Melissa & Joey

Previously on "Melissa & Joey..."

A secret daughter?

Then that would make you my dad?

It would.

How do I know I can trust you?

You don't have to worry about trusting me anymore. We're done.

Dani, what are you doing here?

Like I was gonna miss my dad's wedding.

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

You know, I don't know what I'm more angry about.

The fact that you ran away from home without telling your mother

or that you just stuck me with a $400 cab fair.

In my defense, I tried to pay

with these earrings.

They're real gold.

Aww, Joe, that's so sweet.

Dani was gonna give up her earrings to see her dad.

Oh, these aren't mine. These are my mom's.

You stole them?!

What?! I'm gonna get them when she dies.

Okay, look, that's not so bad.

When I was in college, I tried to pay a cab driver

- by giving him a... - Mel!

Borrowed credit card from my dad!

What did you think I was gonna say?

Do me a favor, Joe.

Just don't call my mom, okay?

Oh my God, you brought her back.

Oh-oh! Give me hug,

my little illegitimate granddaughter.

Oh, I am so happy to meet you.

Nice to meet you too, lady.

Don't go getting too attached, mom.

She's going back first thing tomorrow morning.

What is she, a shelter dog?

When did you eat last?

You look like a twig with eyes.

Grandma will fix that.

Oh, yeah, let her have anything she wants.

My daughter is basically a runaway jewel thief,

and you're making all nice.

Well, I just want her to feel welcome here.

Yeah, well, Felicia goes on tour tomorrow.

So she's gonna have to come back up here tonight and get Dani.

Oh, come on, let her stay for the wedding.

Okay, first of all, her mother would freak out.

All right? Secondly, letting her stay here,

wouldn't that be rewarding that terrible behavior?

So we'll tell her, "no cake."

Call Felicia and tell her we'll sort everything out in the morning.

And you know, try to lighten up.

Tomorrow's our wedding day, take two.

And I'm gonna vow your brains out.

I'm sorry. I'll get out of your way.

No, I don't care.

Stay, go... It doesn't matter.

I take it the reconciliation

with the artist didn't go so well.

Yeah, Zander slept with his roommate.

Ooph.

His roommate's a girl, right?

What is it with you men? Are you all just horrible?

Grandma Sophia used to say,

"if you have one, you are one."

A lot of deep thinkers in Jersey.

You know what?

I got to apologize for what I did earlier.

I was a jerk to show Zander those pictures of us.

No, Zander's the jerk.

If he can go off with someone else,

then you know what? So can I.

- Let's do this. - Hey!

- What are you doing? - I'm kissing you.

Hey, hey, hey, uh, as much as

portions of me are very interested in this proposal,

it seems like you might be coming on to me

out of revenge.

So? What difference does it make?

I'm sorry. I'm not a piece of meat.

Oh, so you ruin my relationship

and then you're not willing to help me move on?

Thanks a lot.

Sorry, buddy, it's not your night.

Oh, look, here comes the bride...

Who hasn't had solid food in a week!

You're still on that little juice fast?

I'm so hungry, I bit the inside of my cheek this morning

and just kept chewing.

Don't worry, everything's on track

for the wedding this afternoon.

Did you tell her about the judge yet?

- What? What about him?! - There's nothing to tell...

Except he can't make it.

What?! Where are are we gonna find

someone to marry us on such short notice?

I could do it. Here, check this out.

This website... I can be a fully ordained minister

in like 10 minutes.

Oh, yeah, he's right. It says,

you just have to be 16 years or older

and have access to a credit card.

- It's a very accepting church. - I'm not sure about this.

Please, aunt Mel, come on,

let me give you this as my wedding gift,

because I didn't buy you guys anything.

Oh, all right, if I have no other choice.

Yes!

Can I get an amen?

Well, you're gonna need to tell Joey

about the right reverend Ryder.

Well, maybe later.

Dani's mom is here right now.

And Joe's helping smooth everything over.

I have the worst mom in the whole world!

You want to know why?!

And it could take a while.

I'm not going on another

lame old-guy rock tour with you.

The bus always smells like marijuana and Rogaine!

Unfortunately, the tour leaves this afternoon

and you're coming with me now.

But I want to stay for Joe's wedding.

And you know what, honey? That is a very sweet gesture,

but I think in this case, your mom is right.

You should probably, you know, go with her.

- What if I stay with you? - He just met you.

He doesn't want you moving in with him.

I didn't say that. Now, don't go putting words in my mouth.

Look, you're my daughter. If you want to stay here,

- you can stay here. - You mean that?

Absolutely, yeah.

Yeah, I mean that. You could stay here.

Why don't you just stay here?

You know what? You go stick your needles

in cheap trick's arthritic knees

and, you know, when you're done,

in a couple weeks, you come back

and you pick up Dani.

It's a nation-wide tour.

We're gone for six months.

Six months?!

I mean, six months.

It's, uh... it may not be enough time.

So can I?

Fine.

But I'm gonna miss you, honey.

Joe, what's your new wife gonna think

about the new addition to the family?

Oh, I guarantee you. She... she is gonna be

surprised and delighted.

And surprised.

Hey, how you doing?

Oh, I'm just enjoying

a delightful glass of kale juice.

Mm-hmm, it's not very tasty, but on the other hand,

it's disgusting.

I cannot wait till the end of this day.

Till we're husband and wife?

Till I can look at you

and not see a barbecued chicken where your head should be.

So, um, what do you think of Dani?

- Ugh, she's great. - I know. She is, isn't she?

Hm-hmm, yeah, but I got to say,

the running away from home, stealing from her mom,

all that defiance, ugh!

She reminds me of me at that age...

Only worse. She's got your mouth.

Yeah, she's a handful.

Yeah, I got to tell you,

I would not trade places with Felicia

for all the Merlot in aisle four

at discount wine barn.

What if you did?

Yeah, but I didn't.

Yeah, you kind of did.

You see, um, honey, I... I... I...

I sort of told Dani that, uh...

That... that she could stay with us for a little while.

How little?

- Six months. - Six months?!

Yeah, oh, it's... it's just gonna fly right by.

Wait, Joe,

you made this huge life-altering decision

without consulting me first?

Now?!

When I can't even eat my feelings away?!

I had no choice, all right?

Her mother leaves to go on tour tomorrow for six months.

I mean, I can't just abandon Dani.

Well, look, I'm not a lawyer,

but I don't think it's called abandonment

when you leave a child with her mother!

Okay, I am not upset

that Dani is gonna stay here.

I'm upset that you made this decision on your own.

Marriage means we're a team.

We are a team...

Starting now. And you know what?

We are gonna be the best frickin' team

since Siegfried and Roy.