South Park

- I'm goin' down to South Park

Gonna have myself a time

Friendly faces everywhere

Humble folks without temptation

- I'm goin' down to South Park

Gonna leave my woes behind

- Ample parking day or night

Please spouting "Howdy, neighbor"

- Headin' on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind

- Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine

- Erectile dysfunction is a fact of life.

You want to show her you love her,

but you're old, and so is she.

The next time that special moment comes,

don't let your sex drive fail you

just because your wife looks like a shriveled prune.

Fake it with Cialis.

It won't make her any hotter,

but it'll make you not care for up to three hours.

And then you can still have your own separate bathtub

from her later on.

- Hey, Sheila, you feel like having some fun?

Oh, dear.

Did the Cialis commercial turn you on again?

- How about I put on the uniform?

Oh! Gerald.

- Huh? What do you think?

You know you like it.

Oh, hello.

UPS, ma'am.

I have a... package from Amazon for you.

- Oh, dear. But I'm barely dressed.

- If you'll just sign right here.

- Oh, you're so rough with me, Mr. UPS man.

- Yeah? You like your package, ma'am?

- Oh, yes! - Huh?

Do it harder, UPS man.

Ike, what's the matter?

Dude, you've been in here crying all morning.

What's going on?

- Oh, my God. Ike, are you sure about this?

Yes! Yes!

- Ike, this is a big deal. You have to be absolutely 100%.

- I saw them, Kyle! I saw them!

Oh, no.

You guys can't tell anybody, all right?

Not until I figure out what to do.

- Dude, what happened? - Take a look.

What's this?

Ike found out last night.

My mom's having sex with the UPS man.

- Whoa. - Dude, no way.

Yeah, dude.

- But are you sure they had sex?

Like, sex, sex? Like, they actually had sex?

- Yeah, dude, like, full-on. Ike saw everything.

It totally makes sense now.

My mom's been ordering all kinds of stuff from Amazon lately.

Sometimes she doesn't even remember what she's ordered.

She's probably been having sex with the UPS man

for a long time.

- Well, are you going to tell your dad?

I don't know.

I feel like I should confront my mom first,

but it's so embarrassing.

- Kyle, have you stopped to think that maybe

the sex wasn't consensual? - What?

- Isn't it possible your mom was raped

by the UPS man?

We know nothing about this guy,

and he shows up to all our houses.

Think about it.

What kind of sane, normal person

would want to have sex with Kyle's mom?

- Cartman, dude, not now. - No, hear me out, you guys.

Haven't you seen those ADT commercials?

Women these days get raped

by perfectly normal-looking white guys in broad daylight.

It may be too late for Kyle's mom,

but I'm getting some goddamn security.

- Look, look, the thing is, do we tell Gerald,

or do we just stay out of it?

- How do you tell him? "Hey, Gerald!

Sorry, but the UPS man is banging your wife. "

It's really none of our business.

- If my wife was having sex with the UPS man,

I'd want you guys to tell me.

- How do you know she's not? I mean, think about it.

This is a guy who visits all our houses during the day,

who clearly has a kind of insatiable lust.

I mean, somebody who would have sex with Kyle's mom

would have sex with just about anything.

Oh, come on,

he can't be trying that with all our wives.

- Wouldn't be the first time.

Yeah, there's a price to be paid with having things convenient.

Used to be a man had to go to the store

to buy himself a pitcher of milk.

Yeah, but men got lazy.

They wanted that milk delivered right to the door.

Only problem was, the guy delivering that milk

ended up fucking your wife.

Sure, you had your nice, cold milk

delivered right to your doorstep,

but your wife was getting pounded out like a mallard duck.

And now you got yourAmazon...

and the milkman's come back.

And none of you are safe.

- And so you'd need the motion detectors

in the living room and the kitchen,

the touch pads at the front and rear doors,

and break-in monitors on all windows.

I'm afraid those are not secure at all.

- Oh, no! Really?

Oh, I'm sorry,

but I really don't think I can afford this.

- Mom, do you want to get raped?

Haven't you seen their commercials?

You can get raped by a white guy these days, Mom!

Oh!

- Yes, unfortunately, it's not enough

to just be fearful of strangers these days.

What do you mean?

- Well, many times, houses are burglarized

by someone the victim knows.

- Oh, my God! I knew it!

Kyle is always taking my stuff!

Just yesterday I couldn't find my iPod headphones.

That sneaky little Jew.

- We realize it's a lot of money, Mrs. Cartman,

but really, how much is feeling secure in your own home worth?

- Yeah, Mom, there's dangerous people out there

trying to screw us both.

- Don't you need to be getting to work, Ran?

- No, I think I'll, uh, just hang out a little while longer.

I'll get it.

Hey, there.

Looks like I got a couple packages

from Amazon for you.

Oh, is that so?

- If I can just get your signature right there.

- Sure. Uh... Chad, is it?

Thad.

Thad. Nice.

You, uh, having a busy day?

- Oh, you know, just trying to get to everyone.

Yeah, I'll bet.

Well, have a good one.

Yeah, you too, Thad.

Hey, Sharon, these came for you.

Ooh, stuff from Amazon?

- Yeah. What are they?

- You know, to be honest, I can't remember.

- You just ordered stuff off ofAmazon,

and you can't remember what?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!

These are the paring knives I ordered.

Sorry, I think I was a little tipsy.

Oh, and this is the book Stan's been wanting.

Can you take it up to him?

Yeah, sure, 'cause...

people just order stuff from Amazon

and forget what they got.

Stan, you got something from Amazon.

Oh.

Aww, shit!

Ah, fuck.

Oh, God damn it.

Hello?

- This is Jeff with Wolf Home Security.

Is everything all right?

- Yeah, sorry. I live here.

I just-I can't remember the code to turn off the alarm.

That's okay.

Do you have your security pass phrase you can tell me?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, my pass phrase is

"Kyle is a dirty, no-good Jew. "

No, wait! "Kyle is a no-good, lying Jew. "

- Okay, I've got something a little different here.

- Uh, is it "My friend Kyle is a no-good, dirty-"

Hang on, I've got it written down here somewhere.

- No problem. - Sorry about this.

- It's all right. It happens all the time.

- Okay, thanks, I- Wait! Hang on second.

What do you mean, "That's all right"?

What if I was somebody trying to rape my mom?

- You want to rape your mom?

- That's nice you're so cool about me

triggering the alarm and not knowing the password,

but how do you know I'm not making it up?

I could have raped my mom twice by now.

You said you live there.

- I do, but you don't know that.

I could be Kyle trying to take more of my shit!

How did you get rid of him?

How did you get rid of the milkman?

- There's no getting rid of him.

Not in any way you folks would be prepared for.

Nah, best you just let him go on fucking your wives.

Maybe he'll get tired of it.