Parks and Recreation

Meet Leslie Knope.

I am the pants queen!

Leslie loves whipped cream, dancing with friends,

and working hard for the Parks Department of Pawnee, Indiana.

- Cut it out, Tom. - It never gets old.

She also loves her coworkers at City Hall.

Ron Swanson.

Tom Haverford.

Tommy Timberlake.

April Ludgate.

My mom is Puerto Rican. That's why I'm so lively and colorful.

And Andy Dwyer.

Nailed it.

April and Andy like each other.

But when Andy accidentally kissed his ex-girlfriend, Ann Perkins,

April left.

Wait. April!

And he hasn't seen her since.

In the midst of all this love, two black hats rode into town.

Scientists believe that the first human being

who will live 150 years has already been born.

I believe I am that human being.

And they brought with them some disturbing news.

Effective tomorrow morning,

the entire government will be shut down until further notice.

What will Leslie do next?

Will April and Andy make up and make out?

Find out this season on Parks and Recreation.

Starting right now.

Ron. We're back.

Bully.

The bankrupt government of Pawnee has been shut down all summer,

so it's been three months of no work, no meetings,

no memos, no late nights, nothing.

I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Rounding up the team, so exciting.

I have goosebumps. Feel.

And that's why they call me Prince Charming.

Because I always find the glass slipper for my Cinderella.

These are way too tight.

Well, the real Cinderella didn't have hippo feet.

Tom, we're back.

Jeremy! Suck it!

By the way, I've been giving away free sports bras

to the girls at Hot Dog on a Stick.

Look, we can dance all day, but it's time to step up.

Are you buying 4,000 rubber nipples from me or not?

D, you have a visitor.

- We back? - We're back.

All right.

Jerry.

Oh, my gosh. Look who's here. Leslie.

The nightmare's over, Jerry. We're going back to work.

You're not going to need this anymore.

Come on!

I called shotgun. Everybody heard me.

Well, I am usually not one for speeches.

So, goodbye.

Break's over, mofos. Okay. Here's the situation.

We are operating on a shoestring budget.

Park services have been slashed.

But we are all still here.

And we have a job to do.

Make the world's biggest pizza.

No, make this town fun for the people who live here.

Fine, but after that, the pizza is our top priority.

- No, it's not. - We're getting pizza?

April, hey, it's me, Andy Dwyer.

This is like the 200th message I've left you, without a response.

So, if you're trying to tell me something,

I do not know what it is because you won't call me back.

It is truly great to see all of you, huh?

It's great news!

Okay. I have to run. Ben.

The bad news,

which I get to deliver, is this.

Your only work for the time being will be existing park maintenance.

So, that just means that we're in maintenance mode.

- Yeah! - Jerry!

Okay. See, I've spent the last few months brainstorming.

And I have some really great ideas and I put them in my idea binders.

I mean, they're color coded, for God's sake.

Okay. Actually, yeah. There is one thing that you will be doing.

Apparently, in Indiana, if you don't provide a basketball league,

people get very upset.

And quite frankly, throw things at you and call you names.

Like Turd-boy. Whatever.

The point is I reinstated youth basketball. Okay?

It says here you only have money for two teams?

Yeah. They're going to develop a great rivalry.

Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys into men,

from men into gladiators,

and from gladiators into Swansons.

Behold!

The Swanson Pyramid of Greatness.

I've been developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years.

It's a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement.

Categories include...

Capitalism. God's way of determining who is smart, and who is poor.

Crying. Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.

Rage. Poise. Property rights.

Fish, for sport only, not for meat.

Fish meat is practically a vegetable.

Haircuts. There are three acceptable haircuts.

High and tight. Crew cut. Buzz cut.

Are the scissors broken in your house, son?

So, are you happy to be back at work?

Well, our budget's been slashed to zero.

I tried to buy fertilizer the other day for the soccer field.

Request denied.

We literally can't buy...

I'm so sorry.

No. I mean, look, when we were kids,

the Parks Department would do these big projects.

Winter Jamboree, the Harvest Festival.

It's like they don't have faith in us anymore.

I'm not a paper pusher, Ann.

I need to be out in the streets, planting trees and cracking skulls.

Leslie Knope. Ann Perkins.

How are my two favorite people in this entire town?

Not good, Chris.

There was a whole line of people in my office

complaining that all their programs have been slashed.

Yeah, I know, it's terrible. Is there anything we can do about that?

- No. - Damn! Sorry, Leslie.

Ann, could I talk to you for a minute?

So, how's it going?

Save it. Okay? I know you don't have faith in me and my department,

and that's fine.

But don't expect me to sit here and chitchat with you.

- All right. Fair enough. - Go the other way.

But I'm just going to that... All right, I'll...

Look. I'm very flattered. But again, I don't think I should go out with you.

Can I ask you why not?

Because I thought we had a great time the night you got drunk and kissed me.

And you did use your tongue.

I just don't think I'm in a place to go out with anyone right now.

Okay. Well, if you change your mind, you know where to find me, Ann Perkins.

- Leslie Knope. - Yes.

Did he ask you out again?

He did. He did. He is nothing if not persistent.

And hot. He's very... He's pretty hot.

Yeah, he's hot. But he's intense.

But he's really, really hot. But he's your boss.

Oh, my God. I just thought of an idea of how we can save the Parks Department.

- Great. - Let me ask you one question.

Would you be cool doing things that a prostitute does?

Minus the money?

- Definitely yes, then. - Thanks, Ann.

Looking sharp. Beautiful. The backboard is your friend.

I'd say my coaching style is centered around fundamentals,

with an emphasis on fun.

Hey, watch this.

Go get it. Yeah!

And a second emphasis on mental.

Yeah, it can be hard work.

But every time I look one of these kids in the eyes and he calls me Coach...

That's how I know I agreed to be a coach.

- Mouse Rat! - Mouse Rat!

- Carnage! - Carnage!

Okay, gentlemen. It's time for the pre-game coin toss.

There's no coin toss in basketball. Are those women's sneakers?

Yes, they are, Ron. You know what?

They fit better, I got an employee discount, and the best part is

no one can tell.

All right, let's do this.

Match point. Touchdown. Et cetera.

Yeah. Go, Lightning. All right.

Okay. I like what you're wearing, but I need it to be 300% sexier.

Do you have any of those shirts that look wet all the time?

Or, like, a metal bikini?

You know what's always sexy? Fingerless gloves.

What about if I wear this normal, sane outfit?

Yeah. Okay, but you're going to have to eat something sexy, then.

- Like a banana. - For dinner?

Well, what's sexy food? Asparagus?

No, you know what's sexy?

Turkey chili.

Yeah.

And how exactly am I supposed to casually steer the conversation

towards the Parks Department budget?

Okay. It's totally easy.

Tell you what. You be Chris. I'll be you. I'll show you how it's done.

Okay.

Ann Perkins. You are wonderful and amazing and I'm happy to be here with you.

Thank you, Chris. I'm wearing a tuxedo vest with no shirt on underneath.

Oh-oh.

Can I get you a drink? I love every single beverage in the world.

I would like some wine.

And... Oops, my vest popped open.

Just like the budget needs to pop open

and you need to pour it into my Parks Department.

Great.

I am so excited that you finally agreed to go out with me.

What a magnificent flip-flop.

You're a magnificent asker-outer.

Tell me every single detail of your day.

I love dates.

I love connecting with someone. I love engaging them.

I love being surprised by them. I have never had a bad date.