Before Someone Gets Hurt

No! No! Aah!

Did you hear that?

What was that?

I definitely heard that.

Are we up there? No one is supposed to be up there.

Gary?

Go for Gary.

Is there anyone walking above us,

or walking on the staircase?

Uh... I got no movement.

I got no one above you. Hold on.

Hey, Tim?

- Go for Tim. - Location check.

Third floor. Client's bedroom.

Nothing here. We're about to enter the east hallway.

The girls reported something above them.

I can't verify. You want to take a look?

On it.

So, what we do is look for logical explanations.

When we checked the door and the floorboards,

if you notice the blackout screen in front of your window,

the window, which was open, down the hall...

the bathroom window is also open.

It's a cross breeze.

Door slammed shut on its own.

The house has rectangular duct work

attached to your forced air heating system.

Now, you see that square piece?

So, when it heats up it expands, causing it to flex.

And sometimes the duct work will flex in a row,

similar to dominoes, but with sound.

Hence, ducts are expanding.

No ghost?

- No ghost. - This time.

Okay? We good?

- Yeah. - Great. Okay, let's cut it.

Whoa! Okay, pump the brakes.

I'm the only one who says cut.

No. But, okay, what else do you want?

Something pithier.

I heard elephant pith is a natural shampoo.

And you need to start being on time.

Thank you so much, Bruce and Linda.

I hope you feel better about living in your home.

You won't make us look like complete idiots on TV?

No, no, God, of course not. I would've been scared too

with what was going on in your house.

But luckily you dodged a bullet, and it's nothing.

Well, thank you.

Thank you. All right, we'll talk to you soon.

Safe home. Bye-bye now.

All right, I have an announcement to make,

and it's not a done deal yet,

but we are in negotiations with SYFY.

- No way. - Get out! Really?

Bullshit.

Yeah, so, if it's not too much to ask,

please do what I say.

If I ask for a little more epigrammatic...

That's another word for "elephant pith."

...just indulge me,

that is, if you want to get off the Internet

and onto national television. Yeah?

Okay, so they want more behind-the-scenes stuff,

so cameras on all the time.

Let's go, I want to go over what we have for our next shoot.

Hey, check out this address.

It's 311 Lenox Ave., Edgemont Hills, New York.

Whoa, looks like in the last 300 years

there have been 14 unsolved murders at this address.

Neighbors swear that the place is haunted,

and it is currently vacant.

That's it. Lisa, get us in 311 Lenox Ave.

in Edgemont Hills.

The usual, three days.

Billy, go up early and set up cable and audio.

Stacy, Lisa, I want you to research,

find out everything you can about the history of this place.

All right, let's go.

- What? - Can you define early?

Hey, James.

Hey, Jamie.

- Yeah? - Can you help me out with this?

- With what? - I think I broke something.

I don't know, I think there's, like, a short here?

- What'd you do with it? - It's like right there.

Ah!

What the heck, man?

Electrocution is funny.

- You don't get to do that. - It was a joke.

- I'll buy him another coffee. - That's not the point.

You got to stop screwing around, it's not cute anymore.

- You do that stuff all the time. - Grow up.

You know, it's funny, I thought older brothers

were supposed to be supportive,

but you never got that memo, did you?

It's okay, though. I forgive you, I forgive you.

From now on I'll be a team player.

No more shenanigans, no more pot.

The house shakes...

it was a good talk.

Ah, baby steps.

Okay.

Oh!

Shit.

Ah, here we go.

All the way.

Going to the house, doing all the things.

Happy birthday, baby.

It's my birthday.

Right, and what greater gift could I give you?

Wow, so, so benevolent of you.

Nothing could ever change now.

- Okay, resume. - Okay.

Oh...

wait, wait, let me check.

- We got to go. - All right.

Is this the, um, permit place?

What kind of permit?

I'm with a show.

I'm with Ghost Investigations.

We have a permit.

Waiting.

It's not ready yet.

Okay, um...

do you guys have a john?

And I don't mean a corporate closeted married guy

looking for a cheap BJ, you know?

I don't sell my body anymore.

Not since I found the Lord, our savior, Jesus Christ.

That way. Thank you.

Okay.

Hey, all right.

Here we go.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

That's a nice touch.

You're talented.

Right next to the portrait of the fake flowers.

Will somebody call him, please?

Will you relax? He's coming.

See? There he is.

Hey, guys. Sorry.

Glad you could join us.

Wait. Damn it, I forgot something.

- Seriously? - I'll be right back.

- Oh, my God! - Oh! Oh!

Oh, my God. Someone call 911.

Are you serious?

Dude, I had you.

- No, you didn't, okay? - Not even a little bit?

Not even a little bit.

Hey, you have no credibility for giving your brother shit

- if you're going to fuck around. - I told you I'm good.

- Get... no, get off me. - Kiss it, make it better.

Ew, yuck! I can't. No.

- Here, have a hand job. Go. - Thank you.

Finally.

Ready?

We're on our way to 311 Lenox Avenue.

There have been 14 unexplained deaths there.

Wait a second, I'm just going to make a...

And action.

Okay, we're on our way to 311 Lenox Avenue.

There have been 14 unexplained deaths there...

- Murders. - Murders there, since 1692.

And seven different structures have stood on the plot,

including a church originally.

I'm going to get some B roll

- of driving real quick. - Okay, great, great, yeah.

Okay, here's B roll of driving.

Oh, two bathrooms.

Fucking fancy.

Master bedroom.

Master.

So, 46 Hightown Road, did you say?

Forty four.

Forty four, right.

- Greenburg. - Greenburg.

Excuse me? Hi.

We're producers of the show Ghost Investigations.

We're here about a filming permit for 311 Lenox,

in Edgemont Hills.

Our colleague was here earlier

and he said the permit wasn't ready yet.

The gentleman in the baseball cap?

And you all would like to film your...

your little television program up at 311 Lenox?

- Yeah. - Yup.

Yeah, you shouldn't go to that house.

- It's creepy. - Right.

Like creepy, like the music plays

even though the power's been turned off,

and the lights are turning on and off, that sort of thing?

No, like people being chopped up in itsy-bitsy pieces

and reassembled on the wall in the shape of a cross

kind of creepy.

Have a good film shoot.

Hello?