Gossip Girl

Gossip Girl here--

your one and only source

into the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite.

You shouldn't have sent that video in to "Gossip Girl."

I didn't do it.

If you didn't do it and I didn't,

then who did?

Of course I love you, Chuck. I've always loved you.

Humphrey, you bastard.

You and your family will quite literally pay the consequences.

Or did you forget about the dowry?

If she defaults on the marriage, the dowry can be reinstated.

You do not have to go with them.

It's just a year. It's not that long, right?

This is Estee, A.K.A., my royal minder,

but I've just been calling her "Creeper" for short.

I do have feelings for Dan. I'm sorry.

This isn't gonna be easy for me,

but at least you're being honest.

I don't want to get in the way of you and Dan.

I think we need to get her to the hospital.

Please stay with me.

You're the only person I feel safe with.

I won't leave you. I promise.

Oh! Mother?

Charlie, what are you doing here?

She's been with Ms. Rhodes for months.

She's been such a solace to her.

Mom?

Why did you introduce this girl as your daughter?

Who is she? Ivy Dickens.

Your mom hired me to be you.

You hid an entire family from me for money?

I don't really wanna be alone. Can I stay with you?

There's nothing we can do.

You need to go in and say your good-byes.

They say we should carry our secrets to the grave.

But on the Upper East Side,

secrets are the one thing you can never bury.

Even when we think we know everything about the ones we love,

there's always a skeleton in their walk-in closet.

Thank you for seeing me on such short notice.

Mrs. Humphrey, in my business, there's rarely advance warning.

Oh, of course. I just wanted to make sure

all of mother's funeral arrangements were perfect.

She was very particular, liked things a certain way.

Um, would it be possible

for us to work with our own florist?

Oh. I'm... sorry.

I thought you knew.

Your mother provided very detailed instructions.

In fact, if you return home right about now,

I think you'll discover the wake is already underway.

Well, I can hear my mother laughing from beyond the grave.

I'm sure she just didn't want to bother you

with making all the arrangements.

Or she just didn't trust your taste level.

Oh.

I'm the other daughter, Carol.

Crashing as usual.

Well, since you're here, you might want to know

that it seems mother took care of everything in advance.

I'd tell you to invite your daughter--

the real one, not the fake one--

but she's not speaking to you.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I apparently have a wake to host.

Aren't you gonna be late for work?

Or you pulling a "Vanilla Sky"

and hiding your hideous disfigurement

from your global publishing empire?

What? I thought you found my lacrosse injury sexy. No?

Besides, I figured we could spend the day together

and catch up.

Uh-oh. No. No.

Don't give me that "Let's talk about our feelings" face.

What? This is normal face. Okay?

No, I'm worried about you. In the past 72 hours,

you found out that you have this entire secret family.

Yeah, and my mom hired an actress I know to play me.

I'm aware.

Then why haven't you said a word about it?

I may not have known about the Van Der Woodsens

for the last 19 years, but they sure knew about me.

And they didn't care,

so that pretty much tells me everything I need to know

about your fancy friends from the Upper East Side.

Now buy a girl some breakfast?

All right. Two minutes.

Get dressed. I'll make coffee.

Hey. How you holding up?

Well, the past few days have been tough on everyone.

But I-I have a question. Are you with Lola?

She hasn't been answering any of my calls or texts.

Ahh. Yeah. She's...

Not really that interested in being a Rhodes right now.

Well, trust me, I know what it's like

to want distance from your family more than anyone.

But I thought maybe with Cece's death, she'd make an exception.

Well, I'm not so sure.

The entire Van Der Woodsen clan on a good day

can be pretty overwhelming.

Well, I have an idea. Maybe... you know, maybe she can

just dip her toes in the water with just me?

I'm at my mom's right now. No one else is here.

They'll be at the funeral home for a while.

Maybe the three of us can meet up.

I mean, I'll ask her. I just can't promise you anything.

Thank you, Nate.

Coffee?

Top drawer.

It relaxes me to watch Anita Dust.

I did not need to know that.

What's got you in such a good mood?

I recently found out

who actually sent "Gossip Girl"

the now-infamous video of me and Blair

at the royal wedding-- that hump, Humphrey.

What, Dan?

He was only too happy to let Serena and me take the fall

so he could worm his way into Blair's broken heart.

Unfortunately for him, when she finds out the truth,

his chances with her will be destroyed,

and she will be mine again.

I don't know, Chuck. Are you sure

you want to start World War Waldorf right now?

Why wouldn't I?

'Cause you and I both know

that nothing can actually happen between Dan and Blair

for at least a year.

So... a lot can change in 12 months.

Take the high road.

Grab your coat. I'm kidnapping you

and taking you to a bona fide Humphrey brunch.

Psst!

Ah. Bien sur. Merci. Nous parlerons demain.

So for those of us who took Italian,

what was that all about?

That was Cyrus and another attorney at his firm.

They think they may have found a loophole in my prenup.

Are you serious?

Yes. Apparently, since we signed it in Monaco

but got married in the U.S.--

You can contest it.

Oh, we can try.

Cyrus thinks the Grimaldis may have to grant me

an amicable annulment,

meaning that they'd waive my dowry...

And you wouldn't have to wait the year for...

Anything.

When will Cyrus know for sure?

Well, he's supposed to talk

to the Grimaldis' royal attorney in an hour,

so rain check on that waffle? I should wait here...

Hopefully for the last time.

No.

Delete. Delete.

What are you doing?

Trying to help.

No, you're not.

If you were, you wouldn't let me slave in front of this computer

all day as Gossip Girl.

Well, I thought you said knowing everyone's secrets

as Gossip Girl was your dream come true.

It was, until I realized how much work it is.

I mean, look at me. I'm exhausted and aggravated.

I have no social life to speak of.

I feel like a stay-at-home mom.

Oh, honey, don't say that.

It's true. I mean, all my life I've been the one

that they write stories about, and now I'm just

another anonymous shut-in with an online shopping addiction.

Tell me, what can I do?

Well...

Since you asked, Georgina Sparks needs a recharge,

so I've decided to take a mental health day,

and I've found the perfect event to crash--

Cece Rhodes' secret wake.

What about "Gossip Girl"? The site can't go down all day.

It won't.

That's why I'm leaving you in charge.

Don't worry. It's not rocket science.

You just take the tips that people send in

and post them if they're worthy.

Are you sure this is such a good idea?

Aw, what's a Van Der Woodsen family event

if I'm not there to ruin it?

Besides, I already promised a new friend

I'd be her plus one.

Thank you for coming with me.

I know I was invited, but, uh,

I don't think I could face them all alone.

I understand. When everybody at a party hates you,

who better to bring than someone they hate even more?

What are you doing down here?

I thought there was a family breakfast this morning.

Oh, there's a lot more than that going on upstairs.

I just came down to warn my mom.

You'll see for yourself.

Is Blair's houseboy up there?

You mean Dan?