Def-Con 4

'So, since your sister got her security clearance,

'we've both been making a bet about where we think you are.

'She says you're probably out on a submarine, and, er...

'I say you're probably up on a secret base

'somewhere around the north pole or something.

'I figure if you're on a submarine,

'you probably wouldn't be able to get these tapes.

'Plus, everybody knows that submarines only stay out for three months.

'But...

'Honey, er...

'Something weird has been happening lately.

'Er, I mean...

'What I'm saying is that

'it's like you died and I've gotten over it.

'I was having these dreams for a long time that you did die.

'And then I'd wake up and I'd realise that if you did,

'there would be no way I would have of knowing,

'and maybe you are already dead.

'They kept becoming more and more real until, er...

'I finally was feeling a little bit desperate.

'So I told them when they came to pick up the tape a few times ago,

'and, er... they sent out an army psychiatrist for me.

'He wasn't a whole lot of help. He said he didn't know where you were either,

'but he knew it wasn't dangerous, so I shouldn't worry.

'I should just... try to be patient.

'But um... I don't have them anymore.

'That's because I've decided that you are dead.

'I've put that in my mind so that I won't be too disappointed when you don't come back.

'I'll have already adjusted myself to it.

'But if you ever walk through that door again,

'It'll be like a miracle from God.

'You'll be a gift from heaven.

'And my life's gonna pick up where it left off the day you walked out.

'Hey!

'I got a surprise for you.

'Remember when I told you that your sister was going to get her security clearance?

'Susie, come here.

'Come over here and say hi to your brother.'

'Hi, how are ya? Getting any lately?

'I had a lot of things to tell you, but I can't remember them now.'

Thanks.

Um...

You...

It's not my, er, business, but...

Howe, you're not going to give me a lecture now, are you?

No. No.

We've only got six months left.

Six months, Howe!

You know, I used to think that I was very tough.

I mean, you have to be to get through training school with assholes like Walker.

But I swear to God,

I do not know if I am tough enough for six more months of this.

You know what I keep thinking about?

I keep thinking about putting on...

too much makeup and, er...

doing my nails real red,

putting on something real slinky.

Going down to some sleazy bar.

Picking up a bike gang.

It's a joke, Howe.

- We don't have to do this now. - Walker, yes, I do.

'They're not that bad, are they?'

Mmm. It's been a while.

What? Since you've seen two people have sex on TV?

No.

Since I've seen a woman.

I'm crushed, Walker. You got me right where I live.

I need a urine sample, now.

'Both Washington and Moscow are gripped with alarm and confusion today

'with news that an American cruise missile

'landed in the Soviet industrial city of Veronich,

'300 miles southeast of Moscow.

'Although the missile contained a one megaton thermonuclear warhead,

'it did not detonate

'and is now in the hands of Soviet defence officials.

'Sources close to the navy are now indicating

'that a US navy supply ship disguised as a tramp steamer,

'which was hijacked yesterday in the Mediterranean,

'may have been carrying eleven tomahawk cruise missiles

'capable of reaching cities such as Veronich.

'The navy has stated that the hijacking was carried out by what it called "pirates"

'or forces who may be loyal to or under the control of the Libyan government

'or the North African Defence Alliance.

'In a moment, we will go live to Washington

'to bring you a report on the reaction from Capitol Hill.'

You're not gonna believe this.

That US supply ship that Libya captured yesterday -

it just said on the news, it had eleven tomahawks on it,

and one of them just landed in Russia.

'No official confirmation of a possible nuclear incident involving Soviet cities,

'but we are now aware that a full stage alert has been called for.

'All NATO forces, both conventional and strategic,

'fighters have been scrambled.

'B-52's are now airborne,

'and cruise missiles have been dispersed to their covert launch sites in Europe.

'In a hastily organised speech to Congress,

'the President indicated that American forces are fully prepared

'to retaliate against any aggressive moves by the Soviets.

'He has advised the nation to go about its business as normal

'until the tension subsides.

'The President closed his address by stating that...'

Oh, my God!

Get Walker!

Wa... Walker! Walker!

I don't believe it.

DEF-CON 2.

You ready to do this?

Maybe we should see if we can detect anything.

So what have you got?

I think I'm coming up with heat trails on infrared, lots of them.

Super atmospheric? All right, Walker. Fire.

No, look, it might be some sort of limited exchange, military targets maybe!

Let's wait for War 1 before we fire!

This is only a bad dream.

All right, look, it's happening, right?

- Yes, Jordan, it's happening. - All right, then launch, Walker!

We'll launch when we get War 1.

Maybe the order can't get through. Look...

We're supposed to fire on our own discretion

if we have evidence that an attack has started

and we believe that War 1 can't get through.

We'll launch when I say we launch, OK?

- Try some Earth signals. - Will do!

'...have explosions over seven Soviet cities.'

The stations are all disappearing!

They're all getting blown away!

- What about the baby? - Shut up, Howe.

Your family has a chance, they live in a remote area.

Mine are in Seattle. I just saw Seattle go.

I'll check Detroit.

We have a solid object alert.

Russian, right? It's Russian, isn't it? Walker, we've got to do it now.

We don't have any more time. We've got to drop the payload!

Walker, you bastard! Fight!

I'm warning you, Jordan.

- Twelve kilometres per second. - The range, Howe!

- 642 kilometres. - That gives us 50 seconds.

Which one of our warheads passes closest to it?

The Leningrad is four degrees off.

- What number is Murmansk? - Seven.

Seconds... make it twelve!

- Ready. - Do it!

Of course all these results are conditional.

On what?

On what? I don't know on what.

This does not account for the... unknown.

I mean, all these estimates are based on

atmospheric conditions, radiation levels, surface movement, weather,

all things measurable from thousands of miles away.

So what area came out best?

Antarctica.

OK, say we got no orders and decided to go back to Earth -

where should we go to ensure our best chance of survival?

Seychelles.

Easter Island.

Parts of Central America.

I can't help but notice

you've been listening to that thing at the same time every night.

I suppose it doesn't make any difference.

I'm listening for my wife.

She's got a transmitter, sort of like a ham radio.

'Cecil?

'Cecil?

'I don't know if you can hear me or not, but I'm going to do this anyway.

'You're probably dead like most people.

'Cecil, you better be able to get this.

'This is gonna be a farewell from my spirit to your spirit.

'Honey, we didn't get hit, so everything was OK at first.

'Everything was OK, except...

'except that your sister and a lot of people in Redwood county, they got blinded.

'But then we got the disease.

'And some people, they think have got something, probably from the radiation.

'It's terrible.

'Everybody's dying.

'They say the germs have been affected by the radiation.

'Honey.

'The baby died.

'He got the disease.

'And they found out and they shot him and they burned him right away.

'And then they took all the food that we'd buried,

'and I have to stay quarantined in the house now.

'Honey, I don't feel well.

'My gums are bleeding.

'I think I've got it, too.

'I miss you so much.

'And I... I want to see you again.

'I don't want to die.

'We're going to try to get away.'

Radiation down there is incredibly high.

Yeah, it is.

But we're going back to Earth... now!

- Sorry? - I'm going to help them.

I'm going to help Alice and my sister get out of there somehow.

Howe, your wife is dead.

You fuckface!

Howe! Calm down!

We're not going down into any radioactive disease-land.

You just calm down now.

Get your hands off me.

Well, all right. What about you, Jordan?