The Letdown

- How ya goin'? - Hi.

Had a good night?

Yep.

- You goin' out, or...? - What?

What can I get ya?

What?

You buying? Yeah?

S-sorry?

You buying? Yeah?

Drugs? No!

Okay, if you're not buying, get off my spot.

So... oh, sorry, I would but, um, I've just got her to sleep, so...

- Oh. - She's a really light sleeper.

If I turn on the engine, she'll wake up.

Oh, right. Not my problem. Skitch 'em! Skitch 'em!

- Why can't you just...? - Why can't I just?

- Why can't you just?! - Shh!

Oh, fine. What, um...

- All right, I'll buy something. - Okay.

What do... uh, what's your cheapest drug?

Fitty.

- Oh. What is it? - Shard.

It's the good stuff.

- Is that ice? - Yeah.

Jeez, I don't want ice!

- No? - There's an epidemic!

- Yeah. - Did you see Four Corners?

Oh, my God!

There was a guy in emergency masturbating for 18 hours.

Had to put him in an isolation cubicle.

- Okay, move your car. - Shh!

What else have you got? Have you got, oh, I don't know, coke?

- I remember that. - Four hungy.

Jesus Chr...! When did that happen?

Hey? Move your car! Move it, baby!

- Shhh! - Time to go!

- Yep! - Stop it. Can you just...? Just...

Can you just roll, like, roll me over...

- Can you just roll me over there? - Hey?

- Roll me over there. - Yep, twenty.

- For a push? - Yep. Come on.

All right. All right, all right, all right!

Well, it's been 12 weeks.

Here you are.

Novelty worn off?

The choices that you make now really matter.

Oh, fuck!

Shh, shh, shh.

You're not number one anymore.

And there's no point whinging about what you've lost.

Do you think if I have the kale and the spinach...?

Muscle tone. Sleep. Your freedom.

Decaf and a double shot latte for you.

Oh, what I wouldn't give for a real coffee!

Obviously not breastfeeding, then?

No, it didn't work out.

Let's look instead at what you've gained.

Rounder bottoms. Stretch marks. Adult acne. Haemorrhoids.

Shit!

And a small, helpless child.

This is motherhood.

You're all in this together.

No, prams can stay outside the building.

Oh, it's okay, I think I've got it.

Prams... can stay... outside the building... please.

Audrey, is it?

You're late. Welcome to mo... parents' group.

We'll just wait for her.

I just knew that this one was in a hurry.

So I got into the perfect position, of course.

Go get Dad, darlin'!

Aisle 17!

And, um, here she is!

Princess Kate!

Neil has a hopeless obsession with the duchess.

- Do you know...? - Ah, thank you, Barbara. Next.

Ah, hello. Mrs Sophie Frances-Cohen.

Sorry! I still get a buzz saying that.

Um, I had the most beautiful room at the Royal Women's Private.

My OB said it was a textbook birth in the end

and this is Eugenia Cohen.

Ester! Ester, who's that?

This is my husband, Ruben.

- Hey, gang! - Hello, Ruben.

This one's got a bit of a throat tickle,

so I thought it best to stay away.

Uh... next?

Ooh! Hi!

I'm Martha.

Oh, and this is Teddy.

It's, uh, Theodore.

Uh, well, mine definitely wasn't textbook.

Posterior, 36-hour delivery,

forceps, ventouse,

fourth-degree tear.

And I'm that one in 200...

The epidural pierced my spinal fluid.

No, no, no, but it... it's all fixed now.

Remarkable healing powers, the anus.

How's the fissure? Any further tearing?

No. All good now, thank you.

We've actually found some, uh, like,

a natural laxative and some soft toilet paper really help with, uh,

Ester's haemorrhoids.

Audrey.

Haemorrhoids? Well, ugh.

Your story.

Sorry. Um, hi, I'm Audrey and this is Stevie, um, named after my dad.

Oh, he's so sweet!

It's a girl. It's a she.

Named Stephen?

- Just Stevie. - Like Stevie Nicks! Brilliant!

Your birth?

Oh, sorry, that, uh, fine, thank you.

Audrey, we're here to share.

C-section, in the end.

Uh, not too posh to push.

I didn't... I didn't elect it.

And, uh, Ester?

Oh, Ester was simply magnificent.

She was so calm.

- Shh. - Yes, Ester?

What's the wi-fi password?

Ah, that's actually just for staff.

- Is it? - Yes.

What's the wi-fi password?

Let's see. Name, Ava Rose.

No story. I, uh, consulted a names book and that's the name I decided.

Uh, birth, C-section.

I did elect, and it ran like clockwork.

Sorry, Ester, I didn't mean to...

Nah, I'm pro-choice.

Abortions, too.

But I... I just didn't get to choose the caesarean.

Not the abortion, obviously.

Choosing a caesarean doesn't make it right.

I thought we agreed on no judgements.

Yeah. Audrey.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't...

Just in my experience, the chaos of surgery was... awful.

- As opposed to...? - God, no. That's horrific!

Shit, sorry, Marta.

- Martha. - Martha. Brain's still asleep.

What's not necessary is mothers judging other mothers.

Okay. Sorry.

Thank you.

And, lastly, Jenna. Your little boy's name?

Oh, we... we don't believe in branding or defining his/her gender.

We'll wait for him/her to reveal his/her name.

The Department of Human Services will reveal it in two months,

so you might want to hurry along.

You might get something shit like Rupert.

- Or Stewart. - Or Neil!

That's my husband's name!

Yes, it is. Sorry.

Um, and Herb and I were consciously aware

of making that transition from womb to world

as graceful and peaceful as possible.

Oh, dear.

Pass me the strainer.

Another poo?

Audrey, no. No, no, no, no, no!

She needs the whole areola.

- Pull her off. Let's start again. - It's okay, I know how to do it.

She's just being a bit, um... a bit...

Look, here is a breast that should have been drained hours ago.

Just imagine, Audrey, trying to suck the milk from a coconut!

Oh, she does look hungry! Is that a hungry face?

You know, when I'm engorged, I just have a 2-minute pump.

I don't actually express.

Then how do you know that she's getting her 60ml with each feed?

Oh, you must be exhausted, darling. You've never done the pump and dump?

The what?

If you drink alcohol, some women pump and dump,

dispose of the milk.

Or what's done in my house, pump the milk, dump the baby.

Maybe she chooses not to express.

Wow, what a luxury. Try looking after a baby and 20 staff.

- Was that a judgement? - Maybe she doesn't have a pump.

I've got several. I'd happily lend you a pump.

You don't need pumps, though, girls.

I mean, there's nothing wrong with the manual option, okay?

- Don't touch my boob! - Barbara!

This is just... this is... well, it's unhygienic for one.

Look, I, um, I'm actually doing really well.

I've got a great support team so I... I'm okay.

I don't really think I need, um, this sort of thing,

so I might just go now, if that's okay, thank you.

We'll see you next week!

- She won't be coming back. - There's always one.

Thank you. And, yes, I am fucking exhausted.

La-la-la-la-la!

Hi! Daddy's home!

Hi! You're back.

- How's my baby? - Oh, a bit shit, actually.

I went to that mother's group thing this morning and...

- Oh, you meant Stevie? - No.

Um, you're both my babies.

Did you make some new friends?

Friends? Why would I need new... Yes, I'm wearing my pyjama pants.