American Dad!

So, how much weed do you want to buy?

Buy? Aren't you gonna give me some?

Come on, we've been making out all night.

No. I'm a drug dealer.

I only make out with customers to make sure they're not cops.

Cops can't legally make out

with people they're not in love with.

Look, I don't have any money right now

'cause I recently became unemployed five years ago.

No job? What a loser.

You're what's wrong with this country.

Well, what's wrong with drugs is they go straight to your head.

I stayed under for five minutes, and I saved the bag of weed.

Winner, winner, weed for dinner!

Oh, Hayley, look at you. All-time low.

What? No, that's my best day in...

Oh, my God. A drug dealer called me a loser.

For the fourth time in three months.

This one feels like rock bottom.

It is.

But lucky for you, I'm working out a new persona.

Lavarr Crush, life coach.

What do you do when life gets you down?

Crush it.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Like I said, I'm working it out.

Arbuckle T. Boone, life coach.

Who'd you used to be with? Lavarr Crush?

Lavarr Crush is shit.

I went to life-coach school with him. He's a hack.

# Good morning, U.S.A. #

# I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day #

# the sun in the sky has a smile on his face #

# and he's shinin' a salute to the American race #

# oh, boy, it's swell to say #

# good -- # # Good morning, U.S.A. #

I'm always interested to know

how applicants hear about our company.

Well, it's, um, it's kind of embarrassing, but, um...

well...I have a life coach, and he said you were hiring.

That is embarrassing.

But we are hiring. And we only hire the best.

Hmm. You're not the best.

Sir, m-my résumé may be short on experience,

and it might not be my name on the top,

and I'm not as familiar with Windows 95

as that person is...

But as long as you don't have me making résumés,

you will not regret this.

You're passionate. You remind me of a younger me.

Sure, my hair was a little longer

and my Ann Taylor suit a little more maroon,

but everything else is a dead-on match.

You're hired.

Now, about your pay.

I'm hoping this might entice you to come aboard.

Whoo-hoo!

Record greeting at the beep.

You've reached Hayley Smith's office.

Please leave a message at the beep.

Ugh, boring.

Hey, fool, this is Mr. T,

and I pity you if you don't leave a message for Hayley.

This is Gilbert Gottfried, and I agree.

You must be the new hire.

And I must say,

your Gilbert Gottfried is...flawless.

Hi. Y-yes. Hayley is me.

Ax Jenkins.

Just wanted to welcome you to the company.

Here's everything you need to know.

Mary is sweet, but she'll talk your ear off.

That's Carl.

He denies it,

but we're pretty sure he's one of the jerky boys.

And everyone hates Andrew. I don't know why.

Someone told me that when I first started,

so I just went with it.

He is the worst.

Anyway, welcome to corporate America.

See you for cake during your birth month.

Thanks.

Hey, there. I'm Andrew.

Yeah, nice try.

You're gonna fit in great here.

I'm not sure about this dance.

I don't think my date really wants to go with me.

Steve, it's a mother/son dance. Of course she wants to go.

Oh, mother, you look so beautiful.

Yeah, yeah. Let's just get this over with.

Can't believe I'm going to a dance with a nerd.

Your chariot awaits.

I'm gonna totally nail your date later.

I'm so happy you got a job.

Another Arbuckle T. Boone success story

for the first time.

Oh, it's great.

There's a whole room full of markers you can huff.

And I even met a cute guy.

Oh, a cute co-worker.

Sounds like you're following my system to a "T."

That's the "T" in Arbuckle T. Boone.

Step one is a job. Step two is a man.

Step three is a baby with that man

so you can quit step one.

It's just three steps.

You can really wrap your head around it.

Unlike all those other systems.

I don't know. I-I just got my first real job.

I mean, should I really be messing around

with one of my co-workers?

I'm your life coach. This is life.

Have I steered you wrong yet?

It's true.

You got to play the hot hand, Hayley.

He's batting a thousand. He's one for one.

And I'm always afraid that when I turn on my car,

it's gonna blow up.

And when it doesn't, it's like, "Wow, Mary!

The world does want you here."

Hey. Since you don't know where everything is yet,

I brought you some coffee.

Oh, thanks.

Just trying to impress the only girl in the office

who looks good in a business suit.

Well, this is what 40 bucks gets you at sears.

Well, this and two tires.

Attention, everyone.

I have a big announcement to make.

So maybe stop stuffing your fat face for one second

and listen, Andrew!

It's come to my attention that, as of this quarter,

we have dropped

to the number-two industrial-solvent distributor

in East Chimdale.

Number two. Which is also known as shit!

But I'm not mad. We just need to get back on top.

So, I'm taking the company on a corporate retreat to Belize,

leaving now.

Food, clothing, necessities, everything will be provided.

I even got banana chips for the plane.

Whoo! Whoo!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

That's so great!

Fisher automotive, Trish speaking.

Hey, Roger. So, I think I may be moving on to step two.

Please hold for Arbuckle.

Arbuckle here.

What am I hearing about step two?

Well, my company's going on a corporate retreat to Belize.

Sounds like you're moving on to step three, girl.

You do know what Belize's number-one export is?

Sugar cane? Sex memories.

I mean, I definitely like him.

And it would be fun to hook up

in a foreign country that isn't Mexico.

You know what? I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna go for it.

She's gonna sleep with Ax.

Ooh, this is so exciting.

No girl forgets the 88th time she has sex.

# Mmm, yeah #

# I used to think maybe you loved me #

# now, baby, I'm sure #

# and I just can't wait #

# till the day when you knock on my door #

# Now every time I go for the mailbox #

# gotta hold myself down #

Hey, you. I was wondering where you were.

Is this seat -- Taken!

I already called her as a plane buddy.

Our bodies will melt together if the plane blows up.

Okay. I'll see you when we land.

Love him.

He's handsome, funny, and he works like the rest of us

even though his family is super rich.

There's not a doubt in my mind --

he is one of the world's most eligible bachelors.

Yeah. He is pretty great.

His wife's one lucky woman.

Wife?!

Yep.

Hey, can you help me with this crossword clue?

What does the word "eligible" mean?

Oh, and also "bachelor"?

Hey, is everything all right?

You didn't say a word to me the whole trip here.

Well, I figured if you wanted to talk,

you could have called your wife.

Can you "Belize" we made it?

Go yourself.

Hello?

Hi. I'm calling on behalf of Mr. Boone.

He's wondering if anything went down between you and Ax.

Yeah, it's not gonna happen. He's married.

What?! He's married? That's a deal breaker.

Give me that! Arbuckle here. So what if he's married?

Lots of us are married. You're married.

All the good ones are married. Haven't you heard that?

It's not happening, Roger.