Flypaper

Make it quick, honey. We're closing.

Well, this is unacceptable.

Because I booked it yesterday.

Yes, a one-hour sunset bliss massage with Tanya.

No, it has to be Tanya.

I need to know that this bank is secure.

Just trust me. I've upgraded dozens of banks.

-it'll be fine. -I don't need fine. I need guarantees.

Gordon, you've got them.

It's a security upgrade, not the end of the world.

I swear, Kaitlin, if he keeps me late again and I miss Cougar Town,

I am gonna burn this place to the ground.

Oh, I hear you, hon. We've all got plans.

Mr Sullivan, it's always a pleasure to see you.

Look, I scheduled this massage a month ago.

No, I need Tanya. Her hands are like little jackhammers

Well, who can I get?

Jonathan? Well, does he have strong hands?

Hello!

Ooh! Come to mama.

Mmm. Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, oh, oh.

Son of a bitch.

-How may I help you today, sir? -Change for a hundred.

Absolutely. How would you like it broken?

Seven nickels, 31 quarters and 919 dimes.

What?

Oh, you're right, that's too many dimes.

I'm gonna do 107 nickels,

839 dimes, 29 quarters

and seven half-dollar pieces, please.

Is that Chile?

Brazil.

You know what? I'm never gonna use the half-dollar pieces.

Can I get 101 nickels, 157 quarters and 557 dimes, please?

-Is this a joke? -No. I just have this thing for coins.

I like their weight, I like their size, I like the way they jingle in my pocket.

-That's kind of weird. -What is?

The numbers you mentioned, 101, 157, 557. They're all prime numbers.

No one's ever noticed that before.

I work with numbers all day.

You do that in your head?

Yes. Good trick at Math parties.

-I bet. -What's your name?

-Kaitlin. -Kaitlin. I am Tripp.

-It's very nice to meet you. -Oh, hi, we don't actually, um,

-shake hands with customers. -Oh, right.

Cell phone scramblers live.

When are you getting married?

How do you know I'm getting married?

Oh, my wedding gifts.

That's also quite a rock. Are you marrying Jay-Z or somebody?

My fiancé's well off, yes.

Well off? They're getting married in Brunei in two days.

My husband won't even take me to the Sizzler.

Oh, he's rich. But is he happy?

We're extremely happy. How kind of you to ask.

Check Darrien.

Check Weinstein.

Check Gates.

All right, we're live. Go weapons hot.

Yeah.

Breach the door. Go on, hit it with the clicker.

Go, go, go!

And one, two, three, four, five, six

and one makes seven.

Is there anything else I can do for you today, sir?

No, I'm good. Thank you.

Thanks for choosing Credit International. Have a great day.

-You're beeping. -What? Oh.

Yes, it reminds me to take my meds.

-Pharmacy around here? -Two blocks up.

Very nice meeting you, Kaitlin.

Nice to meet you, too, Tripp. Good luck with your whole thing.

-You're about to be robbed. -Huh?

What are you doing?

This is a robbery!

What the fuck do you think you're doing here?

What's it look like, man? We robbing the bank.

Yeah, ain't it sort of obvious with the guns and everything?

No. This is our job. Stand down.

I ain't see your name on the sign out there.

Unless your name is Credit.

And, you know, given all the weird names parents give their kids these days...

The alarm isn't working.

No cell phone reception either.

-What do we do? -Proceed as planned.

Stop the security update.

If I don't let the system reboot, the whole bank will lock down.

We know that. Just do it or I'll shoot you in the fucking face.

Now hold on, son. There's no...

-Do it! -Okay.

You have exactly three seconds to stand down or you will be fired upon!

Come on, dude, let's get out of here. There's lots of other ATMs.

-One... -On two, start banging away.

I heard that.

Two ,

three.

It's now or never, bro!

-He's not gonna make it. -Get down.

-What do you push for the intercom? -What?

Hello? Hello?

Hello? Look, I know you're in the middle of a gunfight,

but a bystander's been hit.

I just wanna check to make sure he's okay. Okay, I'm coming out.

Don't shoot!

Coming out! Don't shoot.

-I've got a clean shot. -So does everyone. Just stand down.

Just wait. Okay?

-This ever happen to you before? -Hell no.

He's dead.

Look, sometimes that happens in these crossfire situations.

Don't make a big production out of it, okay?

You're here for the vault, right?

Who the fuck is this guy?

And you guys said something about going after the ATMs?

Maybe.

So, then what's the problem?

Are you seriously suggesting that we rob the same bank?

Yeah. Why not?

Just pretend it's two different banks.

This guy's nuts.

Don't even tell me you're considering it.

Look, I rather not add any more murders to my rap sheet.

For fuck's sake, one of them wore shorts to a bank robbery. We gotta kill them.

I don't know. What do you think, old man?

I'm with you, D. I've had my fill of killing.

Why the fuck are we even carrying guns? Come on, I wanna shoot the motherfuckers!

The guns are for taking hostages. That was always part of the plan.

Now we just have two more hostages. Am I right, D?

So what's our plan?

If they wanna rob the bank together, we rob the bank together.

If they wanna kill us, we kill them first.

Cool plan.

All right, listen up.

We're gonna take the vault.

You two idiots want the ATMs, that's fine.

Just stay the fuck out of our way.

You got it, big city. Rooty-tooty.

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

What now? What are we supposed to do? What does he want?

You two, could you...

Does he want us to come over?

It's okay.

You, come here.

Watch him.

Give us a sec.

-You want to come? -Fuck off.

Put the guns down. Put the guns down.

All right, come here.

Let's introduce ourselves. There's no reason why we can't be friends.

I'm Peanut Butter. And this here's Jelly.

Those ain't our real names.

Jesus Christ.

We wanted something that goes good together,

and Milk 'N Cookies was already taken.

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

I want all the hostages out here now!

All right, everybody. Cell phones, pagers, fucking Twitter things.

Anything with an on/off switch.

Yeah. And guns, obviously.

Thank you for being a terrible bank guard.

Hey, guys, I gotta get out of here.

Of course you gotta get out of here. You're a fucking hostage.

Get in there!

Hey. Shut up and don't touch anything.

-Get away from the fucking door. -Can I...

-Stay away from the door. -All right!

Please don't kill me on the toilet.

Jesus Christ. It smells like an arsehole factory in here.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself, mate.

These guys are awesome.

Major league, baby.

Obviously on behalf of the bank, I'm just terribly sorry.

Okay, let me just amend that. We're terribly sorry.

-Rex, please. -Hey, everybody, I'm Rex Newbauer.

I'm a loan officer. And we're in luck.

Certified post-robbery counselor.

I've counseled over 75 bank-robbery survivors.

We're gonna make it here, gang.

Now, our primary objective is to become a cohesive unit.

Sir, may I help you, please?

Our primary goal is to get out of here alive.

Okay, well as an expert in standard bank robbery procedure...

There's nothing standard about this bank robbery.

We have two heists going on at the same time with a dead body,

which basically guarantees that the bank robbers

are gonna come in here and kill us all.

-What? -Don't tell me that, man.

That's some bullshit. I don't wanna die.

People, let's stay calm!

Okay. Now, this bank opens at 5:00 a.m.

By that time my colleagues and I will be long gone.

You're all locked in here, okay?

So, even if you were to get out of this kitchen,

you can't get out of the bank.

So sit down and shut up.

What if one of us has a condition that requires us to use the bathroom a lot?

Yes, there will be bathroom breaks. You will not try to escape.

You will not try to contact anyone outside of the bank.

You will not make noise.