Bill Engvall: Just Sell Him for Parts

When I was little, we moved a lot.

And I wasn't a jock, so I guess to make friends,

you became the funny guy.

I think he's cute.

And he's funny.

Fall-out-of-your-chair, laughing, crying funny.

Then I get to college

and I listen to a couple of Steve Martin records

and thought, "Well, that'd be a cool job."

- He's real. - Master of his craft.

- I love him. - Realistic.

- I think he's hilarious. - Down to earth.

- You could relate to him. - Therapy by laughter.

If you like comedy,

it don't get no better than this.

People take their hard-earned money,

and they have plenty of choices.

And they chose to come see my show.

That doesn't get lost on me. That's a real honor.

It's like your sitting in the living room with a friend

and just telling jokes.

It's so comfortable and so entertaining.

He's family-oriented,

but at the same time, he's still just as funny

as any other comedian I've ever seen.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage

Grammy-nominated and platinum recording artist

Mr. Bill Engvall!

Wow.

Thank you.

Wow. Thank you very much.

Thank you.

It is wonderful to be back here in Rockford.

Thank you for being here.

Normally when I do shows like this,

you know, I interview with the newspapers or the radio stations

or whatever.

And they always ask me the same question.

They go, Well, Bill, is your family funny?

I always say, No.

No, my family's crazy,

and that makes me funny.

And the Engvall clan has had crazy covered

for a number of decades.

My grandparents, when they were alive, God bless their hearts,

my grandmother is just crazy as a loon.

Most wonderful woman you'll ever meet in your life,

but she just loved to talk.

She talked to y'all, that mic stand,

the stool, these walls.

And they all lived in one little town in Texas.

A little town called Georgetown, Texas.

And my parents lived there and my sisters live there,

and my grandparents lived there when they was alive.

And Gail, my wife, and I, we both went to college

in that little town.

So when I was in college, you know,

I'd go over to grandma and grandpa's house,

because it was a free good meal.

And... that was the one thing I learned in college.

And I'd go over there,

and it'd be the same scenario every day.

There'd be my granddad, sitting in his favorite chair

with the newspaper up.

My grandmother'd just be walking through the house, talking.

And I'd egg it on.

You know, I'd say, Well, how you doing today, grandma?

She goes, Well, Billy, I'm doing all right, I guess.

They're not shoveling dirt on top of me.

I guess that's a good day.

I said, What did you do today?

She goes, Well, Bill, I went to the beauty shop today.

I said, Oh, really. She goes, Oh, yes.

And I saw Betsy there.

And Betsy was getting herself a bouffant hairdo.

Now, Bill, I don't know why she'd get a bouffant hairdo,

because she's got a fat face.

Well, yeah, you'd think a woman with a fat face

would want that hair hanging all down in front of her face.

But, no, she pulls it all on top of her head.

So now she's got a big, fat bun of hair

with those big, fat cheeks.

I think she's lost her mind.

Oh, and did I tell you this? They bought a new car.

They got a... she wanted a Chevy, but they talked her into a Ford.

She wanted a black Chevy, but the dealer man said,

Oh, ma'am, black shows up dirt too much.

You need a brown car.

So now, instead of a pretty black Chevy,

she's got an ugly brown Ford

with that fat-face bouffant hairdo.

I think she's lost her mind.

And my granddad would just go, "Mm-hm."

I'll tell you a story about them.

When they were getting ready to celebrate

their 50th wedding anniversary,

my grandmother said to my granddad,

she said, Ray, I want you to go to Macy's

and get yourself a suit,

because it's a big anniversary

and I want you dressed up.

And my granddad was like, I ain't wearing no damn suit.

I never wore one, ain't gonna wear one now.

Because you got to know who my granddad was.

It was boots, overalls and no shirt, all right?

Yeah, and that was church.

Yeah.

But, you know, grandma ruled the house,

so she got him to go get a suit and they had their anniversary.

Well, everything was great.

Well, unfortunately, about nine months later

granddaddy passed away.

And we were sitting at the funeral home,

me and my grandmother.

And the funeral director said to my grandmother,

she said, Ma'am, what would you like Ray buried in?

And my grandmother looked at me and said,

Well, we bought him that suit.

I guess we'll just bury him in that.

And I remember thinking,

this poor man can't catch a break dead.

So we buried granddaddy, and after the funeral

I was having coffee with my grandmother.

And I said, Now grandma, listen to me.

I said, People are going to start calling the house now,

and they're going to ask for granddaddy.

But they don't really want him.

I said, They just want to make sure he's gone,

and they're going to try and sell you some kind of scam

to get in your stocks or your savings.

I said, So do me a favor. When they call,

you just tell them that granddaddy's in the garden,

or he's gone into town, or he'll be back later

and they can call back and talk to him then.

And I said, Trust me, they won't call back.

Well, I went on home. About a year later,

I was back in town visiting my parents.

I stopped by to see grandma.

And we were sitting there having coffee.

And she said, Well, honey, you were right.

And I said, About what?

She said, Those folks call all the time.

I said, I told you they would.

She said, This one fella,

he called once a week for six weeks.

I said, Well, what did he want? And she goes,

Well, that's what I wanted to know.

She said, So the next time he called, I said,

Young man, you have called this house once a week for six weeks.

Can I ask what this is about?

And he said, Oh, yes, ma'am.

He said, I'm sorry. He said, I'm from Macy's,

and I was just calling to see how Ray's enjoying his suit.

And I started laughing.

And I said, What did you say, grandma?

And she goes, Well, I didn't want to lie to him,

because the Lord don't like liars.

So I just said, Well, young man,

we can't get it off him.

And she wasn't lying.

And I'll tell you what my dad told me on them.

As they got older, you know, grandma and grandpa,

they couldn't get out of the house much.

So Dad put them on this group called Meals on Wheels,

which is a wonderful organization

that serves meals to senior citizens

and the homebound.

Well, as grandma got older,

she started visiting people on other planets

we didn't know existed.

And one day their Meals on Wheels lunches was late.

And my grandmother got so mad,

she called 911 to complain.

Wouldn't you have loved to have heard that phone conversation?

911, what's your emergency?

Well, we're about to damn starve to death,

that's what the damn emergency is.

Ma'am, is there anybody dead there?

There's going to be two dead people

if we don't get some sandwiches real quick.

Well, my father told me this story.

Well, y'all, I'm a comedian.

You cannot hand me a loaded gun like that

and not think it's not going to go off at some point.

Well, my grandparents passed away about 15 years ago.

Well, one morning a couple of years back,

I got up and I called my house.

Remember, that's one little small town in Texas.

And my mom answered the phone.

And she goes, Hello?

And I said, Mrs. Engvall? She said, Yes?

I said, This is Sergeant Johnson

with the Georgetown Police Department.

She said, Oh, my God, is everything all right?

And I said, Oh, yes, ma'am. I'm sorry.

Everything is fine.

I said, Listen, we're just clearing out our books

for the end of the year,

and we noticed that we had to send our emergency vehicles

out to your mother-in-law's house,