Tremors

Listen up Got don'ts and dos

You got hot I got typecast

Gonna have to break all the rules

'Cause I'm cool and wacky

I feel like a wrong man throwing out the rules

Out of control and spacey

Don't tell me what I ought not to do

I reserve the right to get crazy

I reserve that right

I reserve the right to be all intelligent

I reserve the right I meant exactly what I meant

I reserve the right Guess who's doin' yours?

I reserve that right

Help me! Please! Please! Somebody help me!

Help me! Please, help me! He's coming!

He's coming after me! Help! Help me!

Help me!

I gotcha, man. I gotcha.

Give me your other hand.

Help! I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die!

No!

Stow that cell phone.

You can't get a signal out here, and that's the way I like it.

That was him. The Graboid.

Affirmative. You've just been greeted by El Blanco.

Did you kill him?

He's protected. An endangered species. Concussion grenades.

Non-lethal, but the loud noise drives him away.

Good.

For a few minutes.

Hey, there was another guy.

What?

A hiker or someone. It got him.

Damn. Damn! Not again.

It was bad, man.

I mean, it just swallowed him. It was horrible.

Trust me. I know what it's like.

And nothin' we can do for the poor guy now.

Yours?

No, mine's under there.

Dodge Charger, V-8, 326 horse...

Tourist? Stopped to take a picture of the sign.

Yeah, but I'm not actually a tourist.

Left the radio on, engine running.

I keep telling 'em that sign does more harm than good.

El Blanco's comin' back for more. Let's move out.

Burt Gummer.

Man, am I lucky you came along when you did.

Luck had nothin' to do with it.

I monitor my geo-phone network 24l7.

Knew you were comin'. Saw where you stopped.

I track all seismic vibrations in the Valley.

You said that on 60 Minutes.

Made me look like I was some kind of antisocial, para-military paranoid.

And right in the middle, Chang's Discount Market.

Discount?

Well, discount's just what we call it.

Located right in the heart of downtown Melville.

Melville.

Melvin, you would actually rename the town you grew up in after yourself?

Why not? It's all my vision.

I mean, without me, you guys are pretty much futureless around here.

Futureless.

My store's doing just fine, thank you.

And we are steadily growing ourselves into a viable tourist destination.

Sure you are. Come on, Jodi.

Now, I'm offering you a chance to become part of the Melco family.

Turn your business into the kind of place your uncle always wanted it to be.

Jodi's uncle loved this valley, Melvin, just like the rest of us.

Oh, everyone except you, that is.

Hey, forgive me, Miss Woodstock of 1969,

but how many ceramic pots does the world need?

And how many mini-malls and tacky tract houses does the world need?

Melvin, look. Here comes your best friend.

Lincoln Navigator, luxury package.

There could be one in your future, Jodi. Think about it.

That little turd.

He's a developer, owns half the Valley.

He'd love to turn us into the next Reno.

Hi, Burt.

Who's your friend?

Tourist. Stopped to take a picture of that damn sign.

Actually, I'm not a...

Bad news is El Blanco scored another kill.

Oh, no.

Who? A hiker or backpacker.

Probably unregistered. This guy just got his car sucked.

Oh, sorry about that.

Brings us to seven.

That many?

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, yeah, the ATVs.

Nope. Separate list.

Gotta report it to Twitchell.

We got forms to fill out.

These tourists think everything's "Pirates of the Damn Caribbean."

Like I keep tryin' to say, I'm not a tourist.

You with the government?

No. Bought myself a business out here.

That.

Desert Jack's Graboid Adventures.

You're gonna restart the tour business?

Yeah. Met Desert Jack himself in Vegas.

Said it's a real money-maker.

That's great. I was wondering who was gonna pay his debts.

Excuse me?

You see, you buy his business you assume his debts.

It's a law. State Statute 4715-B, section 7.

You know, we should really talk business synergy here.

Okay.

Well, let me see what I got myself into here.

Hey!

Who are you?

Guess I'm the new owner of that battery.

Jodi, I thought you said this was all abandoned and stuff.

Not anymore. Rosalita, Tyler. He bought the business.

Bought the business? This business?

Well, yeah.

Oh, I get it. Tax write-off kind of thing, huh?

Nah. Just one of those things that seemed like a good idea at the time.

Coming all the way out here seemed like a good idea?

Well, what are you doin' out here, then?

I'm taking care of myself, getting away from people who ask too many questions.

And I guess I'm buyin' myself a new battery.

Jodi, you really get that for a battery?

I'll take 10% down.

Okay, let's start with the injury report. What's your name?

Uh, Tyler Reed, double "E."

Double "E."

You be sure to give Big Brother all your personal data.

Burt. Burt.

Now, if you're gonna live here, there's a lot you're gonna need to know

and it's all in this video. You may have heard of it. It's called...

What's...

... Burt Gummer. Monster Hunter.

Tips for stayin' alive when targeted by Graboids, Shriekers and Ass-Blasters.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, was that...

El Blanco, of course.

He comes into town?

You gonna stop him?

If he's gonna hang around,

he could use a wrist-seismo and a right boot.

But how often does this happen?

Not often, about once or twice a day. Here, put this on.

Thanks. No biggie. It goes on your tab.

What tab?

Date of birth? Mother's maiden name?

Blood type?

El Blanco, what have you been up to all day?

What the hell?

Relax. If El Blanco's anywhere nearby, you'll feel your seismo vibrate.

Hmm.

Thought you might want some breakfast?

Oh, thanks.

Aren't you guys kinda pushing the envelope out here?

I mean, he goes right under your store.

Well, we're kinda like the Hindus with the cow.

Excuse me?

El Blanco's endangered. Nobody can touch him.

So that developer, Melvin Plug?

He can't make a move because all this is El Blanco's habitat.

So, the thing that protects your lifestyle also wants to eat you?

Hmm. The word that comes to mind is "paradox."

You'll get used to it.

Burt? Wait a sec!

Yeah!

I want you to be the first to see my latest creation. Gung Ho Gummer.

This one's for you.

Yeah.

It'll do great in Japan.

You're welcome!

I call it Grabboccino.

Oh, come on!

Sorry, hon, it needs work.

Jodi, Burt here. Come back.

Yeah, Burt.

Got a dirt biker runnin' around out here somewhere. You know anything about it?

Haven't seen him and no one's rented a wrist-seismo.

Idiot. He's just askin' to be Graboid chow. Burt out.

Maybe more nutmeg.

Jodi, Burt here. Come back.

Yeah, Burt.

El Blanco just had himself a wild burro burger.

Guess that backpacker didn't hit the spot.

Ah, Burt, that's cold.

That's Perfection. My point is the dirt biker's safe.

That much food should hold El Blanco for a few days. Burt out.

You gonna be okay today? I could stay.

I've been wondering about something ever since I left Las Vegas.

How come I don't get a day off?

Well, let's put it this way.

Your Uncle Miguel left the ranch to you, not me.

You're buildin' equity, and I'm workin' for minimum wage.

Oh, and, uh, Rosalita, don't overdo it.

You know, ranchin's all about slow and steady.

What the hell?

All points. Come in. Repeat. All points. Come in. Over.

Burt, I'm tryin' to run a business here.

Repeat. All points come in, over.

Yeah, Burt, you got Nancy, what's up?