Bored to Death

All the shadows in the city

Used to love you, what a pity

I miss the question used to ask me

Bored to death, cut mad and lonely bored to death, cut mad and lonely

Bored to death, cut mad and lonely

Hi

You still smell like you

- Take it - Okay

- Hello - I saw you're out on Craig's List

I need a private detective

Yes, of course, thank you for calling

but can I get back to you in a little while? I'm with another client

But you'll definitely call back?

I need your help, I think my boyfriend is cheating on me

Yes, I promise I will definitely call back okay, goodbye now, I'm sorry about that

That's all right, new girlfriend?

No, of course not, I don't have... wait a second, are you seeing someone?

- Let's not talk about it - But you just asked me

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up, no, I'm not seeing anyone

but we shouldn't talk about that kind of stuff

We should really only discuss neutral, non painful topics

But all topics with you feel painful

Let's just start over, okay?

- So, how are you? - I'm in pain

- Jonathan? - I need you, I miss you

I'm living like an animal, I have no toilet paper, no food, no toothpaste, I miss you

You miss me shopping for us that's great, Jonathan

No, I miss more than that

You forgot my box of love notes, I brought it for you

I love you more than you know, Jonathan

That was a nice note

But you don't have to read your name at the end

I know I'm very literal minded, you know that

Is that Ray? Is he coming in here?

I thought I might need to see him after seeing you, I didn't think it overlap

Jonathan, I don't want to see your friend

This is really hard for me too, you know

Hey, Suzanne, how are you?

Okay, I was just going

- It's okay, I can sit right over there - Oh, no, no, no, I really need to go

- Say hi to Leah for me though - Okay

Suzanne

I can't believe it, she forgot my box of love notes

Tell me about man, women are tough

Leah's getting me get a colonic tomorrow

What?

She wants me to get a colonic, something about me being in a bad mood all the time

because I'm leaking toxins

- Leaking toxins from where? - You got to go with me

I have a real phobia around my ass

Yeah, sure, I'll go

I guess it's a good thing that you're willing to change for Leah

If I had changed for Suzanne she wouldn't have moved out

I'm not goanna change I'm just goanna pretend to change

I can't change, that's impossible

You're my best friend, Jonathan

You're my best friend too, Ray

- No, I'm just reading this thing - Oh, come on, come on

Those are my love notes, don't read these, give me these, oh, Ray

- George, what are you doing? - Hey, I'm just practicing the speech

I have to give tomorrow in my mind, I need an audience

- All of Manhattan? - I love this city

I was walking around this morning I saw this woman who looked exactly like...

uh, you know, that actress in the Um No DeBar...

- with the big nose? - Yes

I would love one night with her

She might be completely boring but the nose would be so distracting

you couldn't get bored

Men must chase after her like crazy

Yeah, but she probably knows if someone wants her for her nose or for herself

That's true but then nobody's really loved for themselves, are they?

- I mean, all love is projection - Really? Come on

Think about it, you know I'm in your movie and you're in mine

Two different films really

We don't really know each other, we just make a guess at knowing each other, right?

I think the same is true about love

Do you purposely try to depress me every time we see each other

Yes, yes, I do, now why are you here, young un?

Oh, right, right

Green issue's coming around again

Now I want you to go out and ask people

what's most upsetting to them about the environment, you know, man on the street

Please, go ahead, one night

- It's a woman? - Sort of

- Jennifer Glabel? - Yes

- Jonathan, the private detective? - That's right

Hi, uh, can I have a white wine?

I thought you'd be older

Yeah, well, I got into the business at a young age, I was drawn to it

Would you like a drink, drink?

Oh, no, I'm on the water wagon, tonight

Oh, I understand, I avoid the wagon by drinking white wine

- It has a very low alcohol content - Oh, that's really smart

I love white wine and red and rum

So tell me what's going on? You think you're boyfriend's cheating on you?

I'm not a hundred percent sure but I'm like 95 percent sure

I did try to access his Email but he changed his password

- You had his password? - Well, yeah, just like a year ago

I went through a jealous phase but this time it's real

- Are you sure? - That's what one of my therapists said

are you sure? Yes, I'm sure, God, it's like I'm surrounded by Holocaust denighers

It happened, I'm sure

You know, my therapists aren't helping me at all, which is why I contacted you

but if you can't help me then maybe I should just go back to Texas

- and find someone who can help me - I'm sorry, I do want to help you

Has your boyfriend been acting differently in any way?

Yes, we don't live together so when I call him at night

his phone goes straight to voicemail, which it never used to

And he's always been very available to me, which is what I need

So you'd like me to follow him, tail job?

- Yes, tail job, yeah - Okay

I brought a picture

- Oh, he's a good looking guy - Yeah

all women want him

So have you and your boyfriend been having specific problems

other than the voicemail issue?

He thinks I drink too much which is why I'm quitting

Really? My girlfriend left me for the same reason

but it's all projection it's her father who's the alcoholic

I just drink two white wines a night

Yeah, I do drink more than that

But you're right, Gary's mother is an alcoholic

That makes sense because in every relationship

we're either with her mother or our father

I think Gary's my father

My girlfriend, Suzanne, was my father... as a woman, you know

and nothing I did was right in her eyes

and that's exactly how it was growing up with my dad

I'm sorry, I don't care about your girlfriend or your dad

I really... I really just need you to find out if Gary's cheating on me

I can't sleep at night

Yes, I would like a white wine, please, no, I would like a vodka martini, dry with an olive

Are you sure you just don't want the white wine, low alcohol?

Yes, I'm sure, yes

Thanks again for being here, man

No, I like being here

This pamphlet has a lot of good information in it

You know, we really should all be vegans I'm kind of a non practicing vegan

That's the other thing Leah wants me to change my diet

so when I'm here, I goanna eat healthy

when I'm not with her I'm goanna eat like an American

- Can you pull that off? - Yeah

it's just a double life but we all live double lives

Ray, there's something I've been meaning to tell you

Oh, shit, I hate it when people say that, what?

Three weeks ago, when Suzanne moved out, I put on an ad on Craig's List

So? Everybody does that I saw Burton Stocks on Craig's list

No, this is different, I put up a listing advertising myself as a private detective

A what?

I've been moonlighting as a private detective on the side

- You can't do that, that's illegal - Why?

I say that I'm not licensed and that makes it more legal-ish

You have to take that down you can't just do that

No, I've really had a client I found a missing girl

It was... it was like an out of body experience, I wasn't me, I was heroic

Are you delusional?

No, and I got... I keep getting calls, I just got my second case

I have been reading so many of these detective novels, that I know what to do

I can help people

Jonathan, I consider myself a very open minded friend

Half the people I know are disturbed

But you cannot just go around and say that you're a detective

You can't mess with other people's lives like that, you can barely lead your own life

- Which one of you is Ray Hustoff? - That's me

I am happy to meet you, I am Yusef

And who is this? Your partner?

Uh, yes, no, he's my friend he's here to support me

That's nice, have you been to other colon hygienists or is this your first colonic?

- It's my first - Well, don't be scared

It will be a good experience for you, I promise

I am going to find all your treasures

The world is completely melting and yet beautiful women are still being produced

The one positive in this pre apoplectic times

I need to find a bathroom

I think some of that water that he pumped inside of me needs to get out

Well, don't you feel any relief? Any sense of lightness?

No, I feel worse, probably a hard case

All those gyros rotting in my intestines

I'd love to be detoxify

I think I'll use the money from my new case for a colonic

I don't want to hear about the detective stuff right now

I just want to find a commode

Do you want me to rub your shoulders or something?

No, not on the subway, Jesus

It's bad enough that Yusef thought you were my partner

Well, if were lovers who do you think would be the top?

I'm bigger than you so clearly I'm the top

I don't want to talk about this right now though

Yeah, but sometimes a little guy can be the top, you know, like a dog that herds cattle?

You would be the cow and I'd be that little dog just barking at you

Did you get stoned while I was getting my colonic?

- No... well, a little - Oh, God

- Here I go - Are you all right?

It's okay

We're almost home, we're almost home

This is Suzanne, please leave a message

Hi, I just want to let you know that I'm shopping, I don't know, maybe I'm changing

Buddhism says that if a man walks across the room, he comes back a different person

so anyways, I'm sorry to bring this up