The Life & Times of Tim

- Guys. - What?!

- Come on. - What do you mean, come on?

You said pick any restaurant

and you would treat us on your corporate card

it's not a restaurant. It's called Bonerz with a "z."

- Yeah. - They serve food, so it's a restaurant.

All right. Is this gonna show up on my corporate card as--

- as Bonerz? - Yes.

- Yes? - Yes-- all caps.

By the way, isn't this a weird name for a strip club?

What's your problem with "Bonerz"?

Doesn't it make it sound kind of gay?

- What? Fuck! Holy-- - No one's ever suggested that?

Wow, fuck you! I'm not-- we're not gay.

It's clear as day. You walk into a strip club and you see butt,

you see breast, you see pretty girls, and you get what?

- Boners. - You get boners.

Hey, that's the end result. Come on in.

You could have called it Boobz with a "z."

That's just childish.

This is actually very good. I'm not gonna lie.

Uh, this is the best lunch ever, Timmy.

Hey, guys, you want a dance?

Yes, I do. How-- well, how much for dances?

Okay, it's $40 a dance

or $100 for the champagne room.

Ooh, champagne room all around.

- Put it on Timmy's card. - No-no, no-no.

We're here for lunch. We're here for the restaurant aspect.

- Oh. Come on. - Oh. I'm sad.

- You like Pauly Shore? - Yeah.

- Hey, buddy. - ( Laughs hysterically )

- She thinks you're really funny. - You think I'm funny?

See? She wants to have fun.

- She thinks I'm funny. - She does think you're funny.

Timmy, come on. Let's get in there, man.

I can't put a lap dance on my card.

You know, Tim, you've really changed. You're not fun anymore.

Yeah, I'm gonna agree with this guy.

- You are not fun anymore. - They check the statements.

- Timmy, it's the champagne room. - Yeah?

In that room they serve beverages.

Beverages are technically part of lunch.

- This is totally acceptable. - That's actually a good point.

- Yeah. - All right, let's do this.

- That's right. - ( Cheering )

Mmm. Mmm.

Ooh. Ooh. How's my boy?

- Yeah, he's doing real good. - ( Giggling )

- Thank you for asking. - I'm Amber, by the way.

Oh, hey, I'm Stu.

Or you can call me Stuballs or Stuart

- or Baby Doc Duvall. It doesn't-- - ( Laughs hysterically )

Doesn't really matter.

You are so funny. Oh my God, you're my favorite.

You're my favorite person ever--

- "Ambron"-- "Amver" I've ever met. - ( Laughs hysterically )

We have the same senses of humor.

Timmy, we are coming here every day!

- ( Clicks ) - ( Light buzzes )

- Hey guys, what happened? - Lights in here, lights.

- Ugh. - Aw.

- Who are you? - What happened?

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ!

- This light is not flattering for me. - To say the least.

- Fuck you! - Fuck you.

- Fuck you. - Fuck you.

- You big pile of dogshit. - Wow.

Buzzkill, to say the least.

You have a lot of scars.

I've been to a lot of fucking places, dude--

- Knife fight. - Uh-huh.

- Baby. - Yep.

Italy, melanoma, prison knife fight in Italy.

Is someone gonna do something with the music and the lights?

- We're having a business luncheon here. - ( Gunshots )

- Oh my God. - He's got a gun, he's got a gun.

- Okay, assholes. - Tim: Uh-oh.

Someone needs to tell me where Jenny is right now.

There was a Jenny that used to work here.

- She doesn't work here anymore. - Oh, that's Jenny

- who opened up the yarn store in Chicago. - What?!

- And she had lupus. - You're all lying to me!

Everyone in the main room. Until someone finds my Jenny for me, you're all hostages.

This lunch is really getting away from us.

What's this about? Why are we tied up to poles?

I wanna see my girlfriend, that's all.

- It's very simple. - Your girlfriend works here?

- Yes. Jenny. - We told you-- Jenny has left town.

She's in Chicago. She opened a yarn store

- and she's got lupus. - She would've told me if she moved.

- Are you sure she was your girlfriend? - Uh, yeah, I'm sure.

- Why? What did she-- - Oh, she only danced for me

every single time I came in here and uh, let's see, what else?

Oh, yeah, I know. She said I was her favorite.

- What are you, 11? - You shut up, okay? Shut up!

We're staying here until the police track Jenny down

and bring her to me.

- Wait, what-- what's this? - A note?

Hey, nasty old stripper, go read that.

Excuse me, let's at least behave like gentlemen here.

- It is a gentlemen's club. - Yeah.

Okay.

It says, "Hey, dude, it's the police."

Come out and chat if you want."

"Hey, dude"? What kind of way is that to talk to me?

For a guy with a palm tree on his shirt,

you're surprisingly concerned with self-respect.

You, smart mouth, you're coming with me.

I knew my sarcastic quips would be the undoing of me at some point.

None of these jokes are really landing.

Okay, we're coming out, but don't try anything funny

or I'm gonna shoot this motherfucker.

Wait a second, where is everybody?

Hey-o.

Just you and and-- and the canine unit?

It's just me.

And he's not part of the canine unit, all right?

He's my dog Gus. And he's a good boy.

- Right, Gus? - ( Barks )

We've got another situation here, Gus, that you're not part of.

Good boy. Who's a good boy?

This is a real hostage situation, okay?

You need to take this seriously.

We have stopped doing the whole standoff thing, alright?

Due to the budget cuts.

Just cost too much. We gotta pay

for roadblocks, we gotta get helicopters...

And don't even get me started on the snipers. I hate those guys.

"Oh, I can shoot accurately...

"Oh, look, I can hit a nickel

- from this many yards." - Ok, enough, enough.

Let's get the full department on this or people are going to die.

- Starting with this guy. - I have a name.

- What's your name? - Stu-balls.

Now, those cops are just playing with my head, okay?

The real cops are gonna show up soon

and I'm gonna make them take me seriously.

Or else everyone dies.

- Are you crying, Stu? - Uh-uh, I'm not crying.

- ( Sobbing ) - Kind of looks like you're crying, bro.

- Are you sneezing quietly? - I'm not ready to die.

I don't want my last meal to be a boner dog.

- That's the reason? - I'm not ready either.

I mean, the islanders have a serious shot at the playoffs this year.

- You got the baby too. - Well, the islanders though,

- that's the big one. - Hey, you know, guys, if I get killed

and you don't, will you make sure my little boy at least has food?

- Oh, yeah. How old is he? - He's 32.

Okay, you! You come with me.

- Who? Me? - You. Yeah.

I thought Stu's your human shield.

No, he's too fat, too sweaty.

- That's what you want. - You're perfect.

No, you want a big fat guy.

Thanks for having my back, Tim.

Okay, coming out again.

And I-- are you kidding me?

Okay, let's negotiate here.

Okay, fine. I want you to track down my girlfriend and bring her here.

Wish I could.

I'm not empowered to do much except order pizzas.

- Pizzas?! - You can get up to four large pies

with two toppings on each.

And it's Wednesday, so it should be good.

Okay, you're not listening to me.

I'm going to murder people.

Let's be honest, okay? You got three guys hanging out

at a strip club at 11:00 am.

I think the world can get by without them.

What's that supposed to mean?

No, this is not how it's supposed to work, okay?

What topping do you want?!

I don't want a topping. I want a SWAT team,

I want a news van, I want snipers, okay?

Hold on, Gus is taking a poop.

Oh, it's solid.

You're the worst negotiator.

Okay, what were-- what were you saying?

I want a circus atmosphere, okay?

Look, I cannot give you a circus atmosphere

unless you have $185,000 to reimburse the city.

- Oh, that is an inflated number. - Does sound a little padded.

Now I suggest mushrooms and meatballs.

They're a terrific combination when you're under stress.

Okay, guys, look, I--

I didn't wanna do this to you guys. I know we're all really good friends,

but someone here needs to die, so I'm looking for volunteers. Anyone want to volunteer?

- Not it. - Me neither.

- Okay, not it. Okay, good. Not it. - Tim: What? What?

- That's not-- - You're it, you're it.

- That's not a not-it situation. - You're--

- No, that's how-- - Not a not-it situation.

- It-- the way that I am doing it, it is, okay? - Oh my God.

So my question to you is, are you ready to die?

- No. - Okay. Well, that's okay,

because I'm going to give you a countdown

from 70 to one and then I'm going to kill you. So you have time to--

- from 70? - Yes! You have time to put things in order.

What's the significance of that number?