Modern Family

Hey, baby brother!

Let's not insult us both. How much do you need?

Mom paid my car insurance this month, and I told her I'd have it today...

The number, the number. $120.

Grandpa got me a job at his country club,

and I've been cleaning up in tips.

I also like the way those guys talk.

There's actually an ethnic slur for Norwegians.

It's ice ers.

Hey, buddy, they canceled my showing,

so I can drive you to work.

That looks good. What is it?

Lobster Thermidor from the country club.

There's also cherries jubilee in the fridge.

Mmm.

Look at us eating like rich people in the '50s.

Hey, Mom! Have a good day at work.

Uh, I already did that. It's 3:30.

How are you just waking up?

I set my alarm for noon. I must have slept through it.

I was working late promoting a new club.

Oh, by the way, here is the insurance money.

Thank you. A lot of singles in there.

What exactly do you do at this club?

Oh, right.

'Cause I'm a stripper, Alex.

Oh, my God, do you really think I'm a stripper?

No. No.

Okay, well, I'm off.

I'm signing up for some business classes

at community college.

Business class, huh?

Sounds like somebody's been influenced

by living under the same roof

with a certain captain of industry.

Thank you, honey, but none of my success

would have been possible without your support as a homemaker.

Sweetheart, while I'm very flattered

by your sudden interest in business,

how about instead of another class, you get a job?

Get your hands a little dirty, huh?

She could run her hands through her hair.

That would do it. I've already pre-registered.

Also, I signed us up for that book signing tonight.

You still in?

Absolutely.

Got my book right here.

Trying to make it look like you read it? Amateur.

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And brought to you by Ford. We go further, so you can.

**

So, I don't really have a job title

or even a set place to work,

so I kind of just float around

and make sure everyone has what they need.

4:00, Your Honor.

Don't forget to take your medicine.

Well, all these powerful guys.

You can make connections here that'll last forever.

Not really.

We have a lot of turnover here.

That flag outside has been at half-mast since April.

Oh.

That's why we have these.

Oh. How's that work?

You find a member to sponsor you,

come have some drinks with the committee,

and they vote a few people in.

Similar process to a secret cheer society I was in.

Skull and Pom-Poms.

I've said too much already.

Are you thinking of joining?

Both my partners are in clubs.

They've drummed up a lot of business.

Maybe I...

Hey, there's Jay. Maybe he can...

Jay. Jay!

Jay, Jay, Jay!

Go, go, go!

Jay, wait up!

I think someone's calling for you.

I didn't hear anything. What's wrong with this cart?

You got the brakes on? Go! Ow! Your spikes.

Hey, hey, hey! Cramps.

Luke and I just split a Beef Wellington

and clams casino.

Um, I'm wondering if you'd, uh, sponsor me

for the new-members thing tonight.

Gee, I'd like to, but they got rules

about relatives sponsoring new members, so...

No, they don't. I just did it.

Gee, they must have changed that.

Oh, great, I'll see you tonight. What time should I be here?

Oh, I think it starts about 9:30.

No, it'll be over by then. It starts at 7:00.

They must have changed that, too.

Thanks, Jay. See you at 7:00.

Wait, that was Claire's husband, right?

Yes, it was, Anders, you stupid ice

I haven't had one night to myself in six months,

but tonight, Manny's going to a party.

And if I can get Joe tired enough to go to sleep,

I can finally relax and take a long, nice bath.

I even have a wine glass that floats.

In case I fall asleep, nothing bad can happen.

Ohh. Okay, little reindeer,

we didn't get to the North Pole yet.

Ooh.

I'm tired of this game.

Well, we need to take this food to Santa Claus.

If not, he's gonna starve to death.

Which shirt for the party...

The canary or the daffodil?

We're not doing this again.

I just the herringbone or the tweed for your vest.

Just pick one and go.

Okay. Oh, well, this needs ironing.

Okay, jump on.

Rudolph, to the laundry room!

Ohh.

I know it's just community theater,

but aren't opening nights so exciting?

Yes, the cream of society

decked out in their finest flip-flops. Mitchell.

Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

I haven't seen you since high school!

Uh, yes, it's been years, huh, uh, T-T-Tammy.

Hey, let me know

if you want to roll around under the bleachers again, doll.

Oh.

Oh.

That's weird... I feel like I would've remembered her.

Why was she wearing a name tag? I don't know.

Oh, there he is!

Remember that time in band

when you dropped your flute in the gutter?

I'm sorry... I never played the flute or anything...

Ha! Old gutter flute.

Okay, what is going on?

Why is everyone talking to me?

I think they're just being friendly. Cam, oh, my God.

Is... is this one of those interactive theater experiences?

Oh, do you mean where the audience participates

and the line between performer and spectator

is delightfully blurred?

Mitchell, we're at a high-school reunion!

Stop pretending, all right? You tricked me.

I did not. You always trick me.

Every time we leave the house,

it's like a game of Three-card Monte.

Interactive theater is fun.

It's not fun. It's never fun.

It's the worst thing that can happen to human

during peace time.

Okay, you know what, Mitchell?

Please, I'm on the board,

and I couldn't not bring my husband

while everyone else's significant other

is happy to be here.

It's interactive?

You son of a bitch.

There's a quote for your poster.

Front door open. Ay, no!

Please. Who?! Who?!

Ay, what the hell are you doing here?

I had the most humiliating experience of my entire life.

I may never leave this house again.

Okay, you're just tired.

I'm gonna make you an espresso, and you go back.

No, I can't go back there.

Did you get in trouble again for adjusting the lighting?

You're still young.

You can take a bright bulb.

I was flirting with Ava Morris,

and I walked into a coffee table

and hit my shin really hard

and started crying in front of everyone.

Bad enough... But then I noticed

I spilled my drink on my crotch area,

creating a very incriminating stain.

I ran to the bathroom and started drying it with a towel,

but the door swung open,

and I was viewed by my classmates

vigorously attending to my groin.

Oh, and did I mention the picture of Ava's grandmother

water skiing in a bikini that was directly in my eyeline?

That happens to everyone sometimes.

You're gonna be fine once you drink...

Ay, no!

Hi, Mama! Hi, Mama! Hi, Mama!

In the workplace, we women have been told

to suppress it, contain it, ignore it.

Well, you know what I say?

Grab it! Grab it.

Alex is not my most expressive child,

but when she enrolled in a business class

and then signed up for a lecture series

called "Meet the She-E-O,"

it was pretty clear to me what she was trying to say...