Playing House

Look, so cute.

So as you can see, we're right on track.

The baby's healthy and doing great.

- Any questions or concerns? - No, I think I'm good.

- Oh, I have a question, doc. - Okay, Emma.

My main concern regarding Maggie's delivery

is that there be, um... God, how do I put this?

Um...

Minimal vaginal destruction.

Because someone once told me that before labor,

your vagina looks like, you know, like a new rose with...

Opening to the morning sun.

Oh, like the rose from Beauty and the Beast...

Exactly.

Where just, like, one petal falls off at a time.

Yeah, "tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme,"

but after labor, it can look like that plant

from Little Shop of Horrors.

- Okay, that's not true. - Yeah.

That is true, and it's real, and you're gonna be

getting back out on the post-divorce dating scene,

so I just want to make sure she's keeping it, you know, right in type.

All right, um, obviously, it is never my goal

to destroy a vagina, okay?

- That's great. - That's good to hear.

But I think Maggie is better served focusing on the fact that

the baby could come at any time now.

I'm sorry, what do you... what?

We're at the 37th week of pregnancy,

which means the baby could safely arrive at any moment.

Okay, but I'll probably go to, like, 40 or 41 weeks, right?

Well, maybe, maybe not.

Okay, you know what? I gotta...

I gotta go, 'cause I got a lot of stuff to get done

and not a lot of time, so let's go, Emma.

Now, doc, is this your correct email?

'Cause I just want to send you some pics online that I found

of what we don't want down there.

You don't have to do that.

Okay, but just in case, I will.

No, really, don't do that.

It could get me in a lot of trouble.

- I'm gonna send you some pics. - Emma, let's go!

Okay. I'll text them to you. Is that better?

No, don't send me anything of anything down there.

Oh, stripped it. Turn that around.

Maggie?

Speed it up. There we go.

Maggie, what... oh, my God! Maggie, what are you doing?

- What's that? - What are you doing?

I can't hear you over this drill.

Yeah, I know. It's 3:00 A.M.

Yeah, uh-huh, 'cause I got to paint this whole kitchen,

because the kitchen, my friend, is the heart of the home.

So would you grab a hammer and a nail,

- just like the Indigo Girls say? - Okay.

'Cause we got a lot of work to do, miss.

I'm going to need you to step down from there,

'cause you're very pregnant right now.

Hey, hey, hey. You heard what Dr. Ullman said.

This baby could come at any moment, okay,

and I have this whole list of things to do.

Number five is paint the kitchen.

So excuse me, but I'm going to do that, all right?

All right. No, no, you don't.

You know what you're gonna do? You're gonna give me the drill.

You're gonna give me the drill.

You're gonna get off that stepstool,

'cause guess what, I'll take care of this, okay?

- You will? - Yup.

Tomorrow, I'll round up a ragtag bunch of dreamers,

and we'll get it done, okay?

- Okay. - Okay.

I think I might need some Fig Newtons.

Okay, we'll get you some new-news,

and we'll get you to bed, okay?

Maybe some ginge-y and some new-news.

Some ginge-y and some new-news

coming right up!

All right. Where do you want this stuff?

Ladders in the kitchen, tarps in the sunroom.

Roger that.

Now, where is this Manuel LeBore

you were so desperate to introduce me to?

Mom, it's not a person. It's a thing... manual labor?

Oh, not interested. Why am I even here then?

I don't know. Obviously, this was a big mistake.

Why don't you go home and just feel bad about your neck?

All right? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I need you. I need you.

You're the only one that's actually had a baby.

Yes, and it nearly killed me.

Get a load of that enormous head.

- It's a really big head. - It's really thick.

All right. Go do whatever you're gonna do.

Maggie, has anyone warned you about the possibility

of your baby being switched at birth?

- What? No. - It can happen.

Okay, and I am done taping this quadrant.

All right.

Now that we're done with that important detail...

It's a very important detail. Do you like dust?

No, what I'm saying is I just want to get in and out.

In and out. I don't want to play.

- In and out. - Please stop it.

Does this remind you of E.T.?

Remember when he's sick... I do.

And they had to do this in the house?

- It does not remind me of E.T. - That was so sad.

Okay. We have a lot to do, okay?

There's a whole five-step process here.

We have to wipe, tape, prime, trim, and then paint.

What? I'm sorry.

I just fell asleep on these stir sticks

because I was so incredibly bored.

Can we just paint?

We cannot just paint. You've been to my house, right?

Yes, and it's impeccable.

And who do you think does all of that work?

Me. Every trim, every fixture.

Do you think that Tina allows me to hang a picture askew?

- No, I do not. - Exactly.

It takes four hours to hang one 5x7, let alone an 8x10.

I know what I'm doing.

Okay, take it easy, Bob Vila.

Okay, that man is my idol, by the way, okay?

His attention to detail, his crisp flannels...

Jesus. Oh, my God.

Hey, you.

I want you to start wiping down that entire work area there.

Ugh, sounds boring.

Hi, baby.

Yeah, I forgot to get the cold cuts.

I can do it really soon.

Is it okay if I don't have the coupon?

No, you're right. Yeah, that...

It's worth the 20%, to save the 20%, yeah.

Of course I'm going to get the nitrate-free ham.

No, it's not a tone, it's just...

Okay. Love you.

- Don't even start with me! - I'm not.

Good, 'cause don't.

Because I tell everyone, before labor,

your vagina looks like a new rose

just slightly open to the morning sun,

but after labor...

Let me guess. Little Shop of Horrors?

Little Shop... of Horrors.

Now let me take a look at that list.

Okay, loose t-shirts, socks,

several pair of large underpants.

Are you having a baby or going on a carnival cruise?

No, no, take it from me:

All you are going to need are hot rollers, a satin eye mask,

and the best magnifying mirror money can buy.

What about snacks?

I feel like I'm gonna probably need a bunch of snacks, right?

I mean, I didn't get snacks, 'cause I didn't know what snacks

to get, but I probably should run it

to the 7-Eleven for snacks, right?

Like, just a basket full of snacks

or a bag of snacks or something?

Here. Take this.

By the time you struggle to eat

one painful triangle of chocolate,

the baby will be there.

I'm sorry. I'm such a mess.

I just... I feel like everything is moving so fast.

I'm very unprepared.

Maggie, you take it from me.

None of this other stuff really even matters.

Okay.

Because nothing can ever prepare you

for the horror that is childbirth

and the thankless task of raising a child.

I think we're out of this blue tape.

Want me to run down to the store to get some more?

Yeah, okay, sure, if you don't mind.

No, I don't mind, but, um, do we have a coupon?

I knew it. I knew it.

Wha... what did I say?

I just want to make sure we get 20% off...

Because "I love you".

Uh-huh, okay, you know what? It's okay.

I wouldn't expect you to understand what it's like

to be in a long-term relationship.

It takes a certain care and thoughtfulness of tone.

Oh, thank you for the tip,

chicken soup for the married soul.

And what exactly was your longest relationship?

I don't know. How long were we together again?

This was your longest relationship?

Sophomore to senior year and half of a summer?

Oh, now that's a... that's a fear of commitment.

I don't have a fear of commitment.

Okay, I proposed to you, and then you hopped on a plane

and flew to the furthest place you could find for 13 years.

All right, just so you know, your "proposal"...

Don't air quotes my proposal. That was a real proposal.

No, I know you meant it, but, I mean, let's get honest.