over at the Boyd place across the way.

They're into all sorts of shady stuff, Officer.

L'Angelle scum.

If you've got the money, honey

I've got the time

Hey, TC.

Hey, Jody.

What took you guys so long?

I was halfway ready to eat that stupid chicken.

Anyway, thanks.

Afternoon'll probably pick up.

What?

What? That's it. I swear.

Son of a...

Sorry to bother you, but...

I don't know if you can, but please...

Everything

has a price.

You understand?

I'm sorry.

No. I am sorry.

They're assembling now, Messiah.

Don't call me that.

- I still don't understand what... - We have to start somewhere.

Build you up, introduce you to the world.

And this?

Your speech has been focus-grouped multiple times.

- I wrote the last draft myself. - I can tell.

I know messiahs.

How they begin, how they rise.

I know what makes them work.

And this is how they start.

A cape?

An 11th century Flemish fencing cloak with gold applique.

You see? Gives a sense of authority.

I don't give a shit.

I'm not wearing that.

Shall I save seats for your friends?

They're not coming.

Oh.

Well, it's a packed house in there already.

That is awesome!

Quiet!

Give me that.

We have a special guest today.

Someone who is apparently quite holy.

And if you're good, he will perform, or so I'm told,

a miracle for us.

- Is it God? - No!

But close.

Preacher?

- Thanks. (CLEARS THROAT) - (CHIMES)

Hey.

"Look around. The world has fallen into confusion and decay.

"Murder, rape, sedition, incest, lesbianism.

"But I have a power...

"A power to make things better.

"Let me ask you a question.

"If you had a power that could make anyone do whatever you said,

"what would you do with it?"

Get my fart machine back!

Quiet!

You're never getting that disgusting thing back. Ever.

Ohhh.

Hey, kids, you wanna see a miracle?

Me!

It's the Armenians! The Armenians are coming!

Everyone, get behind a table now!

Get down!

Come on!

- (CHILDREN SCREAMING) - Let's go! Get down! Come on!

Move aside, priest.

We just want the nuns and the children.

Idiots. Do you know who this man is?

Put your weapons down.

What did you say?

Say that again.

I said...

Put your weapons down.

(SINGING) My sweet Lord

Mmm, my Lord

I really want to see you

Really want to see you

Really want to see you, Lord

Really want to see you, Lord

But it takes so long, My Lord

Hallelujah

My sweet Lord

Hallelujah

Mmm, my Lord

Hallelujah

My, my, my Lord

Hallelujah

I really want to know you

Hallelujah

Really want to go with you

Hallelujah

Really want to show you, Lord

That it won't take long, My Lord

Hallelujah

(CHANTING) Preacher! Preacher! Preacher! Preacher!

Okay. I'm gonna see you all later. You take care of yourselves now.

Bye!

Get it all?

Every screaming child and heathen cry.

- Already posted and trending. - Ah!

Got a call from Jimmy Kimmel's people.

We're off to Los Angeles.

It sort of worked out, then.

Yes, minus the anxious pupil who defecated on my shoe.

Why were they shooting blanks?

Who?

The Armenians.

They had no live rounds in their guns.

Such an alien culture. Who knows what they're thinking?

It was a stunt. You set me up.

There is no time for conventional methods.

The Christ child, unibrowed cretinism notwithstanding,

is miles ahead of you in name recognition.

We have to spread the word.

And this, as I said, is how we start.

Now, come on. The jet is waiting.

I didn't sign up for this shit!

Spoken like a true Messiah.

Jimmy Kimmel, right?

Yeah.

Exciting. Starr's a genius.

And now we're his right-hand men.

Ready to serve him no matter the cost or cause.

Ready to face down any disbeliever

who dares oppose him and drench the streets in their blood.

Yeah. No, I'm excited.

I'm gonna unplug the air mattress. Maybe take a shower.

Playing by day. Feeding by night. We are the Children of Blood.

Join us, and let your darkest desires drink deep.

- (SCREAMING) - (MOANING)

(SINGING) I stand there

Before you

Afraid that I

Have lost you

To someone

Hey.

Hello.

I can't believe

That you...

All this for you?

Hmm?