Modern Family

Hey, Jay.

- Oh! - Welcome!

New Year's Day at Jay's.

My dad was driving in.

Things were looking up after a bad morning.

- Oh! Yeah! - Oh, man!

Look how high it goes!

I'm gonna try and spit on a bird.

Did he just get off the ride?

You know, honey, um, I'm getting cold feet.

- Maybe we should just... - Well, if you're scared,

we should just go.

I'm disappointed, 'cause to me, it seemed like a blast.

Oh!

My resolution to live more dangerously

was off to a rocky start.

Help yourself to my Christmas present.

Nothing like a frozen margarita in a hot tub.

Lets nature know we can do anything she can.

Well, I'll take one to go.

Alex and I are just here to raid your guys' closet

for some vintage clothing.

Yeah, we're going to a '90s music festival called Fo-shizzle-fest.

Okay, get ready to pig out!

In six to eight hours.

I did Thanksgiving dinner last year,

and it didn't go well.

Cam blew up the turkey

and made the goat kill itself.

Anyhoo, today is my comeback meal,

and I decided to keep it simple and roast a pig.

So, you just dig a hole,

you put down a bed of coals, then a layer of banana leaves,

lower the pig, cover it with burlap and tin foil,

and... bam!

Six hours later, you dig it all up,

put it on a platter, and... bam!

Dinner is served.

Guys,

just because you spent Christmas in Missouri

doesn't mean that we forgot about you.

- Open your presents. - Oh, okay! I'll go first.

Uh, let's see.

Oh, it's a gift certificate for E-Butler.

It's a concierge service.

Use it for errands, tickets, things like that.

Oh my God. I love this!

It's like staying in a hotel,

but I don't have to wear gloves to use the remote.

Okay, me next. Me next.

Oh...

it's an apron with... with bells on it.

And it says, "Cam and get it!"

Oh, so that's not a mistake?

We spent extra cash to get that custom made.

Came to me in a dream.

Put it on, buddy.

Let's, uh... let's get pictures with you guys and your gifts.

Jay and Gloria, get in there too.

Come on, honey. Let's go.

- Oh, boy. - I'll tie it.

- No, you won't. - All right.

- Whoa! - Oh!

I told you Stella was trying to kill me!

- Well, that was a scare. - Nothing happened.

I know where you're going with this.

This is why I've been hounding you

about your estate planning.

No, Mitch. Don't put that horrible thing out in the universe!

Dad, you still haven't done that?

They haven't updated their paperwork since Joe was born.

Uh, God forbid something bad should happen to them...

we don't even know who'd they want to raise Joe.

Shh!

Will you stop scaring her?

I spend more money on eyelashes

than most of you do on health care.

Fine, we'll do it today.

What better way to start the new year

than by preparing for the worst?

Speaking of alive dads,

- there's mine! - Oh!

- So good to see you! - Oh!

How was the drive?

Fantastic.

- My radio broke around Tallahassee. - Aw.

But is there a better entertainment source

than the billboards of America?

Apparently, syphilis is making a comeback.

Plus, you had me to keep you company.

Lorraine?

Lorraine was my babysitter growing up.

She was also my first crush

and also the star of my first, um...

"funny dream."

Yeah, Lorraine used to bring out

- the holy terror in Phil. - Oh.

It seemed like he wanted to be spanked by her.

No, I did not.

How long has this been going on?

Well, we reconnected earlier this year on jury duty.

I was the lone holdout

- on a triple homicide case. - Mm.

You can just feel

- when someone is innocent, you know? - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

But Lorraine said she'd go out to lunch with me if I changed my vote,

so here we are.

- Phil, did... did you ever dream... - No.

Last time I saw you, you came up to here.

Okay, Claire will take you that way to the back yard.

I'll go through the house so we can finally know which way's faster.

Okay, just a few simple questions,

and your estate planning is done.

What is this?

We don't need to put aside money for Manny's college.

I already took care of it.

When Manny was born, I didn't want to rely on anyone,

so I started saving money from my paycheck.

Eventually, I made enough money for Manny's college,

so if anything happens, he'll be okay.

That's amazing.

How did I not see this in the bank statements?

Why would I put money that I might need

to run away with in the middle of night

in the bank?

I put it in my disappear bag.

It's hard not to take that personally, but, um,

where is this bag?

It's in... in...

- You forgot? - No.

That's why I made a song

so that it would always help me remember.

I don't know.

One second.

Okay, Cam, what are we...

Okay. Just... just be cool. Just be cool.

Be cool? You just jangled across the yard like a big country tambourine.

All right, well, apparently, the fire went out and I didn't notice,

and now this pig is as cold as your family is gonna be

when they figure out I ruined another meal.

Okay, this is bad.

My dad does not like to be pork teased.

Well, maybe we can get a replacement pig.

Do you think your concierge thing could help out?

But I just got it today,

and... and the card says, "For Mitch stuff."

Mitchell, one of my resolutions

was to cry less outside the home.

- Please help me get through this day. - Gosh.

You know they only got me six hours, right?

I know. Thank you.

Okay.

Thank you for calling E-Butler, Mr. Pritchett.

How may I make your day more E-fficient?

Okay, um, well, this is a weird request.

Keep in mind, erotic tasks are billed at twice the normal rate.

Uh, no, I-I need you to secretly deliver a whole roasted pig.

With extreme pleasure.

Requests like these remind me why I E-buttle.

I knew that voice.

It was Keifth.

When I first moved here,

I was just a young Missouri hayseed.

I-I bought a ticket to the circus one day,

and there in the middle of all the action,

in an impeccably pressed tuxedo, was Ringmaster Keifth.

I started hanging out at circus bars until we met.

The attraction was immediate.

He was older, always in command of a room,

which makes sense because a room is just a permanent tent.

We dated for six months.

He transformed me

into the sophisticate that we all know today.

And then, he suddenly disappeared.

No goodbye. No note.

Just some peanut shells on the floor that must have...

fallen from his glorious black boot.

I found a trattoria in Little Polynesia

- that can spare a fully roasted pig. - Mitchell.

Sorry for the delay.

It w... it was a minute and a half.

You can't know my shame.

I'll deliver the porcine parcel within the hour.

Okay, that... that is great. I will... I will see you then.

What is wrong with you?

Okay, my circus boyfriend

who left me in the middle of the night...

that was him.

And now he's coming here?!

This is no way to ring in a new year.

The money has to be here somewhere.

This is all the stuff from when we first moved in together.

Why do we have a box of doll heads?

Oh, I guess you think it's a coincidence

that we have never had evil spirits in this house.

What about these will questions?

If something happens to us, who should raise Joe?

No, Jay, don't say that.

All right, look.

If someone other than us needs to raise Joe,