Trash Fire

For as long as I can remember, I'd been waiting for my parents to die...

...so I could commit suicide without feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt.

And there they were...

...dead.

And I didn't have the guts to go through with it.

Florence?

Florence?

Florence!

I'm pouring my guts out and you fall asleep?

I did. How does that make you feel?

Angry.

Okay, you know how some old people are asked to stop driving?

It's not that most of them are incapable...

...it's just not particularly safe for them to be on the road.

I mean, that just about sums up how I feel about you as a psychiatrist.

It's time to throw in the towel.

I'm sensing a great deal of hostility coming from you.

Go fuck yourself, Florence.

You look nice.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Don't do this to me.

I told myself for the longest time you were actually gonna grow up.

- I can't... I can't do this, I'm gonna go. - Stop, okay, fine. Okay?

Don't go. I'll cut down on my drinking, whatever you want.

We've been together for three years, nothing's changed.

I need security in a relationship...

...and I don't get it from you anymore, Owen.

Excuse me, ma'am, pardon my reach.

Thank you.

What am I still doing here? You obviously don't care.

I don't even know what to say anymore.

Don't do that with your napkin. There are real people here.

I need a girlfriend, not a second mother.

I'm supposed to be sexually attracted to you...

...and right now you're not giving me much to work with.

Happy fucking anniversary.

Isabel!

Okay.

Hey.

You're such an asshole.

You fucked up last weekend. Our anniversary sucked...

...and then you have a seizure, and here I am taking care of you.

This looks pretty good.

Well, if it's not and you value your life, lie.

Can I at least get some salt?

- No. - Okay.

Hey, look on the bright side, at least I didn't shit myself this time.

Oh, God, really?

It was only a little.

What is a girl like you doing with a guy like me?

Working through my self-esteem issues before planning my escape.

Thank you.

Isabel, do you hear that? What is that?

Is that the smoke detector?

It's fine. That's just the sound it makes when the battery's low.

It makes a different beep when it's smoke.

Owen, just take the battery out.

I think I'm having a panic attack.

- Hi. - Hi.

Sorry, we're late. We didn't get a lot of sleep last night.

I'm a little short for time, so I took the liberty of ordering for the three of us.

You're gonna love that French toast. You mind if I say a prayer before we eat?

Give me your hand.

Dear God, thank you for this time with my lovely sister...

...and her off-again, on-again boyfriend.

Please bless us and these gifts which we are about to receive from Thy bounty...

...through Christ, our Lord. Amen.

- Do you mind if I say a few words? - Please do.

Dark Lord of the Abyss, we wish to become one...

That's not funny. That's not funny.

No one's laughing, because it's not funny.

So, Mom and Dad tell me you're doing really well.

Congratulations on the promotion at work.

It's actually not a promotion, it's just a pay raise, but thank you.

Well, you know what, at any rate, I'm happy for you.

We're all so proud of you and your little achievements.

- Everyone back home sends their best. - Well, I miss everybody.

I talk to Mom and Dad on the phone pretty much every day, but it's not the same.

I hope to come and visit you guys soon.

We would absolutely love that. I hope you do that.

- Please make that happen. - Yes.

And I trust you're looking after my sister, as best you're capable?

You know, Owen, I'd be lying...

...if I said that I'd pick you as the ideal mate for Isabel...

...but if you're going to continue this courtship...

...you should look into making an honest woman out of her.

I'm not taking relationship advice from a beige earthworm.

It was really nice seeing you.

I'll be back in town on business shortly.

I hope we can get together again, just the two of us.

I love you, Caleb.

- I love you. - Love you.

Hey. I know that family is a touchy subject for you...

...and maybe you feel like you don't have one...

...but if you could make more of an effort with mine, that would mean a lot to me.

Your family hates me.

They don't hate you. They just don't know you.

All they know is what Caleb tells them and you treat him like garbage.

He's a self-righteous prick.

You're both full of shit.

You know what? You're right.

I'm gonna make more of an effort.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

I love you, and I owe you at least that much.

Thank you, Owen.

What do you say we celebrate my newfound transformation with a little sex?

I'm gonna have to pretend it was another man's penis inside me.

I'm okay with that.

Okay.

What's going on? It normally doesn't take you this long.

- It's been like 30 seconds. - I know, is everything okay?

Maybe it's your complete lack of enthusiasm.

Well, your balls smell real bad.

I wanted to keep us in the moment.

Just take a shower next time.

You know what, I'm gonna go jerk off in the bathroom.

Don't use the towels.

What's wrong?

Nothing, it's just nerves.

Do you want me to take you home? We can always reschedule.

- No, you're not getting out of this. - Okay.

I'm fine.

- Hello. - Hello.

Uh, Florence, I'd like to start off by apologizing...

...for telling you to find a new line of work at our one-on-one session the other day.

You seemed caught off-guard to find out that you're terrible at your job...

- ...and I honestly thought you knew. - Don't talk to Florence like that.

She fell asleep at our session.

Yeah, I'd fall asleep too, if I had to listen to you talk for an hour straight.

You know, I'm beginning to feel like my relationship with both of you...

...is becoming equally unhealthy.

Well, let's get back on track, shall we?

Isabel, you voiced a concern about Owen's drinking.

- Do you still have an issue with that? - No.

Because I told him I'd cut his dick off, and he knew that, and I meant it.

She did tell me she'd cut off my dick...

...and I did know it, but I wasn't particularly concerned on account...

...of the fact that I don't use it for much except pissing.

In fact, I'd love to see it go...

...because all I do is look at it every day and it reminds me of better times.

Now when I brought up your dick, it wasn't my intention...

...for you to just run with it as a topic of conversation.

You know, gay guys get excited about dick.

It's celebrated and sought after in their community.

You show a picture of a dick to a woman, watch her cringe.

What are you saying, you're gay now?

I'm saying, I wish I was. I wish I was.

It's not dick that makes women cringe, it's specifically your dick.

Threatening Owen isn't going to help him with his drinking problem.

- I don't have a drinking problem. - Yes, you do...

...and all your idiotic friends just encourage it.

Okay, so I'm a substance abuser with an ugly dick...

...who's mentally ill-equipped to stand up to peer pressure and you're dating me.

Sometimes you don't choose who you fall in love with.

All right, one drink here, one drink at dinner, okay?

It's gonna take more than two drinks for me to become detached enough...

...to make it through dinner with your friends.

What do you mean "my friends?" Sheldon and Mimi are our friends.

- Keep telling yourself that. - What, come on, you and Sheldon are cool.

Sheldon and I do not have a friendship, we have an understanding.

I'm going to give you a chance to stop right now...

...before you piss me off enough to a point there's turning back.

It has become painfully obvious to Sheldon and myself...

...that we're going to have to interact on a monthly basis...

...so we let you two do most of the talking...

...we reduce our conversation to banal pleasantries...

...and everybody comes out unscathed.

I've spent countless evenings with the guy, I can't tell you what he does for a living.

He's a paralegal. A paralegal, okay?

You asked him that three times last time we hung out. It was embarrassing.

I can't wrap my head around why it's so important for you that I like your friends.

Isn't it enough that I hang out with them?

I hate you sometimes. I really do.

Let's go, we're already late.

Yeah, great.

So what's going on with you guys? Tell me, what's up?

Yeah, um... uh...

My father is in the advanced stages of Alzheimer's.

- Oh. - Yeah, it's a terrible disease.

It's been really tough, but all my time's been spent going back and forth...

...between our house and the nursing home and Sheldon's been really busy with work.

Oh, yeah. What is it that you do again?

- You gotta be kidding me, bro. - Some sort of lawyer?

- I'm a paralegal. - Yeah, that's right, fascinating.

- I'm really sorry to hear about your father. - Yeah, it's been really hard.

- You need anything, let me know. - I know, you're the best. I know, thank you.

Owen, forgive me if I'm... I don't know, if it's a touchy subject...

...but I've never heard you bring up your family in conversation.

My parents died in a fire.

- Oh. - His... his sister survived.

She lives with my crazy grandmother.

That's awful. I'm so sorry. Have you kept in touch with your sister at all?

Nah. Pretty sure she hates me.

I'm trying to convince him to, you know, reach out to her.

Too much guilt, honey.

So long as we're on the subject of guilt, you know...

...I don't get why they have to put the caloric content on the menu.

You know, I was going to order a burger... but I just can't bring myself to do it?

I just feel bad about it.