Cuban Fury

'Salsa.'

'It was like something from another planet,

'the music, the passion, the rhythm.

'Once I put those shoes on, I never wanted to take them off.

'It was like I had fire in my heels.

'I was an unstoppable salsa machine, trophy after trophy after trophy,

'all overseen by my mentor, Ron Parfitt,

'great coach, hard bastard.'

Most people think you dance with your feet. Bollocks.

You dance with your heart. You dance with el corazón.

And Bruce, Bruce has got a heart like a bison

and balls like an elephant.

'And by side, my sister and dance partner, Sam.'

Thunder, Thunder, Thunder,

"ThunderCats". Ho!

Ten!

'We travelled the circuit,

'Berkshire, Buckinghamshire, Bedfordshire,

'We won it all, every title going, except one - the Nationals.

'Cuban heels, silk shirt, 1,000 hand-sewn sequins.

'I was ready to take on the world.

'But sometimes salsa just throws you out for a spin.'

Oi, wanker, nice shirt.

Hey!

Come here!

'I don't know where I was when I fell in love with salsa.

'But I know exactly where I was when it stopped.'

Who do you think you are? Barry Manilow?

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Nationals... '

'I never turned up that night.

'I just phoned him and told him, "Salsa's for pussies."

'And I guess that fire in my heels,

'it just went out.'

Mm.

Oh, dear.

Mm.

'GFD Engineering,

'Western Europe's premier supplier of high-end manufacturing

'and five-star industrial machinery... '

Bike. (Bruce softly) Oh, God.

Why do we have to do this every morning? It's not a bike.

Not now it's not, but I just watched you transform it on the monitor.

Look, I'll admit, for a while outside it was a bike,

but now, piff, paff, poof, look at that.

It's a piece of luggage.

Bike.

- Fucking hell. - Juanita, buenos dís.

Bruco, no.

No, no.

What have you gone for here? This what you're wearing today?

I cycle in wearing it.

You just looked in your wardrobe and thought,

"I think I'll just look like a Maxi Babybel today." Was that it?

- Have you shaved? - No.

Just lift your... Some jam on your stubble.

Don't do that in front of everyone.

It's a big day, a big day, man.

Got the new boss starting this morning.

I hear he's a ball buster.

Well, I hear apparently he is a she.

You mean like a tranny?

- No. - No.

- A woman. - Oh... a woman.

What kind of a woman wants to run a company

that specialises in heavy industrial machinery?

I think I know.

Big, hairy.

- Big sort of big lump. - A beast.

Might be perfect for you.

Hmm. Anyway, listen, this bike's not going to park itself.

I'll see you up there, OK? Don't be late.

I don't like my team to be late. It's unprofessional, isn't it, bum flap?

There they are, Mork and Mindy.

- (Phone ringing) - Uh, Helen.

Can you not hear that?

- Hello, Bruce Garrett. - (Drew) 'Hello, Bruce.

'Do you like scary films? '

- What? - 'I'm doing "Scream".

- 'You totally bought it.' - Oh, hi, Drew.

'They're going to unleash the beast, Bruce.'

Who wouldn't swap the crystal blue waters of the Pacific

for the endless silted mud flats of old Father Thames? Am I right?

Uh, and hopefully I can prove to you that I'm a better sales manager

than I am a public speaker.

I bet she's got the bag to go with them shoes.

- Mm? - Her, United States of Bitch Face.

Little Miss I'm-So-American.

OK, I'm going to stop talking now. Let's all have a drink.

- Hear, hear. - (Enthusiastic applause)

- Oi. - You were right, you know?

She is a woman.

And what a woman. Wow-wow-wee-wah.

I would make a splash inside that like a milk truck hitting a wall.

Listen, can we not... Can we not talk ejaculate at the buffet table?

Look at her, though. Look at my little dairy queen, uh?

You see? You had little a look, too.

- Oh, some tzatziki. - Oh, that's cute.

No, it is. It's adorable, Bruce. That's all right. You can look.

But don't touch 'cause that would be embarrassing, wouldn't it?

- Just leave it to the experts. - Sure.

- The sexperts. I just coined that. - That's quite good, actually.

- Wasn't it? - Don't!

Whoa!

Work time is over, motherfuckers.

Ah, I think we know what that means.

That means, oh, oh, it's party time.

That's right.

Who wants to come and play with the dancing bear?

This one... This one loves a little bear time.

- Oh, God. - Come on.

- Not me. - Come on. Come on. Come on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, there it is. You've got a little bit of rhythm going on there.

That's it, see? What are you worried about?

- She moves like a gem. - Oh.

- Oh, yeah. - What are you like?

And she loves a spin. That was good, you see?

Oh, what about this one?

Little silent but deadly in the corner.

- Stop it. - You going to come dancing with me?

- Just a little something-something. - Don't.

- What? - I don't dance.

- Everybody's dancing. - I don't dance. I don't like it.

All right, make yourself useful.

Oh, oh. (Laughs)

Come on. (Mimics lasso sound)

Oh, the line broke, 'cause it was a big fish.

What time is it? It's Cossack time!

Oh, yes.

Hey, Bruce!

Oh, you like it!

- Whoa. - Whoa.

- Wow, I am so sorry. - Sorry, I'm sorry.

We've got tangled here. Let me try and get this... Ow!

- Ow. - Ow.

Again, I'm sorry. Are you all right?

Where am I? Am I in England?

No, I'm fine. (Laughs) Just... fine.

Maybe we should get these untangled.

- Bruce Garrett. - Bruce Garrett, that's me and...

- Julio Matthews. - They printed it wrong.

But I like it, so I'm going to keep it.

Yeah. No, you should. I think it suits you.

Adds Latin flavour to it.

Oh.

I just want you to know I wasn't trying to escape your party.

No, me neither. Why would anybody want to leave that amazing party?

- Uh, shall we... - Yes.

Well, what a pickle, a 3-D jigsaw.

Thank you. Nice to meet you, Bruce.

Likewise... Julio.

Mm.

Mm. Do you know what I like best about this place?

Apart from the free glacé cherries?

Apart from the free glacé cherries,

the fact that they still insist upon

my little sister dressing up like a Tongan concubine.

Oh, they don't insist and I prefer Polynesian call girl.

Mm-hm.

So talk me through head-butting your new boss.

Well, actually, she might have head-butted me,

but our lanyards tangled. There was a struggle, you know?

Our heads went forward. There was a crash, wallop.

Mm, sounds like she made quite an impression.

- No, no, not this again. - Oh, come on, Bruce.

You haven't even mentioned a girl since, what, the early '90s?

Stand down, Samantha, please. She is not of my world.

Oh and what world is that, the world of not even trying?

Yeah, indeed, the planet She's Beautiful, Way Out Of My League,

and also my boss, so knock it on the head.

Oh, that well-known place. Is that right next to precious comfort zone?

A place you've never even stepped out of ever.

All I'm saying is that if you really like something,

you've got to put yourself out there. Got to reach out and grab it.

The cherries are not that delicious.

I'm not talking about the cherries, Bruce.

I would not like to be those tyres.

- Ouch. - Ha-ha, yeah, very amusing!

It comes fitted with an 80-mil, three jaw self-centring chuck.

Tool size, eight mil max. I mean, you'd never need any more.

- Hey, hello. This is, uh, Ju... - Oh, sorry, everybody.

Let me introduce you to the brains of the operation,

our head of department, Miss Julia Matthews.

Uh... I'm sorry. Keep going. I was just going to sit in.

It's nice to have you with us.

- (Chuckles) Are you done? - Yeah.

- Any questions? - What's the capacity?

- Ah, capacity. - Ah.

- It's 250 mil between the centres. - You really know your stuff.

Thank you. Thank you. I... I love lathes.

Oh, while I remember, we can also provide, um, promo videos.

- Isn't that right, Bruce? - Mm.

Actually, I think we've got one of those on this computer right here.

Not on that one. Let me have a look.

Yeah, I think I saw the one for the DML vertical lathe on here

- somewhere the other day. - No.

- Wait, there it is. Hold on. - Is it?

Yeah, this is a really good example of the videos we can give you.

'Hello, with a Meehanite frame annealed for maximum rigidity,

'it offers perfect jib-bed flushing each and every time.