The Caretaker

That's what they're crying out for.

Er...

I'd've cracked me 'ead on that pavement if he'd've landed.

It's a filthy state!

An old man like me!

They resent me.

That Scotch git!

Comes up to me, parks a bucket of rubbish at me.

Tells me to take it out the back.

It's not my job to take out the bucket.

They've got a boy there to take out that bucket.

I wasn't engaged to take out buckets.

My job's cleaning the floors, clearing up the tables,

doing a bit of washing-up.

Nothing to do with taking out buckets.

I told him what to do with his bucket, didn't I?

Did you hear what I said to the guv'nor after he give me the bullet?

"Look here," I said, "I got my rights."

And I told him that.

I might've been on the road, but nobody's got more rights than I have.

"Let's have a bit of fair play," I said.

Anyway, he give me the bullet.

I tell you, if you hadn't come out and stopped that Scotch git,

I'd be inside the 'ospital now.

I'd've cracked me 'ead on that pavement if he'd've landed.

I'd've cracked me bastard 'ead!

Do you want to sit down for a couple of minutes?

Lucky you come into that caff.

I've been left for dead more than once!

What's this, then?

I, er...

Where I live.

Couple of minutes?

Yeah, that'll be all right.

I wouldn't say no to that.

The whole thing's interfered with me plans now, you see?

You see what I mean?

Look at all this bastard ice!

Hey?

I mean... when's it gonna go?

I've got to work things out again now, see?

That Scotch git!

I tell you, if I see him again, I'll...

I'll poke him one in the bloody eye, I'll tell you that.

He's got no right to treat me like that.

Oh, another thing I could do, I could get down to Kensington Oval.

See, I've got to start thinking things out

- all over again now, you see? - Up here.

All the way up.

Filthy skate!

An old man like me. I've had dinner with the best.

They got no respect, you see?

- Sit down. - Thanks.

- Er... - Oh, just a minute.

Sit down? I haven't had a good sit-down...

Haven't had a proper sit-down...

- Well, I couldn't tell you. - Here you are.

All them blacks, they keep you running around all night.

You don't get a chance for a sit-down.

That Scotch git!

Ten minutes off for tea break in the middle of the night in that place

and I couldn't find a seat, not one.

All them blacks 'ad it.

Blacks, Greeks, Poles, all them aliens 'ad it.

Take a seat.

Yes, well, what I got to do first, you see,

what I got to do, I got to loosen myself up. You see what I mean?

I could have got done in down there!

- Do you want to roll yourself one of these? - What?

Er, no. No thanks, I never smoke a cigarette.

I tell you what, though, I'll have a bit of that tobacco there for me pipe if you like.

- Yes. Go on, take some out of there. - Thanks, that's kind of you, mister.

Er, just enough to fill me pipe, that's all.

All them toerags, mate, they've got the manners of pigs.

I might've been on the road a few years, but you can take it from me, I'm clean.

I keep meself up.

That was why I left my wife.

Fortnight after I married her -

no, not so much as that, no more than a week -

I took the lid off a saucepan.

Do you know what was in it?

Pile of her underclothing, unwashed.

Where shall I put it?

I'll take it.

- A pan for vegetables, it was. - A vegetable pan.

That's when I left her and I haven't seen her since.

I'd've cracked me 'ead on that pavement if he'd've landed. That Scotch git!

I've seen the day I was as handy as any of 'em.

They didn't take any liberties with me!

I'll get 'im. One night, I'll get 'im.

When I find myself around that direction.

I wouldn't mind so much, but I left all me belongings in that place.

All of 'em, the lot there was, you see, in this bag in the back room there.

Every lousy, blasted bit of all me bleedin' belongings, I left down there now.

In the rush of it.

Bet he's having a good poke around in it now, this very minute.

I'll pop down sometime, and I'll pick 'em up for you.

Anyway, I'm obliged to you, letting me, er...

Letting me have a bit of a rest, like, for a few minutes.

- This your room? - Yes.

- You've got a good bit of stuff here. - Yes.

There's enough of it.

There's a good bit of it, all right.

You sleep here, do you?

Yes.

- What, in that? - Yes.

Yes, well, you'll be well out of the draught there.

You don't get much wind.

Yeah, you'll be well out of it.

Different when you're kippin' out.

Yes.

When the wind gets up, it's...

Gets very draughty.

This your house, then, is it?

I'm in charge.

You the landlord, are you?

I noticed there was someone living in the house next door.

Yes.

Family of Indians live there.

Blacks?

I don't see much of them.

Blacks?

I'll tell you what, mate...

You haven't got a spare pair of shoes?

Shoes?

Them bastards at the monastery let me down again.

Where?

Down at Luton. Er, monastery down at Luton.

I got a mate at Shepherd's Bush, you see?

I might have a pair.

I got this mate at, er, Shepherd's Bush... er, in the convenience.

Well, he was in the convenience. He... He ran about the best convenience they got.

He ran about the best one.

Always used to slip me a bit of soap, any time I went in there.

Very good soap. They, er, they had to have the best soap.

I was never without a piece of soap...

any time I happened to be knocking around the Shepherd's Bush area.

Pair of brown.

He's gone now. Er... went.

It was him as put me onto this monastery just the other side of Luton.

He'd heard they give away shoes.

You've got to have a good pair of shoes.

Shoes? It's life and death to me.

I had to go all the way down to Luton in these.

What happened when you got there?

Do you know what that bastard monk said to me?

How many more blacks have you got round here, then?

- What? - You got any more blacks around here?

See if these are any good.

Do you know what that bastard monk said to me?

I think those'd be a bit small.

- Would they? - They don't look the right size.

- Not bad trim. - Can't wear shoes that don't fit.

Nothing worse.

I said to this monk...

"Here," I said, "Er, look here, er, mister," I said.

He... He opened the door. Big door. He opened it.

"Look," I said, "I come all the way down 'ere..."

Er, I showed 'im these.

"You haven't got a pair of shoes," I said,

"a pair of shoes enough to keep me on me way?"

Er, "Look at these," I said, "they're nearly out, they're no good to me."

"I 'eard you got a stock of shoes down 'ere."

"Piss off," he says to me.

"Now look 'ere," I said, "I'm an old man," I said.

"You ain't got no right to talk to me like that. I don't care who you are."

"If you don't piss off," he says, "I'll kick you all the way to the gates."

"Now look," I said, "now wait a minute."

"All I'm asking for is a pair of shoes. Don't start taking liberties with me."

"It's taken me three days to get out 'ere, three days without a bite."

"I'm worth a bite to eat, aren't I?"

"Get out round the corner to the kitchen," he says. "Get out! Round the corner!"

"When you've had your meal, piss off out of it."

"Meal?" I said, "What do you think I am, a dog?

"Nothing better than a dog?"

"What do you think I am, a wild animal?"

"What about all them shoes I come all the way down 'ere to get,"

"I heard you was giving away?"

"I've a good mind to report you to your mother superior."

Another of 'em, an Irish hooligan, come at me.

I cleared out. I took a shortcut to Watford, picked up a pair there.

I got onto the North Circular, just past Hendon,

the sole come off, right where I was walking.

Lucky I 'ad me old ones wrapped up, er... still carrying them.

Otherwise I'd've been finished, man.

So I've 'ad to stay with these.

- They're gone. They're no good. - All the good's gone out of 'em.

Try these.

Not a bad pair of shoes.

This leather's 'ardy, in't it? Very 'ardy.

Bloke tried to flog me some suede the other day.

I wouldn't wear 'em. Can't beat leather for wear.

Suede goes off. It creases.

It stains for life in five minutes.

You can't beat leather.

Yes.

- Good shoe, this. - Good.

Don't fit, though.

- Oh. - No, you see, I got a very broad foot.

These are a bit, er, pointed, you see?