How I Met Your Mother

Kids, on my first day as a college professor,

there were two things I didn't know that I wish I did.

The first thing was that your mother was in that classroom.

The second thing?

Well, to explain that, we have to go back to

the beginning of the summer,

when, after a year of wrestling with their feelings for each other,

Barney and Robin finally, well...

Whoo!

Lily, volume. Use your indoor "whoo."

Sorry. (SOFTLY) Whoo.

It's just they kissed! They're finally a couple.

Oh, my God, you guys.

This is our first double date!

First of millions! What if our kids get married?

Oh, I love this!

Yeah.

Lily, listen.

Barney's awesome.

Robin's more than just awe "some." She's awe "quite a bit."

She's awe "a whole darn lot."

Wait, what are you saying?

We're just not feeling it right now,

but we'll totally still be friends.

Oh, yeah.

Is it something I did?

Oh, no. No, no, no. God, no. Lily, it's not you. It's us.

Yeah. It's us. You understand, right?

Sure, of course.

As long as you're happy, I'm happy.

We were gonna take cooking lessons together,

and we were gonna go on camping trips together,

and then we were gonna sit around telling funny stories

about our cooking lessons and our camping trips.

I know. I know.

So, has the boat sailed on sex tonight or...

After that, the summer went by way too fast.

Until, all of a sudden, it was the Friday before my first day as a college professor.

Whoa!

Oh, boy. What's this?

It's just a little something that we got for you

that used to belong to my favorite professor of all time.

A fedora. Mmm.

I'm Indiana Jones! I'm Indiana Jones!

That, my friend, is the Dominator 8000,

the best bullwhip on the market, according to my whip guy.

Yeah, I have a whip guy.

You know what we should do? We should...

Finish our drinks, go out in the alley and whip stuff.

God, you just get me.

Okay, I should get going. I got a date.

Oh, you're still seeing that guy?

Even better, seeing him naked. What!

I should go, too. I hooked up with this Chinese girl last night,

and I don't know, it's weird.

I already feel like seconds.

Okay, Ted, you got first whip!

All right.

Hey, dummy. What did I tell you about smoking in here?

Make him whip the habit!

I'm so excited about this whip! I got whip fever!

Just whip him, Ted! Don't even aim! Just whip him!

I'm so sorry.

It's just the whip's not a toy, Ted.

There's such a thing as common sense, you know?

Hey, you can whip me if you want.

I will, some other time.

So, how long has this been going on?

All summer.

I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!

You guys are boyfriend and girlfriend.

Hey. Wait... Girlfriend? (STAMMERING) Wow...

Lily, slow your roll there, lily pad. Okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

You've been together all summer. I don't get it.

Okay, it's like this.

After we kissed, we sat down to have the talk.

We should figure out what this is.

Yes, we should.

Yeah. Or... Or...

Okay, now, we have to figure this out.

Yes, we do.

Or... Or...

We kept trying to have the talk and then we realized we hate the talk.

Yeah, the talk sucks. You have to, like, talk,

And be all, "I don't know. It's not that I don't like you."

"It's just that I haven't had a girlfriend in a really long time."

"I hope it doesn't make you mad."

Who needs it?

You "needs" it.

Guys, you can't just keep hooking up

and not at least try and figure out what you mean to each other.

Yeah, we knew you would say that.

That's why we kept it a secret.

Well, that and the fact that elaborate lies really turn us on.

No, no, no. No.

You need to define the relationship. You need to have the talk.

Or... Or...

I know what you're all thinking.

"Who's this cool peer of mine up in front of the class?"

Well, I know the board says "Professor Mosby," but to you,

I'm Ted.

Question. Awesome. Hit it.

Yeah, here's my question, Ted,

who the hell do you think you are?

Yeah, "Ted."

We're supposed to learn from you? You failed as an architect.

Well... And if you're a professor,

where's your hat and your whip?

They're at home. I...

And where are your pants?

Oh, God.

Barney, it was awful. I was teaching...

Shh! Ted, now's not a good time.

Where do you keep your condoms?

I am freaking out. I don't think I can do this.

Okay, look, mistake number one was taking that girl's question.

You don't take questions on the first day.

It shows weakness.

Mistake number two was you should've hit that.

Dude, your pants were already off,

you had a classroom full of people to cheer you on

and you can't knock her up 'cause it's a dream.

Class dismissed.

Mistake number three, dude, where was the hat?

Because if you're not going to wear it, I'm taking it back.

I think what Barney's saying is that definitions are important.

You're their teacher, not their friend.

Exactly.

If people don't know their place, nobody's happy.

Amen.

You have to make things clear.

Run, tell that!

Define the relationship.

Yes! No!

Lily, private convo time.

Lily, can't you just let us be happy?

You're not happy.

You just think you're happy because you feel happy.

And that's not happy?

Of course not.

You and Robin need to have the talk.

Why? Give me one good reason. I'll give you 20.

Wow, you can't even think of one.

Headlights. Deer.

Lily, for the last time,

things with me and Robin are as good as they can possibly be.

Hey, look, Brad's here.

I've got two tickets to the Rangers-Canucks game tomorrow night.

I know you're a hockey fan, so I was thinking...

What do I have to do? Put a gun to your head?

Buy you a six-pack? Come on, Brad, that's...

Wow, there's really six of them.

Uh, but I can't.

Why not? You have a boyfriend?

No. No, no boyfriend.

Great! It's a date.

Hey, Barn. Hey...

I just thought of a reason.

The next night, Robin and Brad went to a hockey game.

You're probably wondering why I've been quiet all night.

Um...

Damn it, Hordichuk! You miss another gimme like that,

I'm gonna come down there and put a slapper right up your beer hole!

Come on!

Not really.

The truth is, I feel kind of weird being out with you.

Oh, man.

Is this the talk? What?

No, this is good. Let's get it all out of the way.

Robin, I'm looking for something serious.

No, Brad, no, it's...

But before we go any further,

you should know something about my stuff below the belt.

I was born a little different.

God, no. Brad, no.

This is about me and Barney. You and...

Oh! So, you guys are...

Well, we don't know what we are.

I mean, my heart says, "Leap into it."

My brain says, "It's a bad idea."

Sounds like you guys need to have the talk.

We're not gonna have the talk!

Would you just have the talk, okay?

It's a five-minute conversation, and then you get to have sex afterwards.

It's great! Back me up, Ted.

I don't think the talk is necessary.

What?

Thank you, Ted.

Because Robin is already his girlfriend.

What?

MacLaren's Bar, four years ago.

How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend?

Simple, the rules for girls are the same as the rules for Gremlins.

Gremlins? Gremlins.

Rule number one, never get them wet.

In other words, don't let her take a shower at your place.

Number two, keep them away from sunlight,

i.e. don't ever see them during the day.

And rule number three, never feed them after midnight,