The Office

The Stamford branch is closing, and everybody's just packing up their stuff.

Andy Bernard made these tasteful hats.

That's the other thing you have to watch out... Yo, Tuna.

I wanna talk to you about this new boss, Michael Scott.

Yeah? So what's he like?

Likes, dislikes, favorite sports, favorite movies, favorite men's magazines.

You know what? I think you just need to meet him.

Playing your cards close to the vest. I get it.

Good luck over there, Tuna. Cross me and I will destroy you.

Sounds good, Andy.

This is gonna be an adventure. Yes, this is going to be very interesting.

All right, I'm out of here.

See you later? Bro.

Hey, is that Josh's computer? What?

Hey! Hey!

How'd the run go? Pretty good. I finished.

That's great. Yes.

Why is that great?

Because he accomplished something.

What was your mile time?

About seven.

I could beat that on a skateboard. Well, that has wheels.

Yeah, well, my feet don't, and I can still crush that time.

Really, Dwight? How fast are you?

Let's just put it this way.

Last weekend, I outran a black pepper snake.

Really?

I am fast.

To give you a reference point,

I'm somewhere between a snake and a mongoose.

And a panther.

Man, what is taking Toby so long?

Oh, I'll just time him later.

And you'll compare the times? Yeah.

Are you ready? Set, go! No, my groin's really tight, I can't...

Am I being mean to Dwight?

I don't know. I did just make him run around the building,

and I have no intention of timing him.

This isn't even a stopwatch. It's a digital thermometer.

He does make my life harder sometimes, and on purpose.

Like, he tried to put meters on the bathroom stalls

as a way of bringing in more money for the company.

Hey, three more laps to go!

You gotta pick it up if you're gonna beat Toby!

I should probably get back to work.

Here. Who's here? Nametag?

Yes, please. Karen Filippelli.

Karen...

Karen a-Filippelli! Probably Italian.

Possibly Filipina. Okay...

My branch is absorbing the Stamford branch.

Or as I like to put it, my family is doubling in size.

And that's all I'm gonna say about it,

because I have a gigantic performance ahead of me,

and I have to get into my head and focus.

Who's next? That's Andy Bernard.

Andy Bernard.

If I were you... St. Bernard.

...I would fire Anthony Gardner... What?

...before noon... I'm not...

...to consolidate power. I'm not firing somebody on the first day.

No, no, not somebody. Gardner!

The Japanese camp guards of World War II

always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived.

I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die.

I think I would have been good at choosing the person.

Good morning! Got the food, good!

Looky, looky, looky. What I want you to do...

Set it up in the conference room, please. Make it look nice,

as if you were trying to impress

a much older man who's way out of your league.

Okay.

Yes, I'm in a good mood today. I'm excited to meet all of the new people

and to see my old friend again, definitely.

That's always a thing that makes people happy,

to have an old friend back.

Hello?

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Our first arrival.

Welcome to Scranton.

This is Hannah Smoterich-Barr! Hannah Smoterich-Barr!

Welcome to our humble abode. Follow me to your desk.

Your ball-and-chain is right over here.

You know, a lot of these people, this is the only family they have.

So, as far as I'm concerned, this says, "World's Best Dad."

There he is!

Tony... What's your last name? Gardner.

Gardner! I knew that.

There you go, gift bag for you. Okay! Thanks.

Michael, I didn't get a gift bag.

Well, they're just for guests.

If there are any left over, you can buy one later.

My bag's mostly pencils.

Well, and coupons to various hot spots around Scranton. All right!

Let me show you to your area, sir.

Come on, big guy.

Can I have your pencils? No.

Hi! Hi.

I'm Pam. Karen. I love your sweater.

Oh, thanks. My mom made it for me.

Really? That's so cool. I've always wanted to learn

how to knit. Welcome, welcome, welcome!

Take me to your leader. Oh, wait, I am your leader.

Wait, are you a robot or a Martian?

I am actually your boss, Michael Scott.

Hi. Welcome.

Wow, you are very exotic-Iooking. Was your dad a GI, or...

I'll be the number-two guy here in Scranton in six weeks.

How? Name repetition, personality mirroring,

and never breaking off a handshake.

I'm always thinking one step ahead,

like a carpenter that makes stairs.

Hello.

You must be Andy Bernard. Aloha and welcome!

And you must be Michael Scott. Aloha and hello.

Very good. Welcome to our little kingdom.

We have a bag of nifty gifties for you.

Well, Michael, thank you for welcoming me to your little kingdom. Mike.

Nifty! They are nifty!

They're nifty gifties.

You know who I really like is this guy Andy Bernard.

He has got this very likeable way about him.

...which is why they need a passing game. Right?

No way! Get him out of here. We don't want any of this kind in here.

Good to see you, man! Wow, okay!

How are you? Martin Nash, I presume?

This is a little gift bag for you free of charge.

Follow me, I will show you where all the slaves work.

Not... So your desk is...

Hi, I'm Jim. I'm new here. Oh, my God, it's really you!

I was just doing a little joke there about how we'd never met.

I know, I don't care.

Awesome! Good to be back.

The place looks really good.

It's really good to see you. You, too.

Where do I stand with Pam?

No idea. I mean, we're friends.

Always have been friends. That is where we stand.

Well, well, well.

Look what the cat dragged in from Stamford.

Hey, Dwight. Fact.

I am older. I am wiser. Do not mess with me.

Okay, sounds good.

What are you doing? I don't know what you're talking about.

Do I have a smudge on my forehead? No, you look good.

Why are you looking at my forehead? I'm not.

Meet my eye line, Jim! I am.

Stop acting like an idiot! Okay.

Hey, buddy. Welcome back. Hey.

How are you, man? Good to see you. I'm good. How are you?

So...

Oh, I'm sorry, are you sitting here now?

Yeah.

Unless you really, really want it back.

You know, man, it's really your call. Cool, thank you.

Let me get that for you.

Got it?

This one taken? No? Good.

Yeah, Jim is a nice guy. That's why I got the desk.

Michael Scott, thank you. I appreciate it, Mike.

All right.

Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced.

Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.

Andy Bernard, Regional Director in Charge of Sales.

So you'll be reporting to me, then.

On the contrary.

My title has "manager" in it. And I'm a director.

Which, on a film set, is the highest title there is.

Do you know anything about film?

I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them.

Congratulations.

Hey, Toby.

Hey, Jim. How are you, man?

Oh, really good! I just wanted to say hi.

How are you? Hey, welcome back.

Oh, is that, like, your new thing, or...

No, I'm sorry, that's...

No, that's cool. No, it's nothing, we'll just...

All right. Good to be back. So...

Okay. All right.

All right. Sorry about that. No problem.

It was... What?

Nothing.

"I present the orientation video."

We need to talk. Not now.

Which is higher, Assistant Regional Manager,

or Regional Director in Charge of Sales?

I told you the titles are irrelevant. They just relate to pay scale.

Okay, so who gets paid more, me or Andy?

It is not a matter of more or less. Your pay is just different, okay?

All right! Showtime, part one.

Okay, who reports to who?

I don't care, Dwight! You all report to me. That's all that matters!

The rest of it just work out amongst yourselves, okay?

And then if I want... Work it out amongst yourselves, please!

I have a company to run. Will you let me run the company?

I... One... Will you? Please?

Jim! Kelly!

Oh, my God, I have so much to tell you! Really?

Yes. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, they had a baby and they named it Suri,

and then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie,