King of the Hill

-(serene music) -(birds chirping)

Hot enough for ya?

Shut up, Bill. You've said that three times.

-(rifle shot) -(Bill screams)

-What the... -Dang ol' dang.

Damn, you should've seen your faces.

Very witty, Colonel.

What brings you to our humble alley this afternoon?

Well, all the money I inherited from Topsy's estate

got me to thinking.

Topsy's dead.

I outlived my last friend.

Dang, it makes a man feel invincible.

Congratulations on once again outrunning the reaper, sir.

It gets better than that.

Topsy left me $10,000 to take care of his funeral.

So after the cremation and ash bag,

I'm still up 9,920.

Well, that's great.

You can finally get your Cadillac car back from Lane Pratley,

so you don't have to keep taking the bus everywhere.

Heck, I bet you'll have enough left over to buy a certificate of deposit.

Car payments? CDs?

That ain't good enough for Topsy.

I'm gonna use the money to do what he would've done.

Hell raising and girl chasing.

And I'm gonna need someone to help me.

Uh...

Fatty. -Sir.

-Ain't you in the Army? -Sergeant Barber, sir.

Fatty, you're my new friend.

Congratulations.

Really? Me? Thank you, sir.

What are we gonna do first? Should I change my shirt?

Take my shirt off? Get a new shirt?

So then Cotton says, "I bet Fatty here can eat 50 potatoes,"

and the bartender said, "No way."

Which, of course, was a terrible insult to the colonel's honor.

Long story short, I was pronounced legally dead.

But it was a heck of a weekend.

Yeah, it was a...

What else you got to get into around here?

Me and Topsy's money are getting bored.

If you're looking for fun, I've got a super long extension cord.

We could see what it would be like to make toast in the alley.

Nope. Only thing that makes sense is to head for the place

where a man with American dollars can live like a king,

suckling on God's great teat.

-Mexico. -Margareetees and senoreetees.

Amen, Fatty.

What? No, no way.

I got a brochure from a timeshare in Mexico.

It looks beautiful.

You're gonna buy a timeshare?

In Mexico?

We don't have to buy.

We can stay for free and all we have to do

is listen to a 20-minute information session.

Perfect. We can save our money for hookers and bribing Federales.

Dad, we have good relations with Mexico right now,

I'm not gonna let you jeopardize that.

Especially when you should be doing something useful with that money.

-Don't worry, Hank. I'll be with him. -(sighs)

Bill, these timeshare people will clean you out.

Now, I'll okay making toast in the alley but you two aren't going anywhere.

You can't control your wife and she's only half the man I am.

Fatty, pack your most colorful pants.

We're going to Mexico.

Whee!

It's so hot.

This corn is practically cooking.

Now, Bobby, the more you complain about the heat, the hotter it feels.

I'm worried about my dad.

I'm gonna have to go down to that timeshare with him,

make sure he doesn't do something crazy.

Plus, I'll be baby-sitting Bill.

His wages are still being garnished by Columbia House.

A timeshare is the last thing he needs.

You be careful, too, Hank.

You're going down there with a liver, two kidneys and no timeshare.

I expect you to come back the same way.

Well, if an at-risk kid can't get me to order Sports Illustrated,

no one's gonna sell me a timeshare.

Oh, God, why won't the sun go down?

Gadbirk, you drive slow, boy.

A Mexican speed limit is still a speed limit, Dad.

Hey, Fatty, I got a game that'll help pass the time.

Who do you think is uglier, Hank's mother or Hank's wife?

Here it comes, Bobby.

-(gasps) Hi, Peggy.

You're sweating like a pig.

Dale, if you block my sprinkle turn, I will take you down.

That's for amateurs. I'm stalking the big gallonage.

Hank's wife or C. Everett Coop?

Take your time.

Wow. This is pretty nice.

Welcome.

-Welcome. -(car door closes)

Or as we say in El Grande Vista,

Bien-ven-i-do.

Look, uh, Rich, I just want to be honest so there are no hard feelings.

We're not interested in buying. Especially Bill.

I appreciate that.

But it's my job to make sure everyone hears our dumb little shpeil.

After that,

we can start your free world-class vacation.

Ohh... Do they make swim diapers in my size?

Because I don't ever want to get out.

Look, Peggy, I can do a one-handed hand stand.

-See? -(car door closes)

This house is in truly move-in condition.

They're gonna take our pool away.

I can't go back to the lawn.

You, find us another pool.

This is O'Kelly.

Our founder.

Wow. -Hoo!

O'Kelly has incredible gifts.

We're lucky he used them to build the world's finest timeshares.

It's strange.

I fear him, but I am not afraid.

-All right, I got three up. Wendy? -(sighs)

I know. I've got the bald, fat guy who's gonna look down my shirt.

Mitch, you take grandpa.

And then, there's, uh, Mr. Consumer Reports.

Leave it to me.

I just hope I'm good enough.

You seem like the kind of man who'd really enjoy O'Kelly's company.

-He's an adventurer, explorer... -Yeah, yeah,

smells like strawberries, pees ginger beer. Don't care.

I know how you feel, Mr. Hill. Afraid to take a chance.

If you're like me, your wife would tan your hide

if you thought for yourself.

Yep, that's why I'm not buying.

I'm a big 'fraidy cat. I'm barely even a man.

My wife chases me around with a rolling pin.

It's got nothing to do with timeshares

being one of the worst investments there is.

Bill, an attractive man like yourself...

I'll buy.

-Congratulations. I think you'll find... -(machine beeps)

Oh, it seems this card has been denied.

I, I got other cards.

Do you take Blockbuster?

Oh, wait. I forgot about this baby.

It has no credit limit.

I hear you, Hank. But let me ask you this.

How much do you spend on an average vacation?

Bill, no.

I'm holding onto this,

and I'm not letting you out of my sight.

No one is buying a timeshare.

Congratulations on your new time share, Colonel.

-I'm in. -(cork pops)

O'Kelly sounds like

he's got the smarts of Topsy, the gumption of Brooklyn,

and the moxie of Fat Brooklyn.

He's like all my old dead friends rolled into one big, live friend.

Yeah. Yes.

-To Brooklyn. Absolutely.

Look, I don't know anything about this O'Kelly guy,

but you were in a sales-pressure-induced daze

and they made you sign something you didn't understand.

-We'll get you out of this. -I don't want out.

Damn it, boy, quit acting like a doorjamb and get onboard.

Maybe you should think about it, Colonel Hill.

Our policy here is if you decide you don't want to live life to the fullest,

you got 12 hours to back out.

In the meantime, why don't you enjoy a bite

at one of our world-class restaurants?

Here are some owners' coupons for 10 perfect off.

You see that, boy?

What do you get with your precious AAA card?

They don't even take those here.

Isn't it beautiful?

Last time I was here, they were puppies.

Uh, now, which one of you is Scamp?

That hair dryer, mine.

Copy of LeisureProperties Monthly, mine.

Looky here, they got the water that don't give you the hot poops. Swanky.

Look, I admit, it's a great room,

but I saw an ad that anyone can rent the same O'Kelly suite for $35 a night.