Modern Family

Howdy!

Welcome to the Thanksgiving country jamboree!

- Wow. - We got the whole Dunphy clan,

Claire, Phil, Luke, Alex and...

Well, and who is this happy farmhand?

I'm Jerry.

Jerry used to live next door.

He's been going through a brutal divorce for years,

and he was gonna spend Thanksgiving alone.

Phil thought it'd be a good idea

if he spent the day with a happy, functional family.

We couldn't find one, so he's coming with us.

So, where's Haley?

She's with Rainer.

They've been seeing a lot of each other, which is great.

Funny thing is, he was my friend first,

but now I never see him. Or Haley.

Phil. It's what everybody's thinking.

I don't want people walking on eggshells

'cause he was my friend first, but now I never see him.

Or Haley.

I'm only allowed to see my children once a week.

I hardly know them.

Oh, well, Clark's head of the math club,

and Tina's turned into a bit of a slut.

Thanks for the update.

- Okay, there they are! - Hi!

Don't y'all look as pretty as a peach pie

on a Sunday afternoon?

For the love of God,

this is the last thing I need today.

Hey, Flavor Flav, what's up with the giant watch?

It's my doctor being a pain in the butt.

One high reading, I got this thing

taking my blood pressure all day.

Wait, are you okay?

No.

He needs to quit cigars and the terrible food.

Last week, I caught him in the garage

eating a Polish sausage.

What a man does behind his water heater

is his own business.

Don't worry about it. I've got it beat.

Here's my trick.

As soon as this thing goes off,

I start singing sweet '70s soft rock

to mellow myself out.

Those songs could do anything.

Seals and Crofts came on,

lady's bell bottoms came off.

- Well... - Hey, y'all.

Anybody have a hankering for a hush puppy?

Oh, geez.

* Summer breeze

* Makes me feel fine

- What is going on here? - * Blowing through the jas-

It's a Thanksgiving jamboree!

We have bales of hay. We have a cider press.

Ooh, we're even deep-frying a turkey.

And you're on board with this?

Yes! Come on, it's good country fun.

No.

For Cam, maybe.

What is happening? Is he hitting you?

No.

You did something, didn't you?

You did!

I didn't do anything.

I'm... I'm loving this, okay?

Mm-hmm.

That takes practice.

No, I am not leaving here until you tell me what you did.

Can I get you a mason jar of Chardonnay?

Giddy up.

Mr. Student Council President,

have you had a chance to look at my proposal

updating the honor code to address cyber-bullying?

One second.

Why would you call me that?

Luke somehow beat me in the election for president,

and I still can't get over it.

Not to be hyperbolic, but humans are a decade away

from fighting apes on horseback.

You're trying to tell me

that there's absolutely nothing weird going on here?

You are dressed like a character

out of "It's Raining Mice and Men."

I don't know what you're talking about.

I am enjoying this more than a farm animal

missing a limb engaged in...

some sort of activity.

Okay, I did something bad.

I knew it.

Yeah, yeah, something real bad.

I need Cam in a good mood before I tell him.

Is it infidelity? If feels like infidelity.

- I can't say. - Hey, Mitchell?

It's your turn to feel the burn on the churn!

Well, then I "butter" get over there.

Okay, come on!

Hey, Dwight.

Ma'am.

So, did they just happen to have this costume

lying around in your size?

Weirdly, they did.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, Dwight

has one of the most important games of his season next week

and I can't have you getting him sick.

Yeah, I'm over the mono.

But it could still be contagious,

and I have a fun costume idea for you.

How about being an old-timey bank robber?

You gotta cover that face before the marshal gets to town.

Hi! Oh, what happened?

Oh, nothing, just a Korean laser peel.

Hurt like hell, but once the skin regenerates,

it's gonna take 10 years off these moneymakers.

Hey! There she is.

Thanks for dropping her off.

Uh, actually, Rainer's daughter is with her mom,

so I invited him to spend Thanksgiving with us.

I am loving this country theme!

This reminds me of when I worked for Newscenter Twelve

in Tulsa, except no one here's bitter and drunk.

Gosh, I would hate for you to feel weird, though,

since this is just for family.

Isn't that our old neighbor, Jerry,

stuffing appetizers into a ziplock?

You know what, Rainer? You are more than welcome to stay.

Thank you.

Okay, well, I guess the main thing

is all the Dunphys are here.

Hey, Rainer, what's the weather going to be like for tomorrow?

Clear and sunny skies, highs in the mid 70s,

but hang onto that umbrella 'cause Monday...

Yeah, I just needed tomorrow,

because that's when we're having our big family football game.

Remember last year?

We ran that play?

The Haley Mary?

Uh, but tomorrow we're supposed...

To have sunny weather? Yeah, you said that.

Rainer's taking me to Cabo for the weekend.

So, I had a problem.

I wasn't sure if my hairdryer

ran on Mexican electricity.

Oh, and telling my dad.

I had two problems.

**

Doctors call it "hysterical impotence."

There's nothing physically wrong, per se.

But because of my divorce trauma,

I guess I'm rewired down there.

I get it.

Okay, city slickers,

guess who has a genuine petting zoo in the backyard?

* Summer breeze

* Makes me feel fine

All right!

Wow!

Animals!

Oh, Cam, and you had the scarecrow

made to look like Mitch!

No, no, no, no, my mom sent that out from Missouri.

I grew up with that.

I even learned how to dance with it.

I guess, now that you mention it, I do have a-a type.

Hey, what's on this goat's head?

That's my big idea...

A camera to capture everyone's delight!

Guess what I call it.

Goat-Pro?

That's also a... good name, yep.

Look, Joe. This is a goat.

Aah, I'm scared!

No, no, no, there's nothing to be scared of.

That's the way he says, "I love you."

Of all the animals, this one is the one

that sounds the most like an informant being tortured.

I cannot have another son that is afraid of animals.

When Manny was 5, he went to a petting zoo

with a backpack full of truffle popcorn.

By the time they pulled the pigs off him

he was only wearing one sock.

Joe, relax.

Animals don't attack people for no reason.

Let go of me! Oh, let go of me!

Run, Jerry! They do terrible things! Shh!

Ohh!

Hey. Good news.

The box of hair products we pre-shipped has arrived

and is waiting for us at the resort.

I don't care about our hair anymore.

Hey! That's crazy talk.

I still haven't gotten up the guts to tell my parents.

My mom will be cool, but my dad is gonna freak out.

Well, I'll tell him.

Your dad and I are buds.

And I am excellent at delivering bad news with a smile.

And that means the Coast Guard