Three Men in a Boat (Трое в лодке, не считая собаки)

ON ORDER OF STATE COMMITTEE FOR TELEVISION AND RADIO BROADCASTING

LENFILM

TELEVISION FILM PRODUCTION GROUP

LONDON

THREE MEN IN A BOAT TO SAY NOTHING OF THE DOG

BASED ON THE NOVEL BY JEROME K. JEROME

A terrible time, our poor London,

It's become unsuitable for living.

A man now has to breathe in stench,

and mist and fumes.

The horrible and terrible, dreadful and nightmarish,

insane and crazy 19th century.

The horrible and terrible, dreadful and nightmarish,

insane and crazy 19th century.

Rumble and gnash, ring and boom,

Machines are devouring the world.

Now a man has to live like

in hell from the birth.

The horrible and terrible, dreadful and nightmarish,

insane and crazy 19th century.

The horrible and terrible, dreadful and nightmarish,

insane and crazy 19th century.

Cars upon cars are filling

London streets.

These killers have already

murdered two people in England.

The horrible and terrible, dreadful and nightmarish,

insane and crazy 19th century.

The horrible and terrible, dreadful and nightmarish,

insane and crazy 19th century.

PART ONE

ONE NIGHT

Good evening, dear ladies and gentlemen!

And sweet children.

Good evening indeed!

Although I hope that children will keep us company just for 30 minutes.

As soon as the famous Big Ben strikes 8 times,

they will go to bed.

Like they used to say: good night, baby!

By the way, many of you probably don't know me.

No, I have no claims, I'll just introduce myself.

My name is Jerome.

No, Jerome Klapka Jerome. This is my full name.

On the 2nd of May

1889 I'll be exactly 30 years old.

Yes, yes, 30 years old already.

Or I could also say - still 30.

Although, I've had plenty of various events in my life.

I've tried so many things!

By the way, it might interest you.

Here, in my hands, I have,

so to say, my complete biography.

Here I am a railway clerk.

Once, while working on time-table,

I got daydreaming, and locomen didn't know where to go.

So I didn't have much success in that field.

Here I am a riding instructor, and, as you may see,

of delicate manners too.

But I haven't had any skills in either of them since childhood,

and failed to make a career.

Here, a reporter. Moreover, a shorthand writer.

Once I wrote down the speech of a Member of Parliament so short,

that it all ended up with the resignation of the government.

And this is just my Auntie.

No, this is my Granny.

It's me. Myself.

I worked as an actor at that time in a repertoir theatre.

I used to play a lot of such comic old ladies.

You can't imagine what farce at a provincial stage is.

But I will show it to you. It's easy for me.

So, Mrs Bikely's songs from my repertory.

I still remember all that

A bench amid scarlet roses,

And a dark-haired guardsman,

Whose name was...

Whose name was...

This is a guardsman not a gopher, he used to have a name!

Sclerosis...

He told me I was an image

out of his sweetest dreams,

and he begged me on his knees...

What did he beg me for?

What did he beg for?

What had he lost on the ground, that crazy man?

Sclerosis...

He held me tight and promised

feverishly to marry me.

I don't remember what happened next...

But something happened...

Something happened.

Did he marry me in the end or not?

I forget... Sclerosis...

Pardon my sclerosis.

- I beg your pardon, Mrs... - Mrs Bikely, my dear.

But Mr Jerome asked for supper

without telling me that he was expecting ladies.

That Jerome of yours is hare-brained.

- He's always fooling around. - You are impossible!

- Mrs Poppets. - Yes, sir?

I should introduce Mrs Poppets to you.

I'd feel like a lonely orphan if it weren't for her care.

How many persons should lay the table for, Mr Orphan?

I think it will suffice to lay the table for three.

But I can't see your visitors.

They will show up shortly.

- He's such a day-dreamer! - Bring it in, Mrs Poppets.

In a moment, Mr Jerome.

You shouldn't lie to an old lady.

Well, I will have to make something up.

Alright.

My dear Miss Fancy, it's time to get to work.

It's so rainy and misty outside,

that even here, in this room, where the fireplace is crackling,

one feels forgotten and lonely.

Three old loyal and kind friends,

that's what a man needs on a night like this.

Well, I'm here, sir. At your service.

This is Harris.

I wish you could hear how he sings comic songs.

But that's not his specialty.

On top of everything else he is a walking London guide.

You're quite right, pal.

I know quite a few spots where you can find some excellent nectar.

And this is my old friend George.

He's great at cooking and eating whatever there's to eat.

His Irish stew is outstanding.

But he can tell about himself much better.

That's very true.

And this is our common friend and a favourite, Montmorency.

Well, like all regular dogs he can't stand cats.

You are about to see it for yourself.

Take a look!

Montmorency.

Do you see what it does to him?

Very well, my dear Miss Fancy.

Good enough for a start. There are three of us.

Pardon, to say nothing of the dog.

THREE HOPELESSLY DISABLED PERSONS

Gentlemen, let me tell you a secret.

Lately, I've been reading nothing but this book.

- What is it? - This is a Medical Encyclopedia.

Well, comparing description of various illnesses with my health,

I came to the conclusion that I have them all.

From St. Vitus's Dance to the intestinal colic.

- How is it possible? - For example. Let's see.

George. Letter D. Diphtheritis. Here you go.

- Not during the meal, probably? - No, that's the point.

The eyes are diphtheritic, George, definitely diphtheritic.

I can't see anything, you've got a steak in there. Swallow it.

It's my tongue.

That's right, during diphtheritis

the tongue looks like a steak. Go on.

Well. And the pulse?

What about it? You can't swallow. Those are signs of diphtheritis.

Pulse? There's no pulse at all. It's diphtheritis for sure.

- Really? Looks like it. - Hold on.

Well, George, one thing is clear: you're almost dead. Cheers!

Cheers!

- My dear friend Harris. - Yes.

It's even worse with you.

- Here - influenza. - Do I have influenza?

That too. - I have influenza.

Please, read it. Listen to him, George!

Influ... influn...

Right. Symptoms. Here we go.

Sluggish. Yes. Frequent. Well, not all the time.

And finally - liquid.

Do I really have influenza?

My friends.

We are all terminally ill.

- Friends, my heart aches. - Why is that?

- We all look terrible. - Terrible, quite terrible.

Montmorency, what illness is bothering you?

Montmorency is as old as we are but he is so full of energy.

Gentlemen, the only thing that can save us is

- action. - That's right, action.

Sports! Sports!

George, what's that? It's pudding.

- Sports or travels. - What do you suggest?

I suggest we find an isolated forgotten spot.

Far from the bustle of the world, some abandoned bay.

An eyrie on the cliffs of Time

where you can hardly hear the roar of the 19th century.

Sounds romantic but boring.

I can imagine those backwoods,

where we'll have to go to bed at 8 o'clock.

There's probably no "Sports digest".

Besides, one would have to run

10 miles to buy tobacco.

No, this is...

If you really want to get away from it all,

there's nothing better than sea-voyage.

- Sea sickness. Sea sickness. - Outside activities on the river.

Down with this fumy city, long live the nature!

- That's right. - By the way, as for the river...

that's probably a good idea.

I must explain myself.

My friends call me J,

so not to get you confused,

when I'm not wearing glasses, I'm Jerome Klapka Jerome.