Family Guy

God, the Clam sucks on Saturday mornings.

It's all just weird foreign sports fans,

like those Pakistani cricket hooligans.

If you are not rooting for Lahore,

please you may leave, I can tell you!

Lahore cricketers are the best,

and the others are not the best, dear friends.

I'm for Karachi, but I don't got a death wish about it.

Guys, what's wrong with us?

It's Saturday morning, and we're drinking in a bar.

We should be drinking at the Goodwill donation dumpster.

- Why come? - 'Cause right now's when all the yard sales end.

We can get first pick of the abandoned leftovers.

That's a stupid idea. There's not gonna

be anything good in that dumpster.

What if I told you everything I'm wearing right now

I found in that dumpster?

Is that a bachelorette sash?

Scott said I could do hand stuff this weekend, but that's it.

I told you this is stupid.

There's nothing good in here.

Hey, look... a pair of working legs.

Dibs on these.

Wha...? Aw, come on, Quagmire!

Joe, I said dibs.

No, no, you're right. You said dibs.

Whoa. Check it out. A Sorry! Board game.

Let me see it.

- Three pieces missing. - How'd you do that?

I can shake anything and figure out what all's in there.

You got 11 periods left.

Cool. VHS of Eraserhead.

This'll be good for when I never want to sleep again.

Holy crap.

Wha-What? What is it?

A Magic 8 Ball!

This thing can tell the future.

No, it can't, Peter. It's just a stupid toy.

I don't know. Let's test it.

Will there be snow this Christmas?

Oh, my God, the ball is right.

I should ask again later.

How did it know that?

Guys, from now on, I am living my life

according to the Magic 8 Ball.

It will lead me like the shorebird

that led the first Pilgrims to Boston.

Ahoy! Are you looking to build a city

where sports fans can be notoriously racist?

Yeah, and can we also ruin "Sweet Caroline"

- for everyone else? - Absolutely.

Can our airport security people be responsible for 9/11?

And can our own 9/11 be, like, one one-thousandth as bad,

but we'll still make a fricking movie about it?

I think I know just the place.

Okay, I don't know if this is gonna be a problem,

but we forgot to bring the letter "R."

No problem at all.

Right this way, large-faced whites!

ALL (chanting): Let's go, Red Sox!

Let's go, Red Sox!

What is that?

It's my Magic 8 Ball.

This is the first black ball

that Kim Kardashian hasn't played with.

Why is it filled with the blue liquid from tampon commercials?

That's a very gross question, Meg.

You may take your breakfast in the attic.

That question aside, I'm having a blast with my new 8 Ball.

It knows everything. Watch.

Magic 8 Ball,

will my middle-of-the-highway puppet show be a success?

Well, I'll show this thing.

(thud)

How'd it go, Dad?

I don't know, Sparky. What did you think?

The performance was a little flat.

Magic 8 Ball.

Magic 8 Ball, I'm bored.

Should I sniff my coworker's hair?

He told me to do it!

Mr. Griffin, if a Magic 8 Ball asked you

to jump off a building, would you do that, too?

Did it?

No, I'm just using that as an example of...

I listened to the toy!

Magic 8 Ball, what's the best e-mail provider?

"Outlook good." Interesting.

He's not raving about it, but it's a solid choice.

Let's go, Peter. Time for church.

Mom said they're gonna serve Chewy Chips Ahoy at coffee hour.

Lois... church?

Who am I supposed to worship... Jesus?

This is my god now.

Watch your mouth, Peter.

Sorry, Lois, but my religion is now the 8 Ball.

Magic 8 Ball, is the Fox network sustainable

in this new streaming world?

No. No!

Kim, what's wrong?

A black ball went to waste.

Are you streaming Mindhunter in church?

I'm trying to stream Mindhunter in church.

Freaking guest Wi-Fi.

You know the priest gets the good Wi-Fi.

And yea, the Lord said...

Whoa, whoa. Mindhunter's going in.

I mean... (clears throat)

Thou art the children of Abraham, and thou shalt...

He's playing you!

You think you're playing him? He's playing you.

I hate this. When do I get my cookie?

I just want my cookie so I can go home.

Now please join me in silent prayer.

And as we settle into the silence,

I remind you that... in honor of Lent...

today's coffee service will not include Chewy Chips Ahoy.

(all gasping)

- (Lois gasps) - (congregation murmurs)

Hey, Stewie said his first word.

And it was a swear.

Well, this is unacceptable.

We have to leave right now and go straight to breakfast.

Unbelievable.

Let's go!

I can't believe Stewie finally said his first word

and it ends up being... that.

Right now, every woman in my mommy wine group is judging me.

I may have to start drinking wine at home alone.

Start? - Not the day for it, Chris! Not the day!

I don't get it, Stewie. You've been talking forever.

Why did everyone suddenly understand you now?

I don't know.

I was feeling so much intense emotion in the moment,

and that one word somehow just burst through.

Yeah, but now what? Everyone can understand you?

I don't think so.

Not unless I'm yelling something I feel strongly about.

Greta Gerwig is a national treasure!

See? Nothing.

I guess I'm not feeling it. I don't know.

What if that's the only thing I'll ever be able to express?

Anger. What kind of a person would I be then?

Larry David, Lewis Black,

a Trump voter, everyone on Twitter.

But I don't want to be any of those things.

They've got to hear me.

Ice cream! Lollipop!

Bubbles! Kitty cat!

Doggy! Raincoat! Preschool!

Fire truck! Goldfish! Finger paint!

Lois, what are you doing here?

What do you mean? You invited us.

Sorry, but we can't have Stewie here.

I brought my own veggie burgers,

but I'm not gonna make a big deal about it.

What with his profanity and all, I don't think.

Stewie would be a good influence on the other children.

Is there a designated spot on the grill

for the veggie burgers?

And again, not a big deal.

You're saying that because of a swear word,

my son isn't good enough for your pool party?

It's a little bit about him swearing,

but mostly about you as a parent.

Kevin, I said, no arrows!

Crossbows don't shoot arrows.

They shoot bolts, dumb-ass!

Okay, sweetie.

Hey, Dad, did you hear what Einstein called bolts?

I heard it.

Brian, shut off the television.

It's ruined my baby!

What are you talking about?

Stewie obviously learned to swear from some TV show.

No, he didn't. The only show he watches is Caillou.

Well, then that little French-Canadian weirdo

is the potty mouth, I'm sure of it.

And I'm willing to watch every single episode just to prove it.

Caillou was upset.

Why am I bald? I'm not a baby. I'm four.

Are kids just bald in Canada?

So Caillou decided

to look himself up on Wikipedia.

God, this is dull.

Maybe I'm supposed to be a cancer survivor,

and this show is very inspiring.

But Caillou wasn't a cancer survivor.

The show's creators just made a weird choice.

Caillou's low-testosterone father

again indulged Caillou's tantrum,

clearly trying to raise a sociopath.

It's okay, Caillou.

I'll bake you a pie.

He said, his body flooding with estrogen.

Lois?