You're the Worst

Yes!

He went to wipe it away, and she said, "No. Leave it."

And there it lay, like a raindrop, tremulous,

quivering...

on the hood of her father's beloved Aston Martin.

Okay.

Ugh! My car's doing that thing

where if I take my hands off the steering wheel

for more than, like, ten seconds at a time,

it starts dripping all over the rug.

This came for you.

What?! We can litter in our own front yard now?!

So...

my boss wants me to take this new client out.

Oh, I swear to God, the last thing I need

is another crazy high-maintenance musician.

Oh, my God! I just got some video of a raccoon

running down our street with two fistfuls of Chinese food.

The Internet is gonna go bonkers for Chow Mein Raccoon.

Oh, hey, this came for you.

I know. It's trash.

What is it? My father's ashes.

Oh, I have to!

Okay.

Oh!

Oh, Jimmy! Ew! Ew!

It's all chunky!

Oh, there's a note.

Oh, hey, guys, sorry, I-I don't have

my pot card yet, so...

Eject.

"Shitty Jimmy,

"here's Dad's ashes.

"He wanted you to have a memorial for him,

because you're rich and talk good."

You gonna do it? Absolutely.

I'm gonna just stop writing my book because

my father thinks I should throw him a memorial service

despite forgetting my birthdays five through 33.

Quick, let's rent the Coolhaus truck!

Jimmy, you know I'm here if you ever want to...

Have sex? Great. Let's go.

Okay. But I have a meeting later.

So just keep me clean from... here up.

This...

is Raul.

He's interested in playing with us.

So, we're all playing?

Well, you'll be watching me and Raul playing.

And absolutely, down the line...

we could do whatever your thing is.

Well, actually... Yeah, down the line.

I don't know if I can do this.

I mean, I don't even like

watching other men put gas in my car.

But you said! I'm sorry. I just can't.

Maybe we could get a couple's massage.

Or I saw a Groupon

for boudoir photography.

I could wear a fedora.

You could be my client

whose legs go all the way down to the floor.

That sounds...

fine.

May I have this dance?

See?

We still have spark.

I'd dip you, but my stitches might pop out.

Honestly, Gretchen, I never cared about publicity.

I mean, I was always just Ben Folds,

regular guy from North Carolina who plays piano

and smokes a pretty decent pork shoulder.

Anyway, since I've relocated to L.A.,

I guess I have to play the game now.

So here we are.

I got to say,

I was half expecting you to be another high-maintenance diva.

Oh, no, you're probably thinking of Ben Kweller.

I'm so sorry, but I-I really love your music.

No, no, no, no, I'm sorry. It means a lot to me and my son.

Mr. Folds and I are in a... It's okay, it's okay.

What's his name?

Uh, Riley.

Riley. And what's Riley's thing?

He's, uh, pretty into baseball.

Yeah?

Wow! I had no idea you were also an artist.

You're everywhere, man!

Well, maybe I'll run into you again.

Wow! You were so nice to him.

A girl once asked

my client Sam for his autograph,

and he threw her crutches into traffic.

Oh, I don't know about all that, Gretchen.

I-I'm just a regular guy from North Carolina

who plays piano and smokes a pretty decent pork shoulder.

Got to say, Dad, the work is flowing

like it's never flowed before.

Okay.

Settle in.

"Normally, she hated to be on top.

"She liked the weight of a man pressing down on her,

"the liberation of not having real agency in the shameful act.

"But to be astride the man was the only way she could keep

"her gaze trained on the two-way mirror.

"Because when Kitty looked into her reflection

"and met her eyes,

"she knew she was also meeting Simon's eyes.

Her brother's eyes."

Whoa!

You did not see that one coming, did you?

Okay, that's it, we're having a funeral.

Your butt's gonna have a funeral when I'm through with it.

Jimmy, clearly you need some closure.

My therapist told me about this.

Apparently, if you don't deal with your emotional crap,

it can mess your shit up later.

Fine.

Uh, we'll invite a few people over,

and then call it a day.

You have to make a speech. Ack!

The note said you talk good.

Everybody know Jimmy talk real good.

Next we have Item 7-A, which is the reading...

Whoa! What?

What?

Okay.

City Council Member Todd Winterer

initiated legislation regarding a bus accident,

but Council Member Pam O'Connel abstained.

Pam O'Connel!

Who recommended the purchase

of two natural gas street sweepers.

But guess who voted nay.

Todd Winterer.

Now, ask yourself why.

Well, because...

That must be the food.

Oh, my.

You're not the food delivery person.

Paul. What's going on?

Lindsay, I know how important

this is to you, so...

I found the gentleman you picked out on the Web site.

We FaceTimed, and he's very nice.

He goes to Loyola Marymount.

Go Lions.

Paul.

Anything for our family.

Okay, so I don't know how this works.

Is there, like, a discussion about what's appropriate?

Or, uh...

Go sit over there.

Okay.

So what I found is that marijuana really helps me

with my symptoms, and I-I was just wondering

if there's some sort of form I could fill out to make sure

that it doesn't interfere with my other benefits.

You just walked into a government building

and asked if we'd be cool with you taking illegal drugs.

Maybe on your way home

you can stop at the DMV

and ask if they'll let you steal some cars.

Well, pot is legal in California.

Oh.

You mean the independent nation of California?

Is that the army you fought for?

The Army of California?

How'd they pay you?

Avocados and screenplays?

Wait. So are you saying that I can't use marijuana medicinally,

even though it's legal in this state?

I said no such thing.

So I can use it?

I don't know.

All I know is that...

: marijuana is a Schedule 1 narcotic.

And you're asking me,

a government employee, if you can take it.

Let's call the police and ask them.

No, they won't have... Hey, police.

Which federally illegal drugs

can this guy take that will be cool with the V.A.?

They want to talk to you.

Number 83.

Is that your eulogy?

Of sorts.

I've prepared a list of heckles.

Jimmy, shouldn't a eulogy be heartfelt?

All my father ever did was take the piss.

But I like the area you're in.

How about, "Dad, I hope you truly do rest in peace"?

Oh.

As opposed to how you usually rest,

in a pair of urine-soaked sweatpants.

Jimmy!

It's me, Freddy.

I worked with your dad at the plant.

Oh, yes, now I remember you.

You and dad used to show up at school