The Good Place

We're on the same page.

I wanna team up with you.

What? Why? You do? What?

I'm in a bit of a bind. I could use backup.

So, what do you say? New best friends?

Stop.

You wanna team up?

You've been torturing us and lying about it.

Oh, let's not get caught up on "who lied to whom"

or "which one of us created an entire fake reality in order to"

cause eternal misery for the others." That's ancient history.

It was happening until 20 seconds ago.

The point is that...

circumstances have changed,

and now all of us teaming up is our best option.

I love being on teams.

Oh, we need a team name. Um...

- The Bobcats. - Great.

Slow down, ding-dong.

He wouldn't offer us a deal for no reason. He needs us.

Why?

Because, as you said, you keep beating me.

Look, I built this neighborhood

as a way to torture the four of you, psychologically, for thousands of years.

And you keep figuring it out and taking all the fun out of it.

"Fun"?

Today, there was a new development, really chapped my nips.

One of my employees is blackmailing me. Vicky.

She runs the clam chowder place in the main square,

A Little Bit Chowder Now.

Oh, the place with the chowder fountain?

No, that's Pump Up the Clam.

A Little Bit Chowder Now has the lazy river of chowder.

How did we ever think this was the Good Place?

Vicky thinks she can run this neighborhood better than I can.

And she wants to start her version in 30 minutes.

I'm supposed to reboot you, erase your memory,

and turn control over to her.

How can we team up if you wipe our memories again?

Easy. I'm not going to.

You're going to act like you've been rebooted

and pretend Vicky and the others are torturing you.

But then, on your own time, in private,

you can study ethics, ogle mailmen, do whatever you want.

- Can I play iPad? - Sure you can, buddy.

- Yes! - Guys, there's no debate here.

My boss gave me two chances to make this work.

Suffice to say, I tried more than two times.

If he finds out, we're all in hot water.

Literally, they will boil us.

We will be the main ingredient in a chowder of pain.

Human meeting. Bedroom. Now.

Oh, yeah, um... That whole "no stair" thing, that was, uh, part of the torture.

Let me...

Son of a bench.

Anyone have any ideas?

Believe it or not, I was in a similar situation a few years ago,

except in that instance, "Michael" was Javier Bardem,

and The Bad Place was Vanessa Redgrave's panic room.

Okay, stop talking. Do not talk again for 100 hours.

- What do we do? - We team up with Michael.

Okay. Hot take, but I like your confidence. Tell me why.

He has a bow tie.

- Oh, no. - I always trust dudes in bow ties.

Once, a guy in a bow tie came up to me at the Jacksonville bus station gun range,

and said he'd give me $600 if I put these weird turtles in my duffel bag,

and brought them to Daytona Beach.

So, I hotwired a swamp boat to Daytona and the guy paid me the $600.

My point is you always trust dudes in bow ties.

Look, Michael's a liar. I know liars.

It was my job to trick people into buying fake medicine

and I was the top salesperson seven years in a row.

I thought you only worked there five years.

Proves my point. This is a trick. There's no way we trust him.

I agree. He could be lying about this whole thing.

For all we know, you three are in The Bad Place

and I'm up in the Good Place where I belong, being tested.

- How would that even... - I don't know, but it's possible!

Before we do anything, we need more information.

We should ask him every question we can think of.

- Yes. - Yes.

We'll grill him like the flank of an Iberian piglet.

I'm sorry, has it been 100 hours?

Okay, man. We got questions. First off, how can we possibly trust you?

You can't, but you have to.

Logically, you shouldn't, but you have no choice.

I mean, I wouldn't if I were you. It's a crazy thing to do. But you gotta.

What happens if we don't?

Most likely, I reboot you once more, you figure it out again,

Vicky tells my boss, he shuts everything down,

I get punished,

you end up spending the rest of eternity in the real Bad Place,

up to your necks in a volcano full of scorpions.

I'll tell you what I wanna know now before going further.

Did the Jacksonville Jaguars win the Super Bowl last year?

Oh.

You're serious. Uh, no.

- Will they ever win the Super Bowl? - Jason, I can't predict the future.

But no. They won't.

- I have 12 more Jaguars questions... - No, you don't.

- Hey, Janet. - Hi, there.

Do you have something shiny Jason can play with?

How many different versions of this place have we been through?

Uh, let's see.

Eight hundred and two. The longest was 11 months.

Uh, this current one has only been going for one week.

You guys barely know each other. That's gonna make this tough.

What's that super-tiny line?

That's the shortest one. Eight seconds.

It was a butt-reboot. I sat on the activator by mistake.

Michael, was I also rebooted 802 times?

Yes. Why?

Every time a Janet is rebooted,

she increases her social awareness and abilities.

I might be the most advanced Janet in the universe.

Oh.

So, Janet isn't with you?

No. There has to be a Janet in every neighborhood, good and bad.

This one is an actual Good Place Janet that I stole to help sell the ruse.

I guess it didn't work, though, because you keep failing.

- Yes. Thank you. - You're welcome.

If you're not human, why do you look like us?

Everyone in the Bad Place Bureau of Human Affairs

gets randomly assigned a human body

so we can get the feel of how best to torture you.

I gotta say, it took me a long time to get used to the hanging bits.

Gross.

Oh, get your mind out of the gutter, Eleanor.

I was talking about my testicles.

Mindy St. Claire's is fake, I bet.

No, the Medium Place is real.

So annoying how you managed to slip away from me all those times.

Why even tell us about any real thing? Why not just lie about all of it?

Lies are more convincing when they're close to the truth.

That's true. I crashed a lot of open-bar weddings as Eileen Shelbourne.

Even dated a groomsman for a few months, so I had to keep the name,

and he got "Eileen" tattooed on his neck.

Seriously?

- How is she and I in the same place? - Oh, get over yourself.

Trust me, don't trust me, it doesn't matter.

We're running out of time and I'm your only option.

"We're running out of time and I'm your only option?"

A lot of guys your age said that to me just as the bar was about to close.

But I never settled for them.

Because my ex-boyfriend lived nearby, was obsessed with me,

and never slept because he was addicted to Adderall.

There is always another option.

You guys do whatever you want. I'm out.

No! My plan only works if all four of you are on board.

Then you better get cracking on a new plan, pally,

because I haven't heard one good reason why I should help you.

How about this?

You help me trick Vicky and all those other goons...

I can get you to the real Good Place.

There's a way to get to the real Good Place?

It's complicated.

It may take a while to arrange,

especially since I'll have to do it in secret,

but yes, there is a potential method of transportation.

Well, is it nice? Is there a business class? Can I pre-board?

Let's not worry about that now.

- I can get us there. - "Us"?

You, Mr. Diabolical Torture Guy, are gonna try to join us in the Good Place?

Yeah. If I stay in the Bad Place, I'm doomed.

But if I rescue four...

pitiful, foul-smelling humans from eternal damnation,

hit 'em with the big puppy-dog eyes,

"Please, sir, take pity on me, I've changed," and all that crap...

maybe I can earn a spot too.

We didn't deserve the Good Place based on our time on Earth.

- Will they let us stay? - Honestly, I have no idea.

But if you help me fool Vicky,

at least your brains don't get erased every two weeks.

Okay, all humans who have not already been suckered by Michael,

another team meeting.

This is definitely a trap.

We figured out his game every time,

and now he's trying a new way to mess with us.

Teaming up with a demon is insane.

Maybe. But I think we have to do it.

Are you forking kidding me right now?

You take half an hour to pick out a turtleneck,

- and this you're sure about? - Look...

I spent my whole life trying to learn about right and wrong,

and, apparently, I failed.

I want us to get better and stay that way.

- You understand, right, Tahani? - I understand nothing.

Hey, same here.

Michael, there's been a mistake.

I belong in the Good Place, the real one, with good people.

- Who do I speak to about correcting this? - Me and you're wrong.

Very well. I want to speak to your manager.

Listen, sweetheart.

You've only been in this timeline for about a week.

So, I'll fast-forward things a bit.

There's a very good reason why you ended up here.

You never cared about the people you helped.

You did it only for fame or status or to spite your family.

That is utter tosh!

I had my flaws like anyone else, but I raised billions for charity.