Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa

Law offices.

You know what I want to be when I grow up?

What? - A fisherman.

I want to go fishing every day till I'm rich

so I can move right next door to the jailhouse,

so I can be close to my mommy.

She got arrested for drugs again, so she has to go back.

I'm sorry to hear that.

My mommy's breath smells so bad 'cause she smokes so much crack.

What do you think?

What do I think? About what?

My mommy's bad breath.

Maybe it'll get better.

Thank you. That helps.

Yeah. Yeah! Thanks for nothing, Derek.

What is the matter with you, Kimmie?

All right, come on. We got to go see your grandpa.

Not Grandpa. He's a kook!

Oh, my goodness. You are limber!

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Phew.

Thank you. - Thank you.

Ooh, well, hello! I think I know her.

Mmm...

Mr. Zisman?

Mr. Zisman.

- Mr. Zisman! - Hmm?

Hi.

I'm, uh, afraid I have some bad news.

Your wife, she took a turn for the worse last night and she passed away.

I'm so sorry.

Oh!

I thought she'd never die.

I'm going to let you process this, and, uh, I'll be back in just a moment, okay?

Thank you. Thank you, Doc!

Don't get me wrong, I'm upset, but she was a crabby old bat.

Well, I'm sorry for your loss.

She hadn't given me any nookie since the '90s.

And then it was only out of spite.

She's in a much better place.

And I'm in a much better place.

Did you hear that, Leroy? We're free!

I'm free.

Hello, lady.

Thanks a lot.

Ooh.

Shit!

Oh.

Uh-oh. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

Miss.

Sir, can you help me? Can you help me, sir?

I don't expect you to understand,

but I have my penis stuck to the soda machine.

Gabriel! I'm stuck.

- What's wrong? - My penis is stuck in the machine!

Gabriel! Help me!

Help me! Ah! Gabriel!

Gabriel!

Sir. Could you help me, sir?

This nigga's dick's stuck in the machine, yo!

Please don't announce it!

It's fucking embarrassing!

Can you help me instead of announcing?

- (LAUGHING) - Please! It's not funny!

It's not funny!

Help! Give me a hand!

Sir.

- Could you help me? - What you want?

I'm in a bad situation.

I gotta get unstuck! (SCREAMS)

Can you help?

Jiggle my shoulders.

Jiggle my shoulders. Ow! Ow!

- Nothing I can do. - Jiggle my...

Jiggle!

Jiggle! Ow! Ow.

Oh, my God.

Oh. Oh! He's trying to rip that dick out!

Oh, no!

- Stop! - Stop, man!

Sir?

Don't... It's not going to come out.

Fuck.

- (SCREAMING) - Don't! Quit pulling on it.

I got to get... Oh, God!

Ah!

Push! Push! God! Push! Push!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

You looking for something?

Yes, ma'am, I'm looking for a suit.

Okay.

Wow, what's your name?

- Judy. - Judy.

- Nice to meet you. - ...you are so beautiful.

- Thank you. - Oh, my goodness.

My wife just passed away.

- I'm sorry. - That's all right.

It wasn't the greatest marriage anyway, Judy.

That's why I'm gonna take a little me time now, Judy.

- And have some fun. - Uh-huh. See?

By fun, I mean banging the gong.

I might be too old to fry the rice, but I can still chop the suey, that's for sure.

How long does it take to do alterations?

Um... Do you need a hurry?

Uh, the funeral's tomorrow.

- Oh. Do you need a tie? - Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am.

Okay, what color the tie you likey?

Uh, I likey any color. You pick one out for me.

Well... How about that one right there?

- Uh... Which one? You mean this one? - Right there. Yes.

That looks like it's green.

- Oh, that's very nice. - Yeah. Okay?

- How much is that shirt? - Sixty-five.

- That's a lot of scratch. Forty per cent.

- Forty per cent. - That's a lot of scratch.

- So, forty per cent. - Yeah.

Is that a squirrel right there?

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

- You got me, you got me. - Yup, I got you good.

- You got me. - Yup, I got you over a felony.

- Oh, God. - Have a seat.

Yes, sir.

- Do not get up out of that chair. - Yes, sir.

I apologize.

Get my shit off.

Get your shit off?

Get my shirt off. Get my coat off. Get my pants off.

I gotta take your pants off?

- You better believe it. - Well, that sounds a little weird.

Go in here and get the damn pants off.

You want me to take your pants off, that seems a little weird.

Thank you, kind people, for being here today.

I never thought my wife's funeral would be filled with complete strangers,

but we've outlived all our friends.

I was hoping my daughter and grandson could make it but...

They didn't.

So, I would especially like to thank the choir and caterers,

and all the nice people sitting before me.

Thank you.

I wished you could have seen the young Ellie, the woman I fell in love with.

She was like a flash of bright light.

A callipygian princess who drew people to her like a magnet.

And for those of you who don't know what callipygian means,

it means she has a nice bottom.

Ooh. - (MAN CHUCKLES)

She did. - (LAUGHING)

I wish I had more time with her.

I wish so much of our time had not been consumed by combat.

I wish I 'd tried a little harder to make that happen.

- Because she's gone now. - (DOOR OPENS)

And our history on this earth has been written...

Baby.

Hi, sweetie.

- Hi, buddy. - Hi.

Sit.

This is my daughter and grandson.

Can I have a word with you?

Yeah, I'm in the middle of something.

Billy, just stay there for a second.

I just want to talk to your granddad outside.

Okay, Mom.

I'm sorry. Excuse me.

Hi, Billy.

(OVER SPEAKERS) What's so important?

Listen, I'm sorry that she's dead and everything,

but I'm in some serious shit, okay?

What is it this time? - You tell him about the microphone.

Don't even start that with me! Not now!

Okay? It wasn't even my fault!

This cop, he's got a bug up his ass,

and then they give me this public defender who's a fucking idiot!

And...

Sir, excuse me. The microphone is on.

Please, just give me a moment. Just give me a moment.

Look, I violated my parole and now they're gonna send me to jail.

I just need you to take Billy across the country

so he can be with his dad for a while. Okay?

What?

I can't have Bobby with me now. I'm in mourning!

It's Billy. Billy!

How am I supposed to know what his name is?

You never brought him around!

And when you did bring him around, he pissed every bed in the house.

I don't pee my bed anymore.

I cannot have Billy with me now.

I am a free man for the first time in 46 years

and I can't be saddled with that cockblock!

That's just fine.