Summer School

Wondermutt, go get Bob.

Hey, guys! You all got your grade cards, right?

OK.

What have we learned this year?

Teamwork, sportsmanship, how your friends look naked.

You'll notice your grade cards are blank.

Who better to evaluate a student's progress than the student himself?

Good morning, young people.

Vice Principal Gills has some words for you. Mr. Gills.

Thank you, Principal Kelban.

Well, well, I suppose you all remember the English skills test last month.

- No. - No.

- I had English? - The dot-to-dot puzzle?

Yeah, that was it, yeah. No, I don't remember.

I'm not surprised. All of you failed.

However, in accordance with policies on minimum academic proficiencies,

you'll have the opportunity to retake the exam.

- Great. - Oh, joy, I have a boner now.

- Hi. I'm all packed. Are you ready? - One minute to go.

Your parents have been notified you'll be retested after completing

the mandatory course in remedial English. In summer school.

- What? - We just finished a whole semester

and we gotta go to summer school?

- You're crazy. I ain't going. - My grandmother's gonna kill me.

Twenty, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15,

fourteen, 13, 12,

eleven, ten, nine, eight,

seven, six, five, four,

three, two, one!

I won! I won!

I won! I won!

Gills, Kelban. I did it, I did it.

Look at this puppy. 50,000 big ones.

Know what this means? No summer school.

Wait, you gave me your word.

That was the old word. My new one is "money".

You would let 50 grand weaken your commitment to education?

Lesser men win millions, go right back to busing tables!

They're frigging morons!

Let me out of here! Let me out of here!

Don't look at me. You're in charge of summer school.

- May I speak with you a minute? - Sure.

I need you to teach summer school. Dearadorian just quit.

- Didn't he teach remedial English? - Well, yes... Winnick!

Musway!

Stop! Stop!

Mary!

I have to talk to you.

Kim, get in the car.

It's OK. I'll meet you at the airport. I'll get a cab. Take Wondermutt.

Shoop.

All right.

Mr. Shoop. Oh, Mr. Shoop.

Congratulations. You've been chosen to teach summer school.

Shoot.

If only I'd known sooner.

- We're going to Hawaii. - May I remind you, Mr. Shoop,

you're up for tenure. You want a job next year?

Come on, Mr. Gills. Look, we got leis on and everything.

You'll be teaching remedial English.

Remedial English? Look, I ain't no English teacher.

See? Double negative.

No, I hand out basketballs, check for jockstraps. I'm, like, very challenged.

- I'm not a real teacher. - That's all right.

These aren't real students. They're unmotivated, irresponsible.

- They'll relate to you. - I appreciate that.

No, the reason I got into this whole teaching gig was to get summers off.

No, I'm afraid my answer has to be no.

No, thank you?

Bottom line, you need my recommendation for tenure.

This is blackmail.

We call it school spirit.

Kim.

Have you ever seen The Wizard of Oz?

- Oh, I love that movie. - Yeah. Yeah, me too.

And my favorite part is when Dorothy, she clicks her heels together

and she says, "There's no place like home.

"There is no place like home."

Oh, Shoop, I understand.

You do? You're not disappointed?

No. I'll just go by myself.

- What, alone? - I'll make friends.

Look, Kim, if you love me, even if you just like me a lot, you won't do this.

If I didn't like you, I wouldn't ask you to drive me to the airport, now would I?

Guess not.

You're in room 43.

Files on your students.

A word to the wise, Mr. Shoop:

Right off the bat, you show them who's in charge.

Great.

Who is in charge?

Very cute.

Thanks. So are you.

Oh, you meant...

Jeez, I'm so embarrassed. But you are cute.

I'm all right. I'm Robin Bishop. I teach American history next door.

Hi, Freddy Shoop. Remedial English, right here.

Everybody calls me Shoop.

OK, Shoop.

Why am I here? Oh, thumbtacks. Could I borrow some?

Sure. I was just gonna get my summer bulletin board going here.

Jackpot. Whole box. Here you go, my treat.

- But what about your bulletin board? - Oh, yeah. Give me one.

Remedial English, huh?

I got it easy, I have honor students. They're here voluntarily.

- Believe it? - No.

I've seen some of your students.

Very scary. You must be a good teacher.

Shucks, Robin, I don't know.

Heck, inside every so-called bad kid is a good kid

waiting for someone to reach down through the sleaze and slime,

pick him up and hose him off.

If we fail with even one child, we might be losing the next Ted Koppel.

We're the unsung heroes doing God's work.

You're not wearing a wedding ring.

Yeah, my mother noticed that too.

So you're single. In love? Involved? What's the story here?

The story is that I've been seeing someone.

But we just started dating, so you do what you think's right.

- OK. - I better get going.

Well, here, I'll walk you.

So you're free to see other people, then?

Are you asking me out?

- Well, if I was, would you say yes? - I might.

Well, I might be asking you out.

- You like Chinese? - I hate it.

Me too. I can't stand it.

Wanna go out and not eat Chinese?

I might.

Why don't we talk about that after school.

I'm in love again.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. The crowd goes mild.

- Hey, wow. - Kevin?

- What happened to football, buddy? - Yeah.

I was kicked off the team for being stupid.

All right, it's about time.

Congratulations, bud.

Sorry I'm late.

Hey, Mr. Shoop, wow. You in this class too?

- I'm teaching it. - No way!

Party all the time Party all the time

My girl likes to party all the time

All right, have a seat. Let's see who the lucky winners are.

Larry Kazimias. Where's Larry?

He's nocturnal.

Oh, OK.

Try and keep it down. Francis Gremp?

Don't ever call me that. The name is Chainsaw.

- As in Black & Decker? - As in Texas Massacre.

- Oh, yeah, that's in here. - It's in there.

- They got files on us. - Pam House.

Says here you lack concentration.

Pam?

Never mind.

Jerome Watkins.

Computer said I failed that test.

The computer made an error.

I recommend this time, I pass.

You're gonna do well, Jerome. I can feel it.

- Alan Eakian. - Present, sir.

Four brothers, two sisters, all straight-A students.

What are you doing here?

I assume there was some sort of a baby mix-up at the hospital.

- Rhonda Altobello. - Here.

You went from C's to F's. What happened?

Any other questions?

No.

- Denise Green. - What's that file say about me?

It's a lie. You wanna know about me, ask me. What you want to know?

- Where are my car keys? - How would I know?

What, does that thing say I'm a thief too?

All right, where are my car keys?

- Chainsaw? - Somewhere in this room.

Right now you're very cold.

- You're really cold. - I want those keys.

Oh, God, you're freezing.

OK. OK, I'm a fun guy. I'll play along.

- Getting warmer. - You are getting hot, man.

- Oh, I see smoke. - You are on fire!

Oh, you're walking on the sun! Ouch! Oh, wait.

My mistake, I forgot where I put them. You're ice-cold.

Enough of this shit.

Does that mean we can swear in class?

- Shit, yes! - Hey, watch your fucking language!

Watch your language, fart-face!

- Where are my keys? - There's the dick-brain that knows.

If I knew anything, would I be in this butt-hole class?

Suck my loggerhead.

Damn it!

- Jizzum-head! - Jizzum-head. Yeah, good one.

One of my all-time faves.

Psychology.

You give a child the license to swear, they lose all interest in it.

- I certainly did. - You're full of bull.

It's OK, you can say "bullshit" in here.

I'm grateful.

I'm sure you're aware that I'm teaching next door.

And this swearing is getting a little loud.

You think you could concentrate on some obscene gestures for a while?

Yes! Yes, that's the idea.