Filth

People ask me, ''Carole, how do you and Bruce keep the spice in your marriage?''

Well, I tell them it's really simple.

I'm just the ultimate tease.

Me and Bruce, we're not that different.

We know what we want.

We know how to get it.

Like this promotion he's going for. We both know he'll win.

And when he does,

the Robertson household

is gonna be one big happy family again.

I kid you not.

-Jimmy! -(LAUGHS)

Whoo-hoo!

What did you just fucking call me?

Just g ve us your money, mate.

Fuck ng hurry up!

Fucking...

Scatter.

BRUCE Scotland.

This nation brought the world television, the steam engine, golf,

whisky, penicillin and, of course, the deep fried Mars bar.

It is great being Scottish. We're such a uniquely successful race.

And as my wlfe Carole always says,

"There"s no place like home.''

Nice one. Al right pal?

The games are always, repeat, aIways, being played

but nobody plays the games like me,

Detectlve Sergeant Bruce Robertson,

soon to be Detective lnspector Bruce Robertson.

You just have to be the best, and I usually am.

Same rules apply.

What the fuck>

Morning.

Right.

Our victim is a Japanese ma e

in his eary 20s Yes Peter?

Sorry, boss just a wee point.

Maybe we shouldn t stigmatise the guy by calling him a victm.

Poorwee chinky bastard's dead. Doesnae matterwhat you cal him now.

Care to share the joke wth us Dougie>

Dougie Gillman is your average Scottish copper.

Sixty years ago in the gIorious fucking Reich, you'd be turned into handbags!

At 5/1, Glllman poses a serious challenge to my promotion prospects.

So he, like the others, will have to be eIlminated,

starting with my main rival forthe inspector's job, Peter lnglis.

Inglis is what they caIl metrosexual...

'

...but what l call a fucking bufity. 2/1.

There was no positive ID,

but DS Lennox has been down at the murder scene.

BRUCE Ray Lennox, the department's rookie and resident junkie.

l love the chang!

Even though Lennox is more interested in trying to bang the office secretary

than any kind of career advancement, he'lI still have to be publicly humiliated.

20/1.

OfficiaI poI cy at the moment is...

Yes, Gus>

What is the party ine boss?

Gus Baln, bit of a long shot because he's not the sharpest tool in the box.

-l've got a new toothbrush, m ss! -(CHlLDREN LAUGHlNG)

But then, when dld a single-figure lQ hoId anybody back in the police force?

7/1.

... n accordance with the descrption which Detective Drummond

will presently hand out to you.

-Thanks Bob. ''Thanks, Bob.''

That arse-kissing Amanda Drummond

would suck Toal off right now if he promoted her.

Not that it wouId do herany good, of course,

because some sad wankerfrom uniform is gonna impregnate the wee slag

and that'll be herstint at playing Cagney and fucking Lacey well and truly over.

10/1.

The umb ical cord that connects the north and south...

Umbilical cord? The last time l looked it was a tunnel, you fucking clown.

Edinburgh's worst kept secret is that Chief lnspector Bob Toal here

has ambitions as a screenwriter.

lf that lazy, fat fuckerspent less time dreaming about Hollywood

and more time promoting me, then the streets would be safer foreverybody.

And they left him there lying l ke a p e of rubbish.

-Maybe he was rubbish. -What>

-To the assailants, of course. -(ALL MURMURlNG)

BRUCE Aye, that's it. Your docile chat might impress the boss,

but it doesn't impress my fucking hangover.

I have got news for this herd of donkeys.

There is onIy one horse can win this race and that horse is Bruce the Stallion Robertson.

Right crack on with it.

-Qu ck word, Bruce. -Yes, boss?

Th ngs are pretty stretched around here until we get the new Dl pos tion filled.

l want you to head up the case l'll be around, but l' be tied up with other stuff.

So, you'II effective y be acting inspector, wthout the remuneration of course.

All eave, unfortunate y, wil be cancelled,

but it'l stand you in good stead forthe promotion

because you'll have the other contenders under you.

There's really nothing more seductive to a woman than power.

So, when Bruce gets his promotion,

l won't be ab e to keep my hands off him.

Detective Inspector Robertson. (MOANS)

Even the sound of it makes me want him right now.

Are you not worried if you bugger off to Hamburg

itll go against you for the promotion then?

-Promotion? -Aye.

What's the a ternative Ray?

l give up my holidays for some murdered Jap, kamikaze, sush -eatng, karaoke bastard>

No chance.

Wel , you do have a very understanding wife in Carole Robbo.

Aye. Aye, that l do.

-l wish l had somebody like that. -l bet you do, Ray. l bet you do

Te you what, we'll have to get you anotherthreesome organ sed

with that wee skanky dealer s bird, won't we? Do you rememberthat>

Lennox hates to be reminded of the time we went tag team on that thing.

Have you even started yet, baby cock?

Everybody has got an Achilles'heel

and l make a point in remembering my associates'ones.

You were like an animal Ray.

Oh here we go. Here comes the schem e wee bastard now.

Jesus Christ, Iook at the face on that wee Iassie.

That's a stoat-the-baw s tuation if ever I saw one.

That's a curvy ittle arse, though, mind.

Never you mind the curvy ttle arse on it Ray.

-lt's a bit fucking young, no? -Ah, she's borderline, man Come on.

-Borderline? -Aye

Do you ike wee lassies, Ray? Are you into baldy fanny?

Borderine is it>

40 sheets at 5l1. Come on. 5l1?

Ah, no, maybe you re right. You re right enough, man.

You have got absolutely no bott e, Ray.

That s exacty why the Lennoxes of this world wiII never oust the Robertsons.

l k d you not, my sweet, sweet friend. Come on!

-R ght then what's the script? -The Beast routine

-lt's a b t full-on Robbo, no? -You steam right in.

lt's the only language these schemies understand, OK? Come here

l want you to show this bastard who the hardest firm in this city really s, OK>

Nobody... Nobody steams in like the Ed nburgh polis.

-Go -Right.

Wait two seconds. Hell be firing nto her and we' I catch the stoat n action.

-Anothertoot for good luck? -l'm on duty.

Aye.

For Gods sake, I'm coming!

-Who the fuck are you two? -Jehovah's fucking Witnesses.

Keep yourfucking mouth shut. You hear me?

You speak when you're fucking spoken to. You get it>

-l said do you fucking get it? -Aye aye aye!

-Get the fuck out! -Oh, a ady.

How o d are you then, madam?

My father's a very well respected awyer, you know.

What does that make me then>

Very good. How o d are we?

-Sixteen. -lD?

No you don t.

Please note, female s below the legal age of consent

Stephanie DonaIdson.

No re ation to Conrad Dona dson QC by any chance, are we?

Bingo.

lmag ne what your daddy would say.

Please don t say anything.

What's it worth, Stephanie> A gam>

Can you imagine what his posh paIs wouId say

if they found out that his wee princess was riding a l the low- ife scum

he gets paid fortunes forto keep out the nick?

Do you want to do that to h m?

Fucking he I! Jesus Chrst!

Who taught you that technique? A fuck ng cheesegrater>

I've got a good mind to tel your daddy now anyway afterthat poor excuse of an attempt.

Please, don t. That's not fucking fair!

$ Stoat-the-baw, stoat-the-baw, stoat-the-baw

$ Stoat-the-baw, stoat-the-baw, stoat-the-baw $

-She toId me she was 18. -Oh, dearie dearie me

lt's not the best time to be ins de for rd ng k ds is it?

l make you rght. Still, he's on y gonna do six months.

-Ah, posh fanny, though. -Fair enough. Two years then.

Problem s if some law-abiding officers were to te I a strict

-Freemason screw like Ronnie McArthur... -Ronnie McArthur.

-...that the g r n question was 1 1 or 10... -Or even eight.

-Hey, come on, now, boys, eh? -Aye, eight would do t.

Then the poor cunt's ife wouldn t be worth iving, would it>

-Stra ght to the Beast's wing in Saughton nick. -Aye, but hang on a m nute.

Suppose th s stoat-the-baw had certain information

that could help the law-abid ng officers.

-Wth a murder enquiry. -Ah, fuck sake.

Nah, l m not a grasser.

Right, see, Ocky, theres this one guy in the Beast's w ng that they call The Beast.

-The Beast> -No, no, no, no, not the Beast.

-The .. -...Beast.

ShouIdn't reaIIy be nside a normaI prison, to be fair

No but the last t me he escaped from a mental insttution

the local lvestock bore the brunt of his frustrations.

-Fucked a H gh and cow to death so they say. -Tore the horns clean off the poor bastard

Ronnie says the on y way they can keep The Beast quiet

s by putting a new model in his cell every few weeks.

-A model? -Aye.

That's what Ronnie and all the boys ca l the fresh-faced laddies they send h m.

-Supposed to be a big fuckeras weII. -Fuck off

You get your fuck ng hands off him and you stand up straight.

6'4'', ful of musce and deaf as a post.

Whats deaf got to do with it?

Cos he cant hearyou when you're scream ng no' .

-Hung ke a Derby winner, so Ronnie says. -Aye

SpIits them aI first time wthout faiI.

One things certain, you'd come out of there with f ve new arseholies pal.