Planes, Trains and Automobiles

-I gotta go. I gotta go. -What?

I've got to catch a plane.

Two solid hours of staring at the material

to decide to reconvene after the holidays for a fresh look at the layout?

They're selling cosmetics, not curing cancer.

Why aren't you going to the airport?

What's the point of busting my ass to catch the 6:00 flight?

Why don't you wait and go out with me on the 8:00?

You're never going to get a cab at this hour.

I told Susan I'd be home by 9:00.

-That's you. -Good.

Damn it, I left my gloves in Brian's office.

Well, I don't need them. I get in the elevator, I get in the taxi,

I get on the plane, then I'm home. Would you pick them up for me?

-I'll drive over tomorrow and get them. -Great.

Have a good holiday.

-I'll see you in Chicago, John. -You'll never make the 6:00.

Taxi!

Taxi!

Cab! Cab!

Sir! Sir! Sir, excuse me.

I know this is your cab, but I'm desperately late for a plane,

and I was wondering if I could appeal to your good nature

to ask you to let me have it?

-I don't have a good nature. Excuse me. -Come on!

Could I offer you $10 for it?

-Twenty. I'll give you $20 for it. -I'll take $50.

-All right. All right. -Anyone who'd pay $50 for a cab

would certainly pay $75.

Not necessarily.

All right, $75.

-You're a thief. -Close. I'm an attorney.

-Have a happy holiday. -This will help.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey, that's my cab! That's my cab! Wait!

Pull over! Pull over! All right, pull over! That's my cab!

All right, buddy.

You're messing with the wrong guy!

All right, you son of a bitch, this is my cab! Out!

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Your attention, please. Your attention, please.

Mid-Central flight 909 to Chicago, O'Hare, has been delayed.

All passengers with reservations should contact the ticket agent.

When are Grandma and Grandpa and Grandma and Grandpa gonna come?

They're gonna be here tomorrow, honey.

-Mom. -Yeah?

Do you think Grandpa Walt is gonna give me a noogie?

Of course, he's going to give you a noogie. He loves to give you noogies.

That's how he tells you that he loves you.

-Why doesn't he give me noogies? -Because you get Indian burns.

-But I prefer noogies. -Keep an eye on your brother.

-Hello? -Who is it?

-Where are you? -Who is it?

-It's Daddy. -Flight delay.

-Well, when do you think you'll be in? -It shouldn't be any later than 10:00.

I'll wait up for you.

I know you, don't I?

I'm usually very good with names, but I'll be damned if I haven't forgotten yours.

You stole my cab.

I've never stolen anything in my life.

I hailed a cab on Park Avenue this afternoon,

and before I could get in it, you stole it.

You're the guy who tried to get my cab. I knew I knew you. Yeah!

You scared the bejesus out of me.

Come to think of it, it was awfully easy to get a cab during rush hour.

-Forget it. -Well, I can't forget it.

I am sorry. I had no idea that was your cab.

Let me make it up to you somehow, please?

How about a nice hot dog and a beer?

-No, thanks. -Just a hot dog then?

I'm kind of picky about what I eat.

-Some coffee? -No.

-Milk? Soda? -No. No.

-Some tea? -No.

-Life Savers? -No.

-A slurpy? -Sir, please.

Just let me know. I'm here.

I knew I knew you.

This is something you should have discussed with the ticket agent.

I couldn't discuss it with the ticket agent

because I didn't know you put me in coach.

I'm sorry. I can't help you. First class is full.

-I have a first-class ticket. -You have a coach seat assignment.

-Hi, Larry. -Hi, Liz.

Here okay? Or how about over there?

-Here or there. Anywhere's fine. -Pardon me.

Save your boarding pass, and you'll get a refund on the difference.

I don't want a refund. I want a seat in first class

where I was booked and ticketed over a month ago.

Look, I have had just about enough of you.

-Now, take your seat. -You've had about enough of me?

First you delay me, then you bump me.

I can't wait to see what happens next.

Is this a coincidence or what? Have a seat.

I never did introduce myself. Del Griffith.

American Light and Fixture, Director of Sales, Shower Curtain Ring Division.

I sell shower curtain rings, the best in the world.

-And you are? -Neal Page.

Neal Page. Pleased to meet you, Neal Page.

So, what do you do for a living, Neal Page?

-Marketing. -Marketing? Super, super.

Fabulous. Isn't that nice?

Look, I don't want to be rude, but I'm not much of a conversationalist,

and I'd really like to finish this article. A friend of mine wrote it, so...

Don't let me stand in your way. Please, don't let me stand in your way.

The last thing I want to be remembered as is an annoying blabbermouth.

You know, nothing grinds my gears worse than some chowder-head

who doesn't know when to keep his big trap shut.

You catch me running off at the mouth, just give me a poke in the chops.

That feels good. Oh, God, I'm telling you.

My dogs are barking today.

That feels better.

Six bucks and my right nut says we're not landing in Chicago.

-Hello? -Hi.

-Where are you? -I'm in Wichita.

Wichita, Kansas? Are you all right? What happened?

We couldn't land in Chicago.

I don't understand what Wichita has to do with a snowstorm in Chicago.

-What's going on, Neal? -What's going on is I'm in Wichita.

We took off from New York, they closed Chicago, and we landed here.

Neal!

A little trouble on the home front?

I really don't think that's any of your concern.

You know, the finest line a man will walk

is between success at work and success at home.

I've got a motto, "Like your work. Love your wife."

Well, I'll remember that. What's the flight situation?

Simple. There's no way on earth we're going to get out of here tonight.

We'd have more luck playing pick-up-sticks with our butt cheeks

than we will getting a flight out of here before daybreak.

I guess we'll find out soon enough.

Yeah, but by the time the airline cancels this flight,

which they will, sooner or later,

you'd have more of a chance to find a three-legged ballerina

than you would a hotel room.

You're saying I could be stuck in Wichita?

I'm saying you are stuck in Wichita.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?

I'm sorry to announce that we're canceling flight 909

due to severe weather in Chicago.

Hi, I was wondering if you had any rooms available for tonight?

-Anything. Anything will do. -No, I'm sorry.

All right. Look, do you know of any other...

-Neal. -Hi.

Well? Welcome to Wichita.

-Did you book a room yet? -I couldn't get in anywhere.

As soon as we got off the plane, you called home, I called the Braidwood Inn.

-I missed that one. -I've got an idea.

I know the manager pretty well. I sold him some rings for his curtains.

If you want to pick up the cab fare, I'll make sure you get a room for the night.

-Yeah. Yeah, sure. Great. -All right.

Grab an end of this thing, will you? Thanks. Thanks a lot.

-Is this your trunk? -Yeah.

You should try lugging this thing around New York City.

Where the hell is the motel?

-Doobie, is it much farther? -Not much.

Why didn't you take the Interstate?

You said your friend had never been around here,

so I just figured he'd like to look around.

You don't see nothing on the Interstate but the Interstate.

-It's the middle of the night. -I know. I know.

But he's proud of his town. You know, that's a damn rare thing these days.

Take care of the luggage, will you, Doobie?

Okay, Del.

Stick with me.

Evening, Gus.

Del Griffith! How the hell are you?

Well, I'm still a million bucks shy of being a millionaire.

Gus, I want you to meet an old friend of mine. This is Neal Page.

-Neal, Gus Mooney. -Glad to meet you, Nick.

-Nice to meet you. -Gus, I told my friend here

that you'd be able to fix him up with a room for the night.

Do you have a major credit card?

Do you still honor those discount credit cards for the rooms?

Yeah, well, I'll have to charge you for a double,

but with the discount it'll come out even.

Well, there you go. That's pretty good. We're saving money already.

We're a pretty good team.

We were on our way to Chicago from New York,

-and the storm brought us here. -I know all about it.

I must have half your flight booked in already.

Well, I guess you're all fixed. So, here you are.

Last room in the complex.

You mean share?

Yeah. Great. All right.

Easy on that. Okay.

It was a hell of a cab ride, wasn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, it was a great cab ride.

You don't see cabs like that too often, you know?

-Do you want to take a shower? -No!

No, I meant if you want to go first, you know?

-You thought I... I wouldn't... -No, go ahead.

What do you think I am? God, no.

Gee, that's funny. That's funny.

Come... Come on!

Excuse me.

I'd switch pillows with you, but I'm allergic to sponge.

I got a bad allergy to it. I'd be sneezing all night with that thing.

That's why I carry my own pillow. It's hypoallergenic.

I had no idea those beer cans were going to blow like that.