Modern Family

- Come on in. - Hey-o!

- Hi! - Hello.

Do you love our sweaters?

I thought they would be perfect for the snow ball dance.

I got them at the store where you buy things

that go with the other things.

Oh, I know that place. That's where we got

our salt-n-pepa salt and pepper shakers.

Claire can never tell which one is which.

A confusing idea poorly executed.

Stop implying I'm a racist.

How did we get roped into this chaperone thing?

This incredibly annoying pta mom, Marjorie,

keeps hounding us to volunteer for things,

and we finally ran out of excuses.

Ooh, I should probably tell her we're coming.

Unreal.

"Where are you?"

"Are you with Claire?"

"How far away are you?"

"Text me when you're close."

"I locked my keys in my car."

Oh, that's from Haley.

Much as I'd love to meet this dingbat,

how many chaperones do they really need?

Takes one person to turn a garden hose

on those dry humpers.

If Phil is going, you are going.

I don't like being the only person in the room

without a husband.

It's my one insecurity.

Phil's just trying to be nice.

He doesn't want to go to this thing, either.

Actually, I was looking forward to it.

Maybe meet some of these so-called cheerleaders.

Watch their faces when I tell them we could kewpie a scorpion

into a cradle catch and then pop up into a split extension.

Most of that stuff's illegal now.

I think what Phil's trying to say is that

he and I haven't had a boy's night in a good while.

I mean, wouldn't it be nice to just hang out together,

just you and me?

What do you say, buddy?

What?!

Might be nice to have a hang with my boy Jay.

If it's fine with you.

Sure, it's the least I could do, because tomorrow

you are going to help Luke with his homework

while I visit wine country.

I want to go.

That's just what she calls lying on the trampoline

drinking chardonnay.

Ah.

Oh, yes! We're on our way.

- Okay. - Bye-bye.

Have fun, you two.

Don't worry about us. We'll have a blast.

We'll have a good time. We'll have a good time.

Yes!

This is gonna be so great!

Sure it will. Maybe give them about

a five-minute lag time before you hit the road.

What do you mean?

You... you said we were gonna do something together.

I was just trying to get us out of that stupid dance.

Oh.

Okay.

Enjoy your night, Phil.

I've got a date with an epic western

about a crooked sheriff, and I'm at the first

of what I predict to be many wrongful hangings.

Well, if you're not up for doing anything,

I think I'll just go to the dance.

What? No. You can't do that.

Makes me look like a jerk.

Well, then what am I supposed to do?

Whatever you like. I want to go to the dance.

How are you not getting this?

Fine. I'll just go home.

You're going to the dance, aren't you?

Of course I am. All right, you win.

We'll do something. Awesome!

What do you want to do? Gosh, I don't know.

I mean, dancing is still so much in the air.

Uh-huh. Where are you going?

Scotch country.

And brought to you by Ford. We go further, so you can.

We're low on ice in bucket 12.

Hey, those crab cakes have to last all night.

Push the cheese.

Setlist?

You're starting with "get lucky"?

Come on, we're telling a story here.

Do you know what time it is?

I thought you were gonna help me set up.

Sorry, buddy.

I was worrying about the big-picture stuff.

Hmm. Is there enough room for it here,

or should I put it in the back entrance?

You can certainly put it in a back entrance.

Oh, my gosh, doesn't everything look so lovely?

Well, it's high school.

Dress it up all you want, it's still the place I spent

four years being tormented by sadistic bullies.

Nice shirt, Michelle.

You know what? Times have changed.

In high school, did you ever imagine

you'd end up with the football coach?

The football coach? No.

The swim coach, Mr. artino, almost nightly.

Oh, coach Tucker, Mitchell.

Thank you for volunteering.

I couldn't say no.

The kids on the team practically begged me.

It's an amazing thing to matter so much and inspire so many.

Oh, no, I think they just wanted you here

so they can prank you.

Hmm? Yeah.

The football team has something all worked out.

I don't know what it is 'cause I checked out

after they capped my salary.

But there's usually a mess,

so you might want to throw a poncho over all that finery.

Oh.

Oh, my god, I hate pranks so much.

Now I'm gonna spend the whole dance paranoid

wondering what they're gonna do.

Is it gonna hurt? Am I gonna cry?

You're a clown.

Isn't that mostly just pranking people?

No, it is not. Clowns are loving and joyful.

You know what? I was warned about this kind of ignorance.

Don't make me regret marrying outside the big top.

What?

We got to keep our eyes peeled

for kids trying to bring alcohol in here.

I cannot make it through this thing without a drink.

Marjorie, 12:00.

Oh, god.

Quick, pretend we're having a fight.

Then she won't come over here.

You stole my inheritance, you gold digger!

Wow, you had that one ready to go.

There you are.

Did you get my texts?

Look what I've already confiscated.

Oh, shameful. I'll take that.

So, I still need volunteers to call parents

for silent auction items.

I've divided it into six-hour shifts,

so if you switch ears every half-hour,

it's actually not bad.

Can I count on you two ladies?

I'm so busy, but I can't speak for Gloria.

My phone English no so good.

I get it. I'm a bit of a nag-eroo.

Oh.

Like my mom always jokes,

you know who you should bore with this?

Your husband. Oh, right, he left you.

That woman is so uptight.

- You know what she needs? - Mm.

A man.

That is a very old-fashioned attitude,

which in this case, seems pretty accurate.

A man, a man, a man. Where can we find one.

Hey, siri, record "antiques roadshow."

I can't think of anyone.

Principal brown.

He's single. We could fix them up.

At the winter dance. Mm-hmm.

That's so romantic.

Yes, and maybe she'll get off our backs

if she spends more time on hers.

You really are your father's son.

Hey, you okay?

Guy just made fun of my bow tie in front of everyone.

Asked if I was trying to look gay.

Oh, that is charming.

So I-i guess high school hasn't changed that much, has it?

Look, I want you to put this back on

and wear this with pride.

This was soaking wet before you threw it in there, right?

We're gonna let it go. It's fine.

All right.

Where is this idiot?

Are you trying to look gay?

'Cause you don't have the pecs, the pores,

or the pants for it, slugger.

Hey, here's a reference that hairstyle's old enough to get.

It's not twerking.

Yeah, well, you're just... You're just a... you're a...

Ah? You're a... you're a...

So, I'm gonna go squeeze in a dance real quick

while you stagger to the end of that sentence.

Leslie kwan Collins, daily dolphin.

I know who you are.

We've been friends since kindergarten.

Care to comment on what my sources are calling

"the best snow ball ever?"