Fuller House

Hey, Deej, hurry up. It's banner time.

Do not unfurl a banner without me. You know the house rules.

Believe me, we know.

No banner till you see D.J. Tanner.

See? Everything's better when it rhymes.

Now remember, everyone, the baby came early.

Stephanie and Jimmy have not had a chance to pick out the name yet,

so let's not make them feel self-conscious.

"Welcome home, baby-to-be-named-later"?

Yeah, I kinda wish you'd given that speech before I went to the printers'.

Oh, the last thing we wanna do is make them feel pressured.

But they better have it by 6:30 tonight before the baby-naming party.

There's gonna be a lot of people in this house.

Legally, if three more people move in, we have to register as a commune.

Okay, I think I've got everything done. The nursery is all set.

I've got my color-coded schedule for eating, sleeping, and pooping.

For the baby, not for Stephanie.

Have you filled out the baby's college applications yet?

No. That's why I need a name.

I-I just want everything to be perfect and as easy as possible for Steph.

Someone's coming.

Oh. Okay, everyone gather around and cheer.

But not too loudly. We don't want to wake the baby.

Don't wake the baby, huh?

- I was doing Uncle Jesse. -

Why? We already have one of those.

That's not a baby. It's just Grandpa.

What a bummer.

Really? You all realize you live here rent-free, right?

Okay, what can I do to help?

Uh, nothing. We're all set. I don't need you to do anything.

There's gotta be something I can do. I mean, I'm not Joey.

Can I at least meet my new grand-baby?

I'm the baby.

Yes, you are.

Dad, what's with all the bags? You're not moving in again, are you?

No. I felt so guilty

that I missed the birth of the baby that I went guilt shopping.

- I don't even know the baby's name yet. - Oh, they haven't chosen one.

Are they going to?

I mean, is this some sort of weird Gibbler thing?

Grandpa, this is all vodka, cigars, and neck pillows.

I don't know what to tell you.

I just left the airport duty-free shop and took everything.

I got a whole trunkload of Eternity by Calvin Klein.

- - Oh, I hear a car.

Everybody hide!

- It's not a surprise party. -

Come on. Come on, come on.

iHola, Tanneritos!

You're still wearing your Hamilton dress?

Oh, sure am.

Whatever you do, don't tell me how Hamilton ends.

Or begins.

All I remember are the first three notes

and then some lady screaming, "My water broke!"

That was you.

Uh, pretty sure I would've remembered that.

Oh. Hello, old friend.

Now that Kimberlina is no longer with child,

she wants to enjoy the more dangerous things

she couldn't during her pregnancy.

That's why we went straight from the hospital

to get gas-station sushi and illegal fireworks.

Hello, wildly dangerous stairs.

I've missed you most of all.

Whee.

It's great to be me again.

How are you possibly okay?

Well, that has to be them. We're running out of people.

Hey. Everybody look. I have a baby.

And they even let me bring her home.

I know, and they didn't even make us take a test or anything, and I studied.

- So cute. - Hi.

Hey, Dad.

You ready to meet your first granddaughter?

Hi.

She's gorgeous.

I'm Grandpa Danny.

And you're...

you're...

I'm gonna need a name.

I know. I know. We're working on it.

I'm hoping the more time I spend with her, the name will reveal itself.

Great.

As long as it reveals itself by 6:30.

6:15 if you want her name on a cake.

No name, huh?

Do you hippies at least have a wedding date?

Wedding date?

That would mean I proposed.

I wouldn't do that without asking for Grandpa Danny's permission.

That would be insanity. Hee hee hee.

- - Okay. You've had her long enough.

Oh, Steph, remind me to teach you how to swaddle her properly.

Come on.

Come here to Aunt D.J.

Hi.

Oh, honey, I could hold you all night long.

I'm here for the baby. Give me the child.

Out of curiosity, before I call 9-1-1, does anyone know that woman?

Relax, Deej. That's Melissa, my doula.

She's just here for a week to help me get my sea legs as a mom.

Oh, 'cause I thought I was gonna help you get your sea legs,

but... good for you.

That's great for you.

I'm sure she's very professional.

Yeah, I met her in the mud pit at Bonnaroo.

And she's excellent. She worked for Beyoncé.

Jay-Z might have 99 problems, but childcare ain't one of 'em.

- It's just so great having you here. -

I love my sister, but...

she has her own way of doing things, and I want to do this my way.

Now let me fix what you've done.

Oh. You know, or-or your way. That's cool.

My way's never been that great, anyway.

As a kid, I accidentally melted my Barbie on the stove top.

Ken was not pleased, but, uh, Skipper was secretly thrilled.

Shush.

Oh, you know, we're actually gonna use cloth diapers.

No, you're not.

Is there a reason for that or...

Yes.

Wow.

We are learning so much.

Yeah.

You know, I gotta be honest. She was a lot more fun at Bonnaroo.

Maybe that's why you don't exchange business cards in a mud pit.

Well, she must know what she's doing. She's got her hair up in a bun.

Shush. The baby needs burping.

Oh, I can do that.

Pretty sure I can manage burping my own baby.

That's right. Yeah.

There we go. Yeah.

Aw... just a little burp.

It's all we need, yeah.

Just... There we go. What? Oh, come on. It's...

Oh.

Good girl. Yeah.

Give her to me.

Oh. Okay, well...

Bye. Bye, little baby.

We-We really need a name.

Maybe it's just me, but this doula's not what I expected.

Yeah, me either.

I totally thought she'd have a talking umbrella.

I thought when we got home,

we'd be able to spend time with the baby and figure her name out.

But instead, Lady Melisandre keeps taking her.

So... should we fire her?

And let D.J. know I made a mistake? Are you crazy?

Plus, I said all that crazy stuff about sea legs. Mm-mmm.

Oh. Speaking of great legs,

I've got to talk to your dad about something special.

I really hope you're talking to him about our engagement and not his legs.

Why not both?

Oh.

Uh, your doula just shushed me, and I didn't even say anything.

She's got her own unique style.

Yeah, so does Pennywise the Clown.

What's going on?

There are 35 people living in this house.

So why is the High Priestess of Darkness taking care of the baby?

Because, Deej, I know you, all right?

Left to your own devices,

you would jump into this, and you don't have the time.

You know, not with your job and your kids and your... Steve.

But I'm your sister.

And I've been waiting for this baby.

And in the Fuller House, family raises family.

Shush!

Did she just shush us from upstairs?

She is that good.

H-Hey there, Dan the Man.

Dan the Man?

Wow, I haven't heard that since Little League.

And it was usually followed by

"Dan the Man, stop crying. Butterflies don't bite."

Need any help?

No, thanks.

Apparently, this is the only thing they think I'm useful for around here.

Right. 'Cause you're old.