My Name Is Earl

When you're in prison,

nobody trusts you to do the simplest things you used to take for granted.

I don't understand why they're so touchy

about us having our own nail clippers.

Yeah, seems kind of silly.

But last year an inmate used a pair to cut off another guy's arm.

Took a week and a half.

Big lawsuit.

Oh, I forgot.

I'm supposed to take you to the warden.

The warden?

Yeah, I got so caught up watching you cut your nails, I lost track of time.

Do you mind if I tell him we're late 'cause you resisted a little?

- I guess not. - Oh, great. Thank you so much.

Got make it believable.

No, no, no, don't rub it. It only makes it worse.

It hurt to get maced in the eyes, but Randy missed me so much,

he felt like he'd been maced in the heart.

So hoping to join me in prison, he stole a car.

Oh, my God, I'm stealing a car!

I'm stealing a car!

Come and get me!

Then he waited to get arrested.

And waited...

...and waited.

And after three days, he gave up.

Then Randy had another not so good idea.

Excuse me, officer. What's the name of that killer

that's killing all the people at truck stops?

The Truck Stop Killer.

Oh, yeah. That's me.

We already caught that guy.

See that graffiti over there?

I did that.

Really?

Hey, that's nice work.

My wife's been looking for somebody to do a mural in the baby's room.

Would you do it for 50 bucks?

Randy, they're not going to send you to prison for slapping a cop.

And even if they did,

you know the odds you'd be sent to the same place as Earl?

Seven.

Seven what?

Seven going to prisons?

That don't even make sense.

Twelve?

I'm going to bail you out

because I promised Earl I'd take care of you,

and I'm a woman of integrity.

Just be thankful your brother's in prison for a felony I committed.

My uncle once slapped a cop.

He got 12 years in the penitentiary.

Guess what color he was.

Lucky.

Oh, wait, that's not a color.

As warden,

Jerry Hazelwood was responsible for overseeing the prisoners.

Thing was, he didn't like seeing prisoners.

You wanted to see me...

Warden?

Sir?

Sir, Warden?

Well, hey, nice work on...

helping that camden scout fella make his parole a couple days ago.

As a reward,

I would like to give you a certificate for one week off your prison sentence.

And a coupon for 20% discount at the prison store.

Wow, a week off my sentence.

Plus, I like those coffee mugs they sell.

And I always thought they were about 20% too much.

Well, you were a big help.

Lord knows, I need all the help I can get.

Don't tell anyone, but this being a prison warden, it's hard.

The warden used to have a pretty sweet life.

Then his wife became governor and ruined all his fun.

Jerry and I are honored to be living in the governor's mansion

and to be a part of its distinguished history...

Oh, Jerry.

What?

I have underwear on.

And so the governor decided to get Jerry a job.

Unfortunately, the first job didn't work out.

Training? These guys don't need training.

We're the national guard. We're never going to fight in a war.

So his wife made him a warden.

But he just kept making mistakes.

Like letting a company hire prison labor

to make something that probably shouldn't be made inside a prison.

And there was his mandatory "bring your daughter to work day."

And I bet with that ladder incident,

nobody talks about the 740 inmates that didn't escape.

Oh, I like that.

You're a prison-half-full kind of guy.

Anyway...

I've got this problem with these two gangs.

It's kind of an ebony-ivory sort of thing.

Only the ivory is a spanish gang, so it's ebony and spanish.

The gangs the warden was talking about had one thing in common.

They hated each other.

So, the warden tried to keep the peace

by taking the leader of the latin gang, Hector,

and the leader of the black gang, Jamal,

and locking them in solitary together for a month.

The warden was a big fan of that TV show The Odd Couple ,

and thought if it didn't work out, then at least there'd be some laughs.

All right, open it up.

Sure enough, after a month together, they hated each other more than ever

and the gang violence continued.

You get these two gangs to stop fighting,

I'm going to give you another certificate.

This time, for one month off your sentence.

A month?

I'm in.

All right, just a little word of advice.

These fellas can smell fear.

You got to let them know who's boss from Jump Street.

You got to stand taller than they do,

you got to speak louder than they do,

you got to be tougher than they are, you got...

The warden was going to give me another certificate

for time off my sentence if I could stop the gangs from fighting.

First thing I had to do was figure out what started it.

Balls.

And so I convinced the warden to get another ball.

That way both gangs could play and everyone would be happy.

More balls.

Too many balls.

Hey, Earl.

Your ex-wife and current brother are here to see you.

They, uh, they look mad.

Why can't people just be nice to each other, Ron?

People need guarding, Earl.

That's all I know about them.

I had to go bail out this dummy and miss my Brazilian wax.

If I go into labor now, I'm gonna be all stubbly on my home video.

I didn't ask you to bail me out.

You could have gone to Brazil if you wanted.

It's so humiliating.

The police thought Randy was my husband.

Although they thought Darnell was my driver that was kind of flattering.

I miss you, Earl.

It's all he ever talks about.

He's making me crazy.

Randy, I miss you, too, but

you got to get used to the fact that we can't be together right now.

I brought us a snowball.

We can unscrew it, and I'll eat the top, and you can eat the inside.

Kind of like we used to do when we were... kids.

Oh, God, somebody turned the sprinkler on again.

Shut up!

You shut up.

Unfortunately, living in the trailer together

wasn't any easier for Joy and Randy then

living in solitary was for Hector and Jamal.

Knock it off.

Both of you.

Randy,

I want you to look at Joy and find one nice thing to say about her.

Go on.

Well,

I suppose she does have a nice rack.

Was that so hard?

Now, Joy, you say something nice about Randy.

Well...

he has been remembering more to flush the toilet,

especially after a big job.

- I'm trying - And I appreciate that.

It was working. And suddenly, I had an idea.

Ron, I have to see the warden.

What? You're leaving? What about our snack?

Sorry, Randy, I'll have to take it with me.

Is that a snowball, Earl?

Sure is, Ron.

I love snowballs.

Especially the top part.

Really?

'Cause I only like the insides.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Stupid bad-guy zookeeper is eating my snowball.

The warden was happy to let me use his office to try my experiment.

Mostly 'cause it meant he could leave and go see a movie.

Thanks for agreeing not to kill each other while we try to work this out.

Now, Hector, I want you to say one nice thing about Jamal.

You don't want to be photographed saying something nice about your enemy,

is that it?

Fine.

I'm not giving up on you guys.

We're going to stay here as long as it takes for...

So...

you're kissing.