Modern Family

Can I have that dropped at the gift table for you?

Ah, I think I'll hang onto this. This is a special gift.

It's a wine fridge... 36 bottles, stainless steel,

dual temp zones for your whites, your reds.

She doesn't care. Okay. And neither did the priest.

Father o'godhe'shot.

- I know. Those lips, right? - Hey, hey, hey.

Is that appropriate? - Appropriate?

You never carried us around as proudly

as you're carrying around that thing.

30 years ago, I didn't do your aunt Becky's closets for free.

The whole family got together and decided I was cheap...

Called me "high pockets."

Well, we'll see what her boy Brian says

when he opens what esquire magazine called

"the last under-counter wine fridge you'll ever need."

Wow.

High pockets.

Can we just find the bar?

How funny would it be if I said no?

Mother of... Us.

Mom! What is she doing here?

She's not even related to these people!

Oh, my god.

You, me, mom, dad, alone.

Without Gloria to absorb the hate.

Okay, why am I scared? I'm feeling scared.

Because you are flashing back to every family event

that ended with dad whisper-screaming at mom,

"would you calm down?" While she would swing her pocketbook

around until it burst open like a pill-packed piñata.

Oh, god. I-i don't want to be the make-a-scene family. Again.

Well, dad's not leaving until they award him CNN hero

for bringing the wine fridge,

so maybe we just each take a parent

and try and keep them apart as much as possible?

Probably our best shot at an uneventful day.

But can we please not fight over who has to care of...

Mom!

- Mitchell! - Hey!

Hi.

Oh, it's so good to see you, honey. Mm!

Captions by vitac...

Hey. I got us a campus map, and look at this...

My old college frat has a chapter here!

By legacy rights, I'm entitled

to use the main-floor bathroom and sign out a frisbee.

Cool.

Wow, you're really giving those bands a workout.

Oh, just burning off some nervous energy.

They don't ask questions on a college tour, right?

Luke and I, Gloria, and Manny are going on a college tour!

Safety school for Manny, long shot for Luke,

which hasn't been great for his self-esteem.

Luckily, as a former cheerleader,

I haven't lost my gift for lifting spirits.

Though I can no longer make an n with my body.

Wow.

This is a great workout.

Ow! No!

Sorry, sorry! Guys, come look!

I did something very bad.

Manny is taking a nap,

So I put a pig-a-let in the bed!

Oh, my god.

Where'd you get that?

You remember those farmers that we met?

You'll be surprised what they'll do for a couple of big tips.

What did you hear?

Aah! Whoa! What is that?!

It's a pig-a-let!

Man, you should see your face!

Ohh, it licked my face! Why would you do this?

Aye, Manny, don't be so uptight!

I'm preparing you for college

so that you fit in and make some friends.

I took the idea from watching "the animal house,"

"the old school" movie...

College is about higher education, not pranks.

Nerd!

- There she is! - Hey, lady.

Yeah, I can't give you free stuff.

- Let's go. - Okay, take care.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Oh, my gosh. It's her.

Who?

The blonde over there in the cute jacket and fab shoes.

If that's who I think it is, we hate her so hard.

Last night, I was robbed. That's right.

There I was at Lily's dance recital,

breathlessly anticipating

my baby's first-ever ballet solo.

Okay, here it comes.

This moment is worth every cent of the $2,000 in lessons.

What?

Oh, my gosh. I can't see.

Didn't they say no filming?

Excuse me. Miss?

Did you just see that?

That horrid woman robbed me

of my proud daddy moment

and forced me to lie to my daughter.

"You danced beautifully, Lily!" But did she?

I have no idea!

Why didn't you smack her down last night?

With words, obviously.

Wait, can gays smack women?

No.

No! You know what,

I would have cussed her out last night,

except the selfish hag left the moment

her daughter's dance was over.

I hope there's no rule in here about causing a commotion.

To put it up on a sign because, you know, civilization.

Well, I answer to a higher law.

Hey! Get back here! You don't even know it's her.

You're basing this off of the back of the head

That may be how you recognize your old boyfriends, but...

Excuse me.

As much as I admire that and do intend on using it

on Mitchell without giving you any credit, there is a line.

So, mom, I didn't know that you would be, uh, be here.

Oh, well, I wasn't planning on it...

I haven't seen these people since the divorce...

Yeah. But then my new hubby had to work,

and I thought... "write a new story, dede."

Yeah!

So, are you here alone, or...?

You look great! This dress is beautiful!

Oh, thank you.

I found it in the trunk of a car I bought.

Oh. One second, mom.

Oh, this is cam texting.

The picture of the back of someone's head

and the words, "is this her?"

No idea what you are talking about.

Kissy face.

Oh!

Excuse me. Can we get a pic?

Honey! - Oh.

Dad, that's sweet.

Really?

If we get separated, there's a record.

Oh, god.

Hey, don't be mad.

Are you kidding?

She vanished, okay?

Those shoes she makes are soundless.

Oh, there you are!

Oh! Mwah!

- Okay. - Oh, well,

if it isn't my first family.

What a surprise, huh?

Yeah! I guess Brian invited me

because of that summer we took him in.

Remember when I caught you trying on Brian's underpants?

No, what even... Mom!

Oh, is it just the four of us? Yeah!

Yes, and where are you sitting, mom?

I can walk you back to your table.

In a minute. I'd like to visit a little.

I don't even know anyone at my table.

Well, Gloria's not here.

Oh, thank you, Jay.

Here. Let me, uh...

- The band's back together. - Yeah.

Would anyone care for some champagne?

- Oh, yeah. - I'd love some.

- Oh, you bet. Yeah. - Thank you.

I'll just take the tray.

Admission has gotten tougher.

Only about 4 out of 10 applicants get accepted.

Ugh.

You've beaten worse odds than that.

We forgot to get you vaccinated till you were 6.

The university boasts many noted graduates...

Research scientists, journalists,

and one pretty well-known playwright.

Wow. "Pretty well-known?"

Imagine how many cookies they could have sold

if they called them "pretty well-known Amos's."

Oh!

I tied your shoelaces together.

Mom, what's going on with you?

I am preparing you.

If you can't laugh at yourself, then you'll become a target.

College crazy time, man!

Excuse me, steffi?

My son Tim here developed a finance app

that caught the eye of some folks at jp Morgan,

so he'll need to keep that going along with school.

No problem.

Many students work while taking class.

- Excuse me, steffi? - What are you doing?

My son Lucas here is a recognized amateur trampolinist.

Dad!

I'm assuming you guys have a training facility

so he can continue his pursuits in the applied bouncing arts?

I'm not sure I'm understanding...

I think there's a small one in the daycare center.