What We Do in the Shadows

No. Naughty. Naughty.

Cravensworth's Monster

has entered a remarkable new phase of development.

He's horny.

- No. - For a creature

entirely cobbled together

- with cadaver parts... - Naughty boy.

...his drive to fornicate

is phenomenal.

Okay, just make it quick.

Like I said, he's horny.

So we have decided this monster needs a bride.

So, we've started building him a bride,

but with the...

And now he's going to town on himself again.

Oh. Stay in the two-shot, please.

He's got his hand in the cookie jar.

Stop fucking doing that.

- Now, where were we? - Dude's horny.

Guillermo and I have decided to join forces

to fight crime together.

Technically, I have not agreed to that yet.

Do you not like the crime-fighting outfit

I got you for your secret identity?

Are you ready, Cowboy Kid?

Let's clean up this city.

Very nice.

I don't think anyone's gonna be afraid

of Kid Cowboy.

They will when his partner shows up.

And who are you supposed to be again?

They call me The Phantom Menace.

No. That's already taken.

Shit.

We will track down evildoers

from our secret underground lair.

Wow. Look at that.

Wh-Where exactly is this lair?

Deep, deep under the ground,

like 1,000 feet down under the house.

- Uh-huh. - Now, there will be a secret lever

on my coffin.

When I pull it,

the floor opens up, and the coffin

goes down, like an elevator.

- That's cool. - Mm.

- Thank you. - I don't think you need a lair, though.

Then where am I supposed to put my super computer?

- Hmm? - Your what?

My super computer.

The lair is really the best bit.

Sounds fun, but I think I know how this ends up.

This ends up with me doing all the work.

- It's gonna be equal partnership. - How so?

- You do some stuff. I do some stuff. - Got it. Great.

Settled.

Then, if I am too busy, then you can do some of my stuff.

There it is.

We've assembled about 90%

of the Monster's bride-to-be,

but once again, we need the right head.

Fortunately, the Monster has shown us his preference.

He's made it pretty obvious which way he swings.

For you, me lady.

Right. It appears our Monster

has just torn off his own penis

and presented it to The Guide as a gift.

Again.

This dude loves The Guide,

but so does Nandor,

and so, we've asked Nadja

to see if he would mind if The Guide... you know.

Hmm... How do I put this?

I mean, I do think

that there is a part of The Guide that does love Nandor.

- Mm. - So, how's about,

with the parts that don't love you,

maybe we do something else with those.

Sorry, what? What do you mean by that?

We're hoping he won't object

to The Guide donating her head

for the creation of the bride of Cravensworth's Monster.

And her-her...

And her... boobs.

I mean, most of her... attributes, and--

- I think we're done. - What's that?

I think we've got everything we need.

- Oh? - All right. Absolutely.

Good stuff.

If you had to pick a part

that you wanted...

- Mm-hmm. - I think we have what we need.

Oh. Sure.

- Oh, okay, yeah. Um... - No problemo.

Take my microphone there. - Have a good one.

Thank you.

There we go.

Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me.

- Hey. - Wassup?

What's going on? I just heard the crew saying

that the documentary is ending?

The-- What?

Well, it has been six years, Guillermo.

They said they have enough footage now.

Why? We're in the middle

of everything, and just-- that's it?

- Like... it's done? - Well, you know,

- all good things must come to an end. - Preach.

Does anyone else feel a draft in here?

- I felt something. - Okay, what are we doing?

- What's our game plan here? - I don't know.

We could throw another log on the fireplace.

- No, not that. - Or wrap ourselves up in a cozy quilt.

No, you guys, don't you think it's weird that we've been

doing this, and it's all of a sudden just ending?

Just, poof, it's just done. It all ends. What?

This is not the end of anything.

We will keep doing

what we always do.

It's just these, um, camera, microphone people

will no longer be filming it.

Well, that's what I'm talking about. You know, we've been

doing this for so long, like, years of our lives, like,

don't you think it's a little weird...

Laszlo!

Maybe not quite now.

Guillermo clearly needs his diaper changing.

I'm not wearing a diaper. It's just that it's so

sudden, you know, and-- When were you gonna tell me,

by the way? Were you ever gonna tell me?

Am I the last person to know? All of a sudden,

it's just, poof!

It's hardly gone poof, Guillermo.

- Okay. - The crew will be filming

for at least another couple of hours to get some B-roll.

You're leaving in a couple of hours?

Yes, at sunrise.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

That reminds me, get some B-roll footage

of me reading this big book.

Eh, Guillermo, you know,

two hours is more than enough to finish anything

you could possibly want to do for the cameras.

Do you want to do a little show-and-tell for us?

Or maybe, uh, you could sing a little song.

My lady wife's right. Sing a little song.

Do a little dance.

- Yeah, do a jig. Come on, jig. - Go on.

Come on, boy, dance.

- Take 'em off. - It's getting hot in here,

and I'm gonna get some fresh air.

- You've got the best moves. - Do a dance.

- Let's see what you've got. - Dance! Dance!

- Dance! Dance! - Yeah, do a jig.

- Dance, boy. - Shake it. - Bye, bitch.

Nandor.

- Hmm? I... - A private moment, please.

Come on.

Excuse us.

You need to go and talk to Guillermo now.

I was doing my B-roll.

Uh, what about this, guys?

Is this good for the edit?

- Hmm... - Nandor!

Listen to me.

I have actually learned a lot

about human psychology

from doing my, uh, big Wall Street job,

and I can tell that

Guillermo is actually very sad about the documentary ending.

Eh, he will get over it.

Or maybe he won't.

I guess we'll never know.

Kidding. We will know,

but you will not because you didn't bother filming it.

- Don't be rude. - What about...

Yes. Something like, uh...

- How's this? Is this anything? - Nandor! I'm serious.

These last six years are the only

slightly exciting thing to ever happen to Guillermo

in his whole sad life.

- What? - You know, it is like

the cameras pretending to film him,

it made him feel like he was as important as we are.

Mm...

It's like when you put a little raincoat on a dog,

and the dog is walking around thinking, "Oh!

Woof, woof. I am like a little human."

"I've got a coat on." But they're not.

They're just a little shit dog.

That is Guillermo,

and he's not going to have any of that anymore.

But I'm sure something interesting

will happen to Guillermo eventually.

Fine.

I will fix.

How are you guys doing with this whole thing ending?

Do you need to talk to someone or...? 'Cause I'm here.

There, there, buddy.

Listen, you know I'm not