Modern Family

Daddy, want to come throw with me?

- Oh, I'm actually in the middle of... - Not you.

- Okay. - Oh, uh, yeah, but just for a bit

while, uh, Gloria and Joe

go through some of your old toys in the garage.

- I'll fly there. - Mm-hmm.

Okay, vamanos!

Kid loves that cape.

So, I see your stance on sons wearing accessories has evolved.

The cape gives him superpowers.

What did leg warmers give you?

Flair. They gave me flair.

Leave me alone, okay?

Everybody, leave me alone.

Hey! What's all that?

I just... I'm sorry. I just need a night away.

- Here. Want to help? - I don't do that.

Okay.

It's just... it's been a lot recently,

you know, coming off of a really long trial,

Cam's spring cleaning frenzy,

hauling Lily all over for softball,

pretending to care about softball.

Oh, I get needing time away.

I was married to your mother.

Like you are now.

I have it all planned out.

I drive to the desert.

I check into the Markham...

a few hours by the pool, massage,

then I head downstairs for a juicy steak frites,

just me and my book, which can't talk to me.

So do it.

Asking Cam to go away alone

is three weeks of wounded crazy

that I... I don't want to deal with right now.

Don't ask, tell. Isn't that what you fought for?

Okay, I don't know what to address first.

Uh, Jay, Gloria's ready to go.

All right. Take it easy.

You have a good one, too... Mrs. Tucker.

Why'd he call you Mrs. Tucker?

Why does he wear those boxy jeans? I don't know.

No, seriously. W-Why is he messing with you?

All right, yeah, what the hell.

Um, I told him how I would love to go

to the desert for a night.

- Okay, yeah. Fun. Let's go! - Hold, please.

How I would love to go to the desert for a night alone.

- I don't care. - All right.

If you want to go alone, go alone. I don't care.

Oh, see, you said "I don't care" twice.

Because that's how much I don't care.

Why are you still here?

Cam, don't be hurt. I'm not running from you.

- Here. - And I'm not folding that.

I just wanted a night alone, okay?

Lily's going to that sleepover tonight.

- It seemed like a good night to do it. - So, go!

You know, I don't love the implication

that I'm so needy I can't spend one night by myself.

I didn't say that.

You didn't not say that.

And you're not not being needy.

Well, to show you how not needy I am,

I... will pack your bag for you.

It's already packed?

Oh, yeah, well, this is the third time

I've tried asking you.

Bye. I love you. Okay.

*MODERN FAMILY* Season 08 Episode 21 "Alone Time"

- Oh, hello, Claire. - Hi, honey.

I just got back from the most beaut... Oh!

Oh, indeed.

Welcome to your pre-recorded seduction.

Mama likes!

Papa knows.

That's right.

I know my wife so well, I was able to anticipate

her questions before she asked them.

Well, this is kind of fun.

The sexiest?

I don't know. The world's a pretty big place.

Help yourself to a glass of wine, my love.

Oh, it's kind of early in the day,

but how often do we get the house completely to ourselves?

Easy, thirsty!

I've got plans for you.

Hint... this won't be the last time

you see me on a sheet today.

Now you.

Well, I guess your beautiful lunch will have to wait.

Someone's here! No, Claire!

- What? - Yes, Claire.

Show me those pretty feet.

- How do you turn this thing off? - The sheet said yes.

You know what's not real conducive to studying?

100 nerds crying in every different Asian language!

You knew finals were coming, people.

Calm the hell down!

Oh, good. You're here.

Do we have any corn?

What is happening? Are those chickens?

Epic senior prank.

Don't make it too epic.

- How will you top it next year? - Get them out. Get them out.

- Now, now, now. - I need to grab something upstairs.

Oh, God. Come on, guys.

The door!

What is going on?

Guess who I found driving through the neighborhood

who insisted on stopping over to say hi

with his new wife and her kids!

It was me! Dylan.

- You know, from before? - Yeah.

Mr. and Mrs. D, this is my wife,

Dr. Elaine Kolchuck.

Doctor?

Yeah, I don't know why he does that.

And these are my beauties, Betty and Janice.

Mm-hmm. - And this is my son Douglas.

Your son.

That's not weird.

Anyway, I just wanted to pick

something up that I left here.

Bam!

Oh, wait. Uh...

Bam! Your dad did that.

Yellow's the hardest side.

Ah.

What was that sound? What happened?

Broke the banister. I'll fix it!

What's this thing?

- No! No! - Oh!

- Oh, no! - And now...

- No, no, no, no! - A treat for you.

No! No!

No!

- "Rescue Me." - What?

That was the name of the TV show

I couldn't remember at dinner last week.

Come on. Let's pop it in.

No. It's a bad time, Cam.

Turns out, it wasn't the allergies.

I feel terrible.

You shouldn't be close to me. I don't want to get you sick.

Oh, gosh. No danger of that.

I have the immune system of a horse.

When I was a kid, I needed a transfusion,

and there was a mix-up with the vials.

I've contacted Marvel Comics repeatedly,

but they don't seem interested.

Come on. I'll make you some chicken soup.

Manny! Hey, hey!

And who is this?

Cam, this is Sierra, my...

Gosh, what would you call us at this point?

Teacher-assigned study partners.

As you can see, I've got a lot of work to do, so...

Yeah, we only have another half-hour.

I promised my dad I'd get an oil change.

- Oh, well, Manny can do that. - Really?

Yeah! Pull your car into the garage.

Just be careful not to hit his weight set

or his power tools.

Wow. That would be awesome.

Cam, I know you're trying to help, but stop.

I'm clueless about cars,

and I really don't want her hitting Mom's weight set.

I'm gonna talk you through it.

Okay, missy, whatever you're working on over here,

- let me take over. - No, no, no. You can't.

This is my Abuela's special fever cure.

Please hand me the dried scorpion.

You're gonna eat this?

No, don't be stupid.

I am gonna wrap it in a rag

and I am gonna let it soak into my head.

Okay. You know what?

Let's get you to bed, and I will bring it to you.

- I can follow a recipe. Go on. - No, no, no. It's...

- Go on. - Be careful.

All right. Ground chicken beak.

Mashed crickets.

Ew! Cilantro? Ugh.

I'll grab your room key. Restroom's over there.

Thank you so much. I just drove the whole way.

I had a huge iced tea, and...

What am I doing? You know why people pee. Okay.

Hey, Colin. Might have been hasty turning down that site map.

I've walked into the same Bar Mitzvah twice now.

Hey!

- Whatcha doing here? - Me?

- Mm-hmm. - You said Cam wouldn't let you come.

I thought it was safe.

Safe to what, steal my special day?

Well, you made it sound so good!

The pool, the steak, no one to talk to.

Well, now we have someone to talk to. Thanks a lot.

Look, the place is gigantic.